Friday, July 18, 2008

Monkey Butlers of the Week

Athlete Breaking the Law Part I: Quinton
Jackson. The MMA fighter decided that Tuesday was a good day to hit several cars and then lead police on a bizarre car chase before being arrested for felony evading, et al. In providing Costa Mesa with his best Grand Theft Auto imitation, Jackson was seen hitting cars on the freeway, crossing center dividers, and talking on his cell phone while driving onto sidewalks, which caused several pedestrians to have to jump out of the way. The chase finally ended when I presume Jackson was unable to continue on his shredded tire. Even more bizarre? No evidence of drug or alcohol use by Jackson was found.

Athlete Breaking the Law Part II: Double winner alert! Rampage Jackson was at it again on Wednesday; although I don't guess he technically "broke the law," police were called to Jackson's residence after receiving reports of a crazy man named Rampage acting, well crazy. As a result, Jackson was taken and hospitalized for a mental health evaluation. Yikes.

Motivational Speaker of the Week: Ichiro Suzuki, batshit-crazy baseball player. It came out this week that since 2001, tiny supposedly-can't-speak-English Ichiro has delivered a pregame speech before each All Star game in the American League locker room. The funny part is that the speech is so laced with profanities that it would probably make most batshit-crazy high school football coaches blush. Two things to learn from this: 1) Ichiro can speak better English than he lets on, and 2) a National League team needs to trade for him post-haste.

Best Use of a Hotel Room Overlooking an MLB Stadium Award: The half-naked chick staying at the Renaissance Hotel in Toronto. You see, the hotel has suites that look down into Rogers Centre Stadium, the home of the Toronto Blue Jays. Last Saturday, a lovely young blonde woman was photographed leaning up against the window of the suite while casually carrying on a conversation with a man. The only problem for parents of small children was that the woman was seemingly only wearing a thong. Ka-zow! I would like to know, however, why the other two guys in the photo are completely oblivious to the topless woman's presence. Have they already had their go at her? Are they tired of stuffing $1 in her thong? Are they perhaps blind?

ESPN's Overhyped Story of the Week: O.J. Mayo's 3/4 court shot in an NBA summer league game. It was the end of the first quarter. It was from almost 70 feet away. It was meaningless in every single way. However, chose to describe it thusly: "O.J. Mayo...made the most spectacular shot of his career Monday night at the NBA Summer League." The title to the article on the website called it "career highlight No. 1." Gee, I wonder which draft pick ESPN has latched its long, evil tentacles into?

The "Don't Let the Door Hit You On Your Way Out" Award: Billy Packer, ex-CBS basketball analyst. It was announced this week that Packer would not be returning to call the NCAA Tournament for CBS next year, thus breaking his 34 year streak of calling the Final Four. His replacement will be Jim Nantz's doppleganger, Clark Kellogg. I'm sure that it will be a pairing unlike any other. The decision was actually made last year, and Packer eschewed any sort of "farewell tour" type of sendoff, so I believe that does say something about the character of the man. I always kind of liked Packer even though it seems that most of the rest of the world doesn't, so at the very least I'll miss him. He was certainly better than what I think Kellogg will be.

He Had it Coming Award: Jose Canseco. Canseco squared off against ex-Philadelphia Eagle Via Sikahema in a bout meant to test whether or not Canseco would move from boxing and into the world of MMA. Canseco outweighed Sikahema by 43 pounds and had a seven inch height advantage, both of which bought Jose a scant thirty seconds before Sikahema put him on the canvas with a left hook. Canseco got up, got pummelled for another minute or so, then went down for good. As I'm sure many current and former MLB-ers would say (Mr. Burns-style): Excellent. Check out the video:

Best Manager Tirade of the Week: Kash Beauchamp, Wichita Wingnuts. Sensing that his team needed a spark, an inspiration, a kick in the pants, etc., Beauchamp decided to go wingnut and get thrown out of the game. His shoe came off. His armpit was thrust into the umpires face. We feel that this one is better told through video:

Loser of the Week: Alex Rodriguez. He was hosting a "bash" at Jay-Z's 40/40 club in NYC Monday night and he invited all of his friends. The popular guy, Derek Jeter, was on the list. So was the class whore, Madonna. Heck, he even invited some of the nerdy guys Billy Crystal and David Wright so that everyone would be included, because he's that type of guy. The only problem? Nobody showed up. A-Rod was seen sitting in a corner booth doing shots, accompanied by Madonna friend hanger-on Ingrid Casares, his new agent, Guy Oseary (godfather to Madonna's children), and his mother. Meanwhile, Jeter was partying somewhere else with his hottie-of-the week, Minka Kelly, Crystal and Michael Jordan. Wright even threw his own party, which featured a performance by none-other than 50 Cent (yeah, that makes sense).

Random Bikini Photo of the Week:

Random Somewhat-Sports-Related YouTube of the Week:

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Insert Joke Here

You know, I've never seen more guys excited by a hunk of wood since, uh, well, ever:

I can't figure out why the three guys in the middle have their hands so low. Does anyone else think that the bat is going to nail all of them across the face? The pensive Mexican kid is also odd as well. Does he not know that the Bat of Death is hurtling towards his tiny head?

Also, how about the expression on that girl's face at the bottom of the picture? It looks like she's signaling for a retarded touchdown.

SportsbyBrooks: The Lighter Side of Broken Bats Soaring Into Seats

Black Thursday at Royal Birkdale

Wow. Phil's at +9, Ernie and Vijay are at +10, and some guy named Greg Norman is even through 11 holes, good for second place. So this is what happens when Tiger Woods doesn't show up? (Check live scores here)

Els played the front nine at +1 and then decided to completely melt on the back nine, even as the weather got better, with a cool, breezy +9. Phil and Vijay pretty much mucked up the entire course.

Meanwhile, the top of the leaderboard is loaded with old names like the Shark and Tom Lehman along with relative unknowns, like Ross Fisher, Peter Hanson and Douglas McGuigan. Fisher is apparently some sort of rookie phenom on the European Tour, or at least the British guys on the XM coverage think he is. They also kept talking about "the email from Middlefart" and laughing like 12-year-old boys, so I'm not exactly sure which of what they said was true or conjecture or lunacy.

Oh, by the way, the pictured superstar was also at +10 for his first round. No word on whether Butch Harmon was there heckling him.

Monday, July 14, 2008

A Solution to the Whole Brett Favre Mess

Ok, so like everyone in the first, second or third world knew would happen, Brett Favre has come back and started a melodrama worthy of a Daytime Emmy. In what wasn't apparently known at the time, Favre reached out to the Packers in March after his retirement news conference and said he was having second thoughts; at the time, the Packers told him they would take him back. But, before a meeting between Favre and Packers GM Ted Thompson could take place, Favre cancelled the meeting and said he was staying retired. The Packers then moved on with the preparation of Aaron Rodgers. (Check out a good timeline of all this here.)

Favre then had another change of heart, and sometime after a meeting with Packers offensive line coach James Campen, he tried to text message with Thompson and was given a textual bitch-slap as a result. Then came the infamous conference call last Tuesday where Thompson and Packers coach Mike McCarthy did their best Eskimo impressions. As a result, Favre, through his agent Jerome Bettis James "Bus" Cook, submitted a request that the Packers simply release him, thus allowing him the freedom to play for any NFL team, including either the Minnesota Vikings or the Chicago Bears. Thompson's response? Why, to call Favre's bluff, of course, and refuse to release Favre and instead invite him to return. Some reports even insinuated that the Packers essentially told Favre that he could come back, but that he might be wearing a hat and holding a clipboard while he watched Aaron Rodgers play quarterback.

So, where does that leave us? I think that this puts Favre in the driver's seat. He's up against a GM that is seemingly desperate to make his mark in Green Bay, legendary quarterback be damned. For those of you who may have forgotten, Rodgers was the first player drafted by Thompson back in 2005, and he wants to make good on his first pick. He's probably betting that Favre will fold, not wanting to return in a backup role. But, Thompson's reasoning is flawed on so many levels:

1) There's just no way the Packers could allow Favre to come back and then have him patrol the sidelines during the games. No way. The ensuing PR fiasco would sink the season.

2) Even if they did go with the nuclear option, how do you think the fans would react after Rodgers went, say, 8-for-21 with three picks in week one's game against the Vikings? It wouldn't be pretty, that's for sure.

3) The Packers best chance to win a Super Bowl right now is with Favre. No one can possibly argue with that. They won their division last year and were a few plays away from playing in the Super Bowl. Why not take Favre back and make one more run?

The problem this situation has caused can be blamed both on Favre and Thompson. Favre retired, changed his mind, had the green light from the Packers and then decided to stay retired back in April. Thompson, however, still should have known that given the nature of "living legend" retirees, Favre would probably "get the itch" and again want to return. Instead of accepting that fact and dealing with it amicably, Thompson has instead created a situation that is akin to a Mexican standoff. Thompson's problem is that the fans (at least some of them), are on Favre's side.

In my opinion, there is a way out. Favre has three years and $39M left on his contract. Why not reach out to Favre and welcome him back on the condition that he restructure his contract into a one year deal with a player option for 2009? If it IS possible, that would bring Favre back for one year, give the Packers a date certain for Favre's decision on playing in 2009, and put everything out on the table. Next year, there'd be no melodrama as Favre would have to make his decision on playing if he wanted to keep playing for the Packers. While this would give Favre the option of opting out and signing with another team, the chances of him wanting to play another season go down each year he plays. The Packers could fix their current situation and just bank on the fact that Favre wouldn't want to start over with another team so late in his career if he opted out.

In the meantime, we're left wondering who's going to blink first in this inane game of chicken.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Monkey Butlers of the Week

Ok, so this has been a really slow week for us. In fact, this will be our only post of the week. Sorry about that. Paying jobs sort of get in the way sometimes, you know? Without further ado, here we go...

Former Athlete Rapist of the Week Part I: Tony Zendejas, former kicker. Yes, even kickers have gotten on board with the whole rap sheet thing. Zendejas, formerly of the Los Angeles Rams, now owns a bar in San Dimas. Yes, that San Dimas. He apparently serves roofies with his drinks, as a female patron reported that Zendejas gave her a drink that made her groggy. She then awoke in a nearby motel and reported that she'd been raped.

Former Athlete Rapist of the Week, Part II: Teddy Dupay, former basketball player with the University of Florida. A woman alleged that Dupay beat her up and raped her at a ski resort in Utah; Dupay admits being with the woman and said that they "got a little rough" but that he didn't rape her. Apparently, Teddy's idea of rough sex apparently results in fractured ribs, bruises, black eyes & scratches. Dupay also apparently forced the woman under a desk and threatened to kill her if she told anyone. Yeah, that's love.

The "Yep, That's How We Do It Down Here" Award: Trussville, Alabama. That's where middle school teacher Julie Pritchett was working her way through the middle school's baseball team; she had almost made it through the lineup, but apparently one of the kids couldn't keep his good fortune to himself so the sex train was derailed. Once Mrs. Robinson got wind of the investigation, she resigned her teaching position, thus saving puberty-stricken boys everywhere in Trussville-area schools from her libido.

All Signs Point to Yes: Madonnarod looks like it may be happening! The feel-good hit of the summer just keeps on gaining steam as Alex Rodriguez's wife, Cynthia, filed for divorce this week. She said in her filings that the marriage was irretrievably broken due to A-Rod's "extramarital affairs and other marital misconduct." Yikes. Of course, Madonna finally came out and denied doing the nasty with A-Rod, but C-Rod apparently needed a trip to Paris and the home of Lenny Kravitz to clear her mind and help her make the decision to divorce Rodriguez. This has all the makings of a summer blockbuster, folks, especially if there is a divorce trial and it delves into the same territory that the clusterfuck that was the Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook fiasco. Stay tuned.

Broke Athlete of the Week: Vin Baker. The 14-year NBA veteran had his gigantic mansion foreclosed on this week. The house sold at auction for $2.5M to the bank holding the TWO mortgages on the property. The house is a 9,300 square foot shack with a pool, a tiny two lane bowling alley, and only six bedrooms. I'm surprised he could even stand being seen in the place, you know? Seriously, though, how in the world does someone play fourteen years in the NBA and not be able to afford a house, even if it is a giant house on a 12 acre piece of land?

NFL Arrest of the Week: Matt Jones, Jacksonville Jaguars. Jones was arrested in Fayetteville, Arkansas for possession of cocaine after an officer caught Jones cutting up powder cocaine with a credit card in the backseat of an vehicle. Yep, those Arkansas boys were always smart, you know? I mean, it's one thing that you're in a parked vehicle getting your lines together for your blow session, but how can you completely miss the two police officers walking up to the vehicle?

Ageless Wonder of the Week: Dara Torres, U.S. Olympic Swim Team. She's 41. She made the U.S. Olympic Swim Team in both the 50m and 100m freestyle, although she'll only swim the 50m in Bejing. She set a new U.S. record in the 50m in the semis and then broke her own record the next day in the finals. Unreal for a 41-year-old mom. Of course, many think that Torres is doping in some way, but she's made herself available for any type of drug test anyone can think to give her, so at least she's fighting the good fight. However, in today's doping world, everyone is guilty until, well, they're all just guilty, right?

Random Bikini Picture of the Week:

Non-Sports Related YouTube Video of the Week, brought to you by stupid criminals everywhere:

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Monkey Butlers of the Week

Worst Injury of the Week: Chris Snyder, Arizona Diamondbacks. Snyder went on the 15-day disabled list this week due to the foul ball that hit him in the groin. Two observations: 1) Since when did catchers stop wearing cups? and 2) What did Snyder do to piss off karma that bad?

Absurd Knee-Jerk Reaction of the Week: NHRA. In the wake of Scott Kalitta's tragic death a few weeks ago, the NHRA has decided to shorten the length of the tracks in its Top Fuel and Funny Car divisions. Instead of running the holy standard 1/4 mile (1320 feet), they will now run 1000 feet. Isn't this a bit like, say, MLB shortening the basepaths from 90 to 60 feet so pansies like Chien-Ming Wang don't hurt themselves? Or football shortening the length of games so its poor players don't get tired? (Ed. Note: The picture is of Ashley Force, NHRA driver, so yes, the picture goes with this item, although barely.)

Non-Sports Related "Don't Screw With This Guy" Award of the Week: Joe Horn, Texas resident and expert shotgun marksman, not the other Joe Horn. This is the guy who called 911, told the dispatcher that two guys were robbing his neighbor's house, and then shot them because the cops didn't show up in time. The District Attorney presented the case to a grand jury and they no-billed it, whichi is a fancy legal way of saying that they didn't find probable cause, so he won't be facing charges. Various minority groups are a bit upset about this, but consider this: both of the deceased were illegal aliens with prior felony convictions.

The Bi-Monthly
: Brett Favre, retired unretired possibly unretired NFL quarterback. Once again, rumors are swirling that Favre is considering coming back to the Green Bay Packers. But, it appears that the Packers really don't want him back, and so it might be a possibility that Favre may ask for his release. The only way this gets better is if Favre ends up in, say, Chicago or Minnesota, both of whom are division rivals. Talk about shenanigans! Somewhere, John Madden just had an orgasmocoronary.

Jailbreak of the Week: Seattle Oklahoma City SuperSonics Name-to-be-determined. This metaphor only works if you view Clay Bennett as a prisoner and Seattle as the maximum security prison he made it out to be. But, let's be honest: who really thought that owners in Oklahoma City would buy a team a bazillion miles away and NOT try to move it to their home state? That's exactly what's happening as the city of Seattle reached a deal with the owners for up to $75M in cash along with the team name and colors in return for letting the team out of its lease. Of course, the real bad guy in all of this may be Howard Schultz, the Starbucks gazillionaire who bought the team in 2001, made a bunch of promises, then sold it to some Okies. No word on whether or not Oklahoma will be getting the pictured members of the Sonics Dance Team.

Biggest Amount of Money Spent on a Teenager: Oakland Athletics. They just happened to sign Dominican pitcher Michel Inoa to a contract that included a $4.25M bonus, the most ever paid to a ballplayer not from Cuba. Inoa is 6-foot-7, throws in the 94 MPH range, and, oh by the way, is all of sixteen years old. I don't think he's ever set foot in the United States, so we'll see how this turns out.

Most Awesome Thing About the Revolution: A three-day weekend. Besides, you know, freedom and capitalism and fireworks and the Statue of Liberty and hot dogs and baseball and football and porn and fast cars and milkshakes and light bulbs and HDTVs and basketball and Jennifer Love Hewitt and beer and movies and horseshoes and cell phones and iPods and peanut butter and chicken wings and PS3s and Led Zeppelin and Erin Andrews, of course. But you know what we mean.

That's all for us this week. In the meantime, enjoy the Non-Sports Related YouTube Video of the Week:

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

'Old Hank' Post of the Day

Every so often, we'll feature something that Hammerin' Hank Steinbrenner has said regarding baseball, life, or aliens. We'll call it a "post of the day," even though in no way, shape or form do we think we'll be having one Hank post per day. It's just a title, see?

Today, Hank sounded off on his Yankees ballclub, and he pointed out what is possibly the most astute thing ever I've heard about what a ballclub needs to do to win: "We've got to start hitting."

You see, Hank has tapped in to that mystical realm where only the truly sage baseball people (Peter Gammons, Casey Stengel, and Yogi Berra come to mind) have ever gone: He's realized that, in addition to pitching, a team must also hit to win (unless said team is the Dodgers). Truly remarkable.

He also took an apparent potshot at Alex Rodriguez by saying, "Maybe a little less outside distractions and a little more concentrating and they'll start hitting better." He just HAS to be talking about Madonnarod, right?

Of course, someone might want to point out that over the last month, A-Rod is hitting .356 with 9 home runs, 23 RBIs and has scored 24 times (not counting Madonna, of course. Hey-oh! Ok, that was bad. We apologize.)

Of course, over that same time span, only two full-time Yankees are hitting less than .284: Bobby Abreu at .250 and Melky Cabrera at .196. But, it wouldn't be abnormal if it wasn't Hank!

ESPN: Hank Steinbrenner: Yankees hitters need to 'wake up'

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

A-Rod and the Wicked Witch of the East?

Yep, that right there would be a picture of Madonna and one of her workers kids in none other than New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez's box seats at a June 22 Yankee game.

Now, at first glance, that doesn't mean that the possibly soon-to-be-divorced tranny lookalike pop diva and baseball's most gay best player are carrying on a sinful relationship. No, they just might be friends, because Latin-American-Dominican (what is he again?) ballplayers in their 30s definitely hang out with aging pop stars all the time. Plus, Madonna's married to that Guy Ritchie fellow and A-Rod is married to the mother of his two children, one of whom was just born back in April (the second, not the first).

Apparently, A-Rod has been sneaking over to Madonna's Central Park West apartment, and leaving "as late as midnight." (The horror!) There's also rumors that A-Rod attended a concert of Madonna's back in April and the boys over at Deadspin have gotten a tip that Madonnarod have been sneaking off on private jets together. No word on whether this affected A-Rod's decision to blow off the home run derby that's part of the very last All Star game ever at old Yankee Stadium, but I'd bet that it did, since those Brits can be callous and cold and A-Rod definitely isn't winning over many fans with this latest move.

I really, really, really hope this blows up and involves all kind of shenanigans because it will make July go by a whole lot faster.

(Ed. Note: By "apparently," we mean that it is most likely definitely and/or possibly true. And yes, I know that Madonna is American, but have you heard her talk lately? She's rockin' the fake British accent, you know.)

So It's July Around Here

And you know what that means--fewer posts! Why, might you ask? Well, we could've done posts recently on the USA basketball team's uniform unveiling ceremony, or on Manny shoving that ticket guy, or on the 47 come-from-behind wins in the world of baseball last night, but frankly, we're a bit depressed.

July in the yearly sports calendar is a dead zone of immense proportions, not unlike the current dead zone affecting the Chinese coastline. What is it that we have to look forward to, other than the inevitable Michelle Wie implosion? NASCAR's Firecracker 400 Pepsi 400 Coke Zero 400? What about those of us that don't live in the South and as a result don't enjoy it when Kyle Busch gets wrecked by some furrener soundin' guy? What about those of us that don't care about the opening of the NBA free agency period or whether Agent Zero gets $100M or Baron Davis ends up in Memphis? I guess we could get started on that dissertation about how SportsNation's "STAMP IT!" is the worst segment ever to be broadcasted on radio, or we could sound off on the fact that, once again, the American men have posted another poor showing at Wimbledon.

Ok, ok, you got us: even though July is a dead zone for sports, there has still be plenty to talk about. We're just lazy and/or busy at work (or just lazy at work). As punishment for not giving a damn about the blog this week, enjoy the photo.