Thursday, July 3, 2008

Monkey Butlers of the Week

Worst Injury of the Week: Chris Snyder, Arizona Diamondbacks. Snyder went on the 15-day disabled list this week due to the foul ball that hit him in the groin. Two observations: 1) Since when did catchers stop wearing cups? and 2) What did Snyder do to piss off karma that bad?

Absurd Knee-Jerk Reaction of the Week: NHRA. In the wake of Scott Kalitta's tragic death a few weeks ago, the NHRA has decided to shorten the length of the tracks in its Top Fuel and Funny Car divisions. Instead of running the holy standard 1/4 mile (1320 feet), they will now run 1000 feet. Isn't this a bit like, say, MLB shortening the basepaths from 90 to 60 feet so pansies like Chien-Ming Wang don't hurt themselves? Or football shortening the length of games so its poor players don't get tired? (Ed. Note: The picture is of Ashley Force, NHRA driver, so yes, the picture goes with this item, although barely.)

Non-Sports Related "Don't Screw With This Guy" Award of the Week: Joe Horn, Texas resident and expert shotgun marksman, not the other Joe Horn. This is the guy who called 911, told the dispatcher that two guys were robbing his neighbor's house, and then shot them because the cops didn't show up in time. The District Attorney presented the case to a grand jury and they no-billed it, whichi is a fancy legal way of saying that they didn't find probable cause, so he won't be facing charges. Various minority groups are a bit upset about this, but consider this: both of the deceased were illegal aliens with prior felony convictions.

The Bi-Monthly
: Brett Favre, retired unretired possibly unretired NFL quarterback. Once again, rumors are swirling that Favre is considering coming back to the Green Bay Packers. But, it appears that the Packers really don't want him back, and so it might be a possibility that Favre may ask for his release. The only way this gets better is if Favre ends up in, say, Chicago or Minnesota, both of whom are division rivals. Talk about shenanigans! Somewhere, John Madden just had an orgasmocoronary.

Jailbreak of the Week: Seattle Oklahoma City SuperSonics Name-to-be-determined. This metaphor only works if you view Clay Bennett as a prisoner and Seattle as the maximum security prison he made it out to be. But, let's be honest: who really thought that owners in Oklahoma City would buy a team a bazillion miles away and NOT try to move it to their home state? That's exactly what's happening as the city of Seattle reached a deal with the owners for up to $75M in cash along with the team name and colors in return for letting the team out of its lease. Of course, the real bad guy in all of this may be Howard Schultz, the Starbucks gazillionaire who bought the team in 2001, made a bunch of promises, then sold it to some Okies. No word on whether or not Oklahoma will be getting the pictured members of the Sonics Dance Team.

Biggest Amount of Money Spent on a Teenager: Oakland Athletics. They just happened to sign Dominican pitcher Michel Inoa to a contract that included a $4.25M bonus, the most ever paid to a ballplayer not from Cuba. Inoa is 6-foot-7, throws in the 94 MPH range, and, oh by the way, is all of sixteen years old. I don't think he's ever set foot in the United States, so we'll see how this turns out.

Most Awesome Thing About the Revolution: A three-day weekend. Besides, you know, freedom and capitalism and fireworks and the Statue of Liberty and hot dogs and baseball and football and porn and fast cars and milkshakes and light bulbs and HDTVs and basketball and Jennifer Love Hewitt and beer and movies and horseshoes and cell phones and iPods and peanut butter and chicken wings and PS3s and Led Zeppelin and Erin Andrews, of course. But you know what we mean.

That's all for us this week. In the meantime, enjoy the Non-Sports Related YouTube Video of the Week:

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