Friday, June 13, 2008

Monkey Butlers of the (Last Two) Week(s)

Award for Getting the Most Out of a Sac Fly: Joe Mauer, Minnesota Twins. In a game against the Orioles on June 4, Mauer drove in not one, but two runs with one sacrifice fly. He hit a ball to deep center field and as the fielder went to throw the ball back into the infield, he slipped; as a result, Carlos Gomez, who had been on second, just kept on running and scored, giving Mauer two RBIs with one sac fly.

Best Example of a Colossal Waste of Money: Cedric Benson, Chicago Bears. Benson was dismissed from the team this week after his second alcohol-related arrest. His numbers with the Bears work out to something like this: $40K per carry, $10K per yard, and $1.7M per touchdown.

Worst Drunk-Driving Episode by a Non-Athlete: Juan Campos, idiot. Campos was so drunk that he was somehow able to completely not see the two dozen or so bicyclists that he plowed into with his car. The riders were part of a race just over the U.S. border in Mexico. Ouch.

Worst Drunk-Driving Episode by a Former Athlete: Kenny Stabler. Stabler, 62, was pulled over in the wee hours of the morning last Sunday in Robertsdale, AL, not far from Alabama's beautiful, sparkling Gulf Coast. As a result of the traffic stop, he was charged with DUI. He's had two prior DUI arrests, one in 1995 and the other in 2001, so if you think about it, he was a bit overdue for another one.

Best Dance-off: Words cannot even describe.

Busch Stadium Fan Battle - video powered by Metacafe

Most Epic, Mind-Blowing and Indefensible Collapse of the Past Two Weeks: Big Brown, horse. Big Brown failed in his bid to complete a long anticipated run to the Triple Crown by finishing last in the Belmont Stakes. The reason for his poor showing has yet to be determined, but my money is on the lack of steroids. Just a hunch. (What, you expected the Lakers to be here?)

Most Crushing Injury of the Past Two Weeks: Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals, and Alfonso Soriano, Chicago Cubs, (tie). Pujols went down with a strained calf in Tuesday night's 7-2 win over the Cincinnati Reds and is expected to miss three weeks. Soriano fell victim to the inevitable curse of the Cubs and broke a bone in his hand after being hit with a pitch during Wednesday's 7-2 win over the Atlanta Braves. He's expected to miss six weeks. Anyone else find it eerie that both Pujols and Soriano were injured in games their respective teams won by scores of 7-2? No? It is Friday the 13th, you know.

Best Rejuvenation of Former NBA Players: Terry Porter, Michael Curry & Vinny Del Negro. This week, Porter was hired as head coach of the Phoenix Suns, Curry was introduced as the Detroit Pistons' new coach, and Del Negro was hired as the new head coach of the Chicago Bulls. Never has so much former averageness been rewarded so richly in such a short period of time. No word on whether Del Negro still sports his perfectly-coiffed, '80s hairdo as no recent pictures of him exist.

Most Supernatural Healing Powers of the Week Award: The Boston Celtics Medical Staff. After miraculously healing Paul Pierce's injured knee during last week's Game One, Kendrick Perkins' ankle before Game Two, and Rajon Rondo's ankle before Game Four, the Celtics Medical Staff have proven they possess supernatural powers that must be shared with the rest of the world. Perhaps they could turn their incredible powers on cancer, or perhaps Hobson's heart, which is possibly irreparable after last night's Lakers' collapse. Who knows what good they could do for society? Good thing for us they don't live in Africa or they would have already been burned alive for being witches. I suspect, however, that the Boston trainers were more likely engaging in the same activities as Mr. Miyagi is pictured doing here and not curing "injuries."

Worst. Television. Announcer. Ever.: Chris Berman, ESPN. There can be no doubt to this one. Scientists have tried, and failed, to calculate which level of Hell Berman's suckdom has sunk to; even though they may be able to theorize how many levels of Hell exist, they cannot accurately predict where Berman's suckdom would plunge to because of the forces his suckdom exert on Hell itself. In other words, as his suckdom plunges further and further into Hell, more levels of Hell are apparently created. As such, Berman's performance on television can only be described as sucking so bad as to be immeasurable.

Random YouTube Video of the Week:

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