Your All-Nothing NBA Team

Since were in the middle of the NBA playoffs and all of the season-ending awards have been handed out, we would like to do a tribute to those that have already started their summer vacations. We want to honor the guys that keep the local law enforcement busy and their coaches on the brink of unemployment.

We've assembled a team of All-Star caliber (.38, .44, etc.) names that when put together have little to no chance of surviving the season. And we mean that literally: they may not live to see the All-Star break. If they do manage to avoid killing themselves (or too many others) and avoid the pokey, they are the type of team that would likely get beat nightly by any team with any semblance of what the Hubie Browns of the world call “team basketball.”

And now, ladies and gentlemen, put on your bulletproof vests and crash helmets for YOUR Las Vegas Dirtbags:

Point Guard (1)
Starter: Starting at point guard, you have to have Stephon ‘Can I interview the interns?’ Marbury. For his obvious ability to wreck a locker room, stagnate an offense and completely forget the concept of defense…he’s our starter. There’s no one else that’s even close. He “climbs the mountains,” you know.

Backups: For the backup position, our first choice was Steve Francis. However, due to the fact that he’s essentially gone MIA (and may have developed quite the drug habit), we'll go with Smush Parker instead. We’ll put Smush in charge of driving our team to the games because there’s no valet in any city that will try to charge him to park. We’ll need a driver because there isn’t a sane person alive that would get behind the wheel with this team in tow.

Also as a backup, this team wouldn’t be complete without Jamaal Tinsley. Who is going to carry the big bag of guns if we don’t have Jamaal?

Shooting Guard (2)
Starter: At our ‘shooting’ guard (as if those ballhogs at ‘point’ guard ever intended on passing--they may pass a blunt or a bottle of Hennessy but they damn sure aren’t passing the rock), the logical choice is Gilbert Arenas (a.k.a. Agent Zero) simply for the size of his ego and the number of times he and Marbury will get a 10-second call for wrestling over the ball in the back court.

Backups: This was a close call, but I had to make Vince Carter the backup SG. Frankly, though, it’s likely that Arenas and Carter will both be hurt so much that we won’t get too many games out of either one of them anyway. Carter will provide plenty of entertainment during pre-game warmups and blowout losses, but there’s no way he can stop his innate ability to run a team into the ground. This guy is such a cancer, he’s being studied at the CDC. (rimshot)

Our other backup guard is JJ Redick. Not because he’s a cancer or anything, but can you imagine the comedy of having him on this bus? And, he airballed a freakin’ layup this season. (Cadbury did that once too, but he was in 8th grade at the time.)



Small Forward (3)
Starter: Stephen Jackson. Do I have to elaborate? This guy probably has his own personal group of U.S. Marshals with him just in case someone looks at him funny. His former teammate and co-conspirator in most of their criminal cases is Ron Artest, so for disharmony’s sake we’d have to sign Artest as a backup, right? Wrong. Artest plays way too much defense so there’s no way he’ll make this team.

Backup: Carmelo Anthony. He’s a thug, ballhog and a cancer...plus, he’d probably fold like a cheap tent after being forced to play behind Jackson.

Power Forward (4)
Starter: Zach Randolph. He’s been in and out of jail since 1995. His record includes everything from shoplifting to sucker-punching teammates, from driving while drunk and high to being sued for sexual assault. If there’s ever been a cinch for team captain, it’s good old Z-Bo. Plus, he's a Knick!

Backup: This comes down to a battle between Joakim Noah and Kenyon Martin. Noah has some advantages because he’s an obvious misfit and can’t score. He even got suspended by his own teammates this season. Plus, when was the last time he hit a shot outside of three feet?

Kenyon is Kenyon. Again, not much explanation needed. He drives 101 in a 30mph zone, so he has the skills to help Smush make sure we are always on time. He is good for a couple good maniac screams a game too, so that should keep the groupies excited.

Center (5)
Starter: Yi Jianlian. He sucks, he’s overhyped, and it would be funny to have this guy on the team (plus JJ needs a roommate). Vince also needs a prop for his warmup routines.

Backup: None. They’d never make it.

Coach
Finally, we need a coach. There is no debate here. Has there ever been a more qualified applicant for this team than Isiah Thomas?


Yes, I would be ashamed too…