Friday, July 18, 2008

Monkey Butlers of the Week

Athlete Breaking the Law Part I: Quinton
Jackson. The MMA fighter decided that Tuesday was a good day to hit several cars and then lead police on a bizarre car chase before being arrested for felony evading, et al. In providing Costa Mesa with his best Grand Theft Auto imitation, Jackson was seen hitting cars on the freeway, crossing center dividers, and talking on his cell phone while driving onto sidewalks, which caused several pedestrians to have to jump out of the way. The chase finally ended when I presume Jackson was unable to continue on his shredded tire. Even more bizarre? No evidence of drug or alcohol use by Jackson was found.

Athlete Breaking the Law Part II: Double winner alert! Rampage Jackson was at it again on Wednesday; although I don't guess he technically "broke the law," police were called to Jackson's residence after receiving reports of a crazy man named Rampage acting, well crazy. As a result, Jackson was taken and hospitalized for a mental health evaluation. Yikes.

Motivational Speaker of the Week: Ichiro Suzuki, batshit-crazy baseball player. It came out this week that since 2001, tiny supposedly-can't-speak-English Ichiro has delivered a pregame speech before each All Star game in the American League locker room. The funny part is that the speech is so laced with profanities that it would probably make most batshit-crazy high school football coaches blush. Two things to learn from this: 1) Ichiro can speak better English than he lets on, and 2) a National League team needs to trade for him post-haste.

Best Use of a Hotel Room Overlooking an MLB Stadium Award: The half-naked chick staying at the Renaissance Hotel in Toronto. You see, the hotel has suites that look down into Rogers Centre Stadium, the home of the Toronto Blue Jays. Last Saturday, a lovely young blonde woman was photographed leaning up against the window of the suite while casually carrying on a conversation with a man. The only problem for parents of small children was that the woman was seemingly only wearing a thong. Ka-zow! I would like to know, however, why the other two guys in the photo are completely oblivious to the topless woman's presence. Have they already had their go at her? Are they tired of stuffing $1 in her thong? Are they perhaps blind?

ESPN's Overhyped Story of the Week: O.J. Mayo's 3/4 court shot in an NBA summer league game. It was the end of the first quarter. It was from almost 70 feet away. It was meaningless in every single way. However, chose to describe it thusly: "O.J. Mayo...made the most spectacular shot of his career Monday night at the NBA Summer League." The title to the article on the website called it "career highlight No. 1." Gee, I wonder which draft pick ESPN has latched its long, evil tentacles into?

The "Don't Let the Door Hit You On Your Way Out" Award: Billy Packer, ex-CBS basketball analyst. It was announced this week that Packer would not be returning to call the NCAA Tournament for CBS next year, thus breaking his 34 year streak of calling the Final Four. His replacement will be Jim Nantz's doppleganger, Clark Kellogg. I'm sure that it will be a pairing unlike any other. The decision was actually made last year, and Packer eschewed any sort of "farewell tour" type of sendoff, so I believe that does say something about the character of the man. I always kind of liked Packer even though it seems that most of the rest of the world doesn't, so at the very least I'll miss him. He was certainly better than what I think Kellogg will be.

He Had it Coming Award: Jose Canseco. Canseco squared off against ex-Philadelphia Eagle Via Sikahema in a bout meant to test whether or not Canseco would move from boxing and into the world of MMA. Canseco outweighed Sikahema by 43 pounds and had a seven inch height advantage, both of which bought Jose a scant thirty seconds before Sikahema put him on the canvas with a left hook. Canseco got up, got pummelled for another minute or so, then went down for good. As I'm sure many current and former MLB-ers would say (Mr. Burns-style): Excellent. Check out the video:

Best Manager Tirade of the Week: Kash Beauchamp, Wichita Wingnuts. Sensing that his team needed a spark, an inspiration, a kick in the pants, etc., Beauchamp decided to go wingnut and get thrown out of the game. His shoe came off. His armpit was thrust into the umpires face. We feel that this one is better told through video:

Loser of the Week: Alex Rodriguez. He was hosting a "bash" at Jay-Z's 40/40 club in NYC Monday night and he invited all of his friends. The popular guy, Derek Jeter, was on the list. So was the class whore, Madonna. Heck, he even invited some of the nerdy guys Billy Crystal and David Wright so that everyone would be included, because he's that type of guy. The only problem? Nobody showed up. A-Rod was seen sitting in a corner booth doing shots, accompanied by Madonna friend hanger-on Ingrid Casares, his new agent, Guy Oseary (godfather to Madonna's children), and his mother. Meanwhile, Jeter was partying somewhere else with his hottie-of-the week, Minka Kelly, Crystal and Michael Jordan. Wright even threw his own party, which featured a performance by none-other than 50 Cent (yeah, that makes sense).

Random Bikini Photo of the Week:

Random Somewhat-Sports-Related YouTube of the Week:

No comments: