Friday, May 16, 2008

Monkey Butlers of the Week

Worst Impression of a Giddy Schoolgirl: Mike Tirico, ESPN/ABC. His gushing over the two kids from High School Musical, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, sitting near the press table during Game 4 of the Lakers-Jazz series. I don't know if Tirico has kids or if he was just that fired up about being so close to a Disney star that has nude pics floating around the Internet. Cross-promotion at its finest!

Best Use of a Batted Ball: Asdrubal Cabrera, Cleveland Indians. He turned an unassisted triple play against the Toronto Blue Jays. It was only the 14th unassisted triple play in MLB history (including the playoffs). To put this in perspective, there have been more perfect games (16) in history than unassisted triple plays. Also, another Cleveland player, Neal Ball, turned the first unassisted triple play in MLB history way back in 19-ought-9.

Worst Use of an Open Wheel Racecar: Danica Patrick, IRL driver. Danica ran over poor Chuck Buckman, Chief Mechanic for Dale Coyne Racing, during practice for the neverending time trials/practice/qualifying/pole qualifying for the Indianapolis 500. Actually, she didn't run over him as much as knock him over her car. Buckman landed on his head and neck, rendering him unconscious, and he suffered a skull fracture and cuts to his face. Good news, though, as he was released from the hospital and sent home to continue his recovery.

Worst Time to Impersonate Rasheed Wallace: David West, New Orleans Hornets. Shortly into the third quarter of Game Six of the Western Conference semifinals, West was called for an offensive foul, his fourth. Did Tim Duncan flop? Most likely. Did West lower his shoulder and extend his left arm as he backed Duncan down? Looked like it. Had the Hornets just had what seemed like ten fouls called on them in a matter of a few minutes? Seemed that way. Did the Hornets need West to go 'Sheed postal and pick up a technical? Absolutely not. The Hornets imploded and the lead grew from 7 to 15 by the end of the third quarter. Then, to add injury to insult, Robert Horry set a vicious pick and West went down with a back injury at the beginning of the fourth quarter (he reaggravated an old pinched nerve injury). The result? A 99-80 Spurs win and a Game 7 on Monday.

Best Cy Young Impression: Cliff Lee, Cleveland Indians. Even though these are weekly awards, we have to recognize Lee because we've only been in existence for a week. His stat line so far this season: 6-0, .67 ERA, .67 WHIP. That's just ridiculous.

Most Ridiculous Wardrobe for a TV Personality: Don Cherry, hockey announcer. His appearances on ESPN have introduced America to the Canadian Liberace. Good Lord.

Honorary Monkey Butler of the Week: H.G. "Buzz" Bissinger. You, sir, are part of our namesake, and the fact that we found the notion of you owning a monkey butler to be comical led to the title of this site. Thank you for your angry bluster.

Non-Sports Related YouTube Video of the Week: Bill O'Reilly, when he was working on Inside Edition. Classic.

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