Buzz's Monkey Butler

This Is Why You Suck

2008-10-28T11:28:00.002-04:00

And We're Back!

2008-10-14T13:36:00.000-04:00

And we're back. Check this poor sap out:

The REAL Michael Phelps

2008-08-26T09:47:00.001-04:00

Here's the heretofore (is that a word?) unseen video of Michael Phelps' amazing 100m butterfly victory in Bejing:

Your Home for the 2020 Olympics: Birmingham, Alabama!

2008-08-19T15:22:00.003-04:00

At least that's what Birmingham mayor Larry Langford believes. Nevermind the fact that the city's infrastructure is in no way, shape or form ready to host anything larger than the first & second rounds of the NCAA basketball tournament or a monster truck rally, much less the Olympics. The pitch is to show people that "we can do something!"

Among Langford's claims: Badminton could be held almost anywhere...archery at the state park...basketball at the Birmingham Jefferson Civic Center or the "new dome"....kayaking in the Cahaba River....cycling at "the new Fair Park"....equestrian at the Birmingham Race Course (which features greyhound racing)...the possibilities are endless!

Not to mention fencing:

All you need is a big open place, a mask over your face, one of them funny little suits and a tip over your sword and you can just duke it out all day long.

Lankford claims that all Birmingham needs to do is "put a little grease on the bottom of the pan, butter the pan, put some flour on and put the mix in."

Sounds like a recipe for success to me.

The Roundtable: Larry Langford Montage

The Agony of Defeat & A Failure of Sportsmanship

2008-08-19T15:04:00.003-04:00

Imagine this: you've worked tirelessly at something for years, taken odd jobs and sacrificed in a way that most of us never will experience in our lives. All for the chance to one day compete in an athletic event that won't last as long as most television commercials. You have sacrificed, compromised and trained your way into the position as the top performer in your sport. You are running the 100 meter hurdles final in the Olympics. You posted the fastest time in the world this year in the semifinals. You are so far ahead that it is a foregone conclusion that you will win the gold medal.

And then, your foot clips the top of the next to last hurdle and you go down, in a heap. In a daze, you stand and jump the last hurdle and finish the race seventh.

My God, how horrible that must feel.

That is what happened today to American Lolo Jones, the premier athlete in the world in the 100 meter hurdles. She was out front, cruising to victory, when it all fell apart:

"About twice a year you hit a hurdle and it affects your race," Jones said. "Unfortunately, it was the biggest race of my life."

After crossing the finish line, Jones collapsed and cried. Years of sacrifice came pouring out; she was simply heartbroken at what had taken place. You just had to feel sorry for her, right?

Not if you were fellow American and competitor Dawn Harper. Harper couldn't be bothered with even so much as speaking to her teammate:

Harper set off in a delirious victory lap and never bothered to look back at Jones, stricken on the track. Neither did the surprise silver and bronze medalists, Australian Sally McLellan and Canadian Priscilla Lopes-Schleip. American fourth-place finisher Damu Cherry placed her hands sympathetically on Jones' shoulders as she sat on her knees and cried.

At least Cherry played the part of a human and stuck around to console Jones. The kicker was that Harper crossed the line a full tenth of a second slower than the time Jones had run in the prelims.

Now, I know that you've got to clear all of the hurdles in order to win the race; but, at the same time, don't you have to have a small bit of respect for the woman lying on the track? It wasn't like Harper beat Jones "fair and square"; rather, it took a catastrophic fall from Jones for Harper to even sniff the gold.

At any rate, in Bejing today, you were able to see the awfulness of the agony of defeat, only to watch it followed up by a complete failure of sportsmanship. Frankly, I expect more out of our athletes, and Harper failed her test of sportsmanship.

ESPN: Don't think Olympics can't be cruel?

Suck It, France

2008-08-11T12:08:00.003-04:00

I almost hate to admit it, as cynical as I am, and as sarcastic as I am, but I've got to say it: I've got Olympic fever. I watched the incredible opening ceremonies on Friday night, alternately in awe and terrified at the 2,008 drummers shouting and beating their drums. I watched Michael Phelps win his first gold medal in the 400 IM as he started his quest to best Mark Spitz's record of seven gold medals at one Olympic Games. I've watched beach volleyball (men's and women's), indoor women's volleyball, boxing, team handball, men's and women's gymnastics, men's water polo, countless other swimming events, and even women's badminton. I've watched almost every chance I've had. I've commented on the fact that the badminton announcers call it a "shuttle" because they're afraid to say "shuttlecock." I've spoken with a buddy about how hard it must be to play five minutes of beach volleyball. I've thought that it seems rather sad that Michael Phelps can swim 400M faster than I can cover the same distance on the ground. I felt happy for Raj Bhavsar, who frankly got screwed after the U.S. Olympic trials when he was left off the men's gymnastics team, when after several injuries he ended up getting to compete.

Nothing, however, prepared me for the awesomeness of the U.S. 4x100M relay team sticking it to France last night. The French talked a bit of smack in the days leading up to the Olympics, declaring that they were there to "smash" the Americans. Unfortunately for the Frenchies, Jason Lezak did his best Kurt-Russell-playing-Wyatt-Earp impression, standing up and saying "NO" and over the last 50m ran down world record-holder Alain Bernard in one of those "I'm watching this but I don't believe what I'm seeing" moments. Lezak swam the fastest 100m ever recorded. Ever. All that was missing was Jack Buck exclaiming "I don't believe what I just saw!"

The race itself was a microcosm of almost all sports. You had the star, Phelps, leading off the relay and setting a new American 100m split record in the process, which although great, still wasn't good enough for the lead. Then you had Garrett Weber-Gale and Cullen Jones swimming the next two legs, both toiling in relative obscurity but now exposed on the biggest stage with the very real possibility of being designated as "the one who screwed it up for Phelps." They didn't.

And then there was Lezak, the sage veteran. He's anchored the relay team for years. He anchored the U.S. relay teams in 2000 and 2004, the only two years the Americans haven't won this event. He likely wanted to win this one more than any other swimmer in Bejing. At the 50m turn, he was almost a full length behind. I said, "Well, it's over." I kept watching, hoping for a miracle. 25m to go, and it was a half a length. The crowd began to cheer louder and louder. 10M to go and I was yelling at the TV, "COME ON! SWIM YOU BASTARD!" When that long, skinny, "look who won" American flag came up first, I went bananas. Over a swimming race. I had chills. In sum, it was amazing.

Aren't sports great?

ESPN: "No way" turns into "No quit" for Lezak, men's relay team

Yeah, So It's Been Like Two Weeks

2008-08-04T12:52:00.004-04:00

Things happen. Life goes on. And today, our return is marked with enthusiasm from Alabama fans, Penn State fans, and, heck, fans of any school whose players can't keep from getting arrested. Not because we're back; no, my friends, because of the #1 team in America, both in votes by coach's assistants and on the local police blotter: Georgia.

It seems that these Bulldogs just can't keep from getting into trouble. Over the weekend, no less than four Bulldogs were involved in all sorts of shenanigans. Barfight at a bar called The Library? Check. Two players getting hit over the head with beer bottles? Check. Another player apparently went to the hospital to check on the two bottleheads and went all Hulk on a few trash cans. On video. Finally, UGA's long snapper was arrested for urinating on a bank.

From fans of programs who have been through the arrest ringer this offseason, I say a hearty thank you to you Bulldogs. Now keep on keepin' on.

Monkey Butlers of the Week

2008-07-18T11:10:00.005-04:00

Athlete Breaking the Law Part I: Quinton
"Rampage"
Jackson. The MMA fighter decided that Tuesday was a good day to hit several cars and then lead police on a bizarre car chase before being arrested for felony evading, et al. In providing Costa Mesa with his best Grand Theft Auto imitation, Jackson was seen hitting cars on the freeway, crossing center dividers, and talking on his cell phone while driving onto sidewalks, which caused several pedestrians to have to jump out of the way. The chase finally ended when I presume Jackson was unable to continue on his shredded tire. Even more bizarre? No evidence of drug or alcohol use by Jackson was found.

Athlete Breaking the Law Part II: Double winner alert! Rampage Jackson was at it again on Wednesday; although I don't guess he technically "broke the law," police were called to Jackson's residence after receiving reports of a crazy man named Rampage acting, well crazy. As a result, Jackson was taken and hospitalized for a mental health evaluation. Yikes.

Motivational Speaker of the Week: Ichiro Suzuki, batshit-crazy baseball player. It came out this week that since 2001, tiny supposedly-can't-speak-English Ichiro has delivered a pregame speech before each All Star game in the American League locker room. The funny part is that the speech is so laced with profanities that it would probably make most batshit-crazy high school football coaches blush. Two things to learn from this: 1) Ichiro can speak better English than he lets on, and 2) a National League team needs to trade for him post-haste.

Best Use of a Hotel Room Overlooking an MLB Stadium Award: The half-naked chick staying at the Renaissance Hotel in Toronto. You see, the hotel has suites that look down into Rogers Centre Stadium, the home of the Toronto Blue Jays. Last Saturday, a lovely young blonde woman was photographed leaning up against the window of the suite while casually carrying on a conversation with a man. The only problem for parents of small children was that the woman was seemingly only wearing a thong. Ka-zow! I would like to know, however, why the other two guys in the photo are completely oblivious to the topless woman's presence. Have they already had their go at her? Are they tired of stuffing $1 in her thong? Are they perhaps blind?

ESPN's Overhyped Story of the Week: O.J. Mayo's 3/4 court shot in an NBA summer league game. It was the end of the first quarter. It was from almost 70 feet away. It was meaningless in every single way. However, ESPN.com chose to describe it thusly: "O.J. Mayo...made the most spectacular shot of his career Monday night at the NBA Summer League." The title to the article on the website called it "career highlight No. 1." Gee, I wonder which draft pick ESPN has latched its long, evil tentacles into?

The "Don't Let the Door Hit You On Your Way Out" Award: Billy Packer, ex-CBS basketball analyst. It was announced this week that Packer would not be returning to call the NCAA Tournament for CBS next year, thus breaking his 34 year streak of calling the Final Four. His replacement will be Jim Nantz's doppleganger, Clark Kellogg. I'm sure that it will be a pairing unlike any other. The decision was actually made last year, and Packer eschewed any sort of "farewell tour" type of sendoff, so I believe that does say something about the character of the man. I always kind of liked Packer even though it seems that most of the rest of the world doesn't, so at the very least I'll miss him. He was certainly better than what I think Kellogg will be.

He Had it Coming Award: Jose Canseco. Canseco squared off against ex-Philadelphia Eagle Via Sikahema in a bout meant to test whether or not Canseco would move from boxing and into the world of MMA. Canseco outweighed Sikahema by 43 pounds and had a seven inch height advantage, both of which bought Jose a scant thirty seconds before Sikahema put him on the canvas with a left hook. Canseco got up, got pummelled for another minute or so, then went down for good. As I'm sure many current and former MLB-ers would say (Mr. Burns-style): Excellent. Check out the video:

Best Manager Tirade of the Week: Kash Beauchamp, Wichita Wingnuts. Sensing that his team needed a spark, an inspiration, a kick in the pants, etc., Beauchamp decided to go wingnut and get thrown out of the game. His shoe came off. His armpit was thrust into the umpires face. We feel that this one is better told through video:

Loser of the Week: Alex Rodriguez. He was hosting a "bash" at Jay-Z's 40/40 club in NYC Monday night and he invited all of his friends. The popular guy, Derek Jeter, was on the list. So was the class whore, Madonna. Heck, he even invited some of the nerdy guys Billy Crystal and David Wright so that everyone would be included, because he's that type of guy. The only problem? Nobody showed up. A-Rod was seen sitting in a corner booth doing shots, accompanied by Madonna ~~friend~~ hanger-on Ingrid Casares, his new agent, Guy Oseary (godfather to Madonna's children), and his mother. Meanwhile, Jeter was partying somewhere else with his hottie-of-the week, Minka Kelly, Crystal and Michael Jordan. Wright even threw his own party, which featured a performance by none-other than 50 Cent (yeah, that makes sense).

Random Bikini Photo of the Week:

Random Somewhat-Sports-Related YouTube of the Week:

Insert Joke Here

2008-07-17T13:02:00.009-04:00

You know, I've never seen more guys excited by a hunk of wood since, uh, well, ever:

I can't figure out why the three guys in the middle have their hands so low. Does anyone else think that the bat is going to nail all of them across the face? The pensive Mexican kid is also odd as well. Does he not know that the Bat of Death is hurtling towards his tiny head?

Also, how about the expression on that girl's face at the bottom of the picture? It looks like she's signaling for a retarded touchdown.

SportsbyBrooks: The Lighter Side of Broken Bats Soaring Into Seats

Black Thursday at Royal Birkdale

2008-07-17T11:22:00.002-04:00

Wow. Phil's at +9, Ernie and Vijay are at +10, and some guy named Greg Norman is even through 11 holes, good for second place. So this is what happens when Tiger Woods doesn't show up? (Check live scores here)

Els played the front nine at +1 and then decided to completely melt on the back nine, even as the weather got better, with a cool, breezy +9. Phil and Vijay pretty much mucked up the entire course.

Meanwhile, the top of the leaderboard is loaded with old names like the Shark and Tom Lehman along with relative unknowns, like Ross Fisher, Peter Hanson and Douglas McGuigan. Fisher is apparently some sort of rookie phenom on the European Tour, or at least the British guys on the XM coverage think he is. They also kept talking about "the email from Middlefart" and laughing like 12-year-old boys, so I'm not exactly sure which of what they said was true or conjecture or lunacy.

Oh, by the way, the pictured superstar was also at +10 for his first round. No word on whether Butch Harmon was there heckling him.

A Solution to the Whole Brett Favre Mess

2008-07-14T09:03:00.001-04:00

Ok, so like everyone in the first, second or third world knew would happen, Brett Favre has come back and started a melodrama worthy of a Daytime Emmy. In what wasn't apparently known at the time, Favre reached out to the Packers in March after his retirement news conference and said he was having second thoughts; at the time, the Packers told him they would take him back. But, before a meeting between Favre and Packers GM Ted Thompson could take place, Favre cancelled the meeting and said he was staying retired. The Packers then moved on with the preparation of Aaron Rodgers. (Check out a good timeline of all this here.)

Favre then had another change of heart, and sometime after a meeting with Packers offensive line coach James Campen, he tried to text message with Thompson and was given a textual bitch-slap as a result. Then came the infamous conference call last Tuesday where Thompson and Packers coach Mike McCarthy did their best Eskimo impressions. As a result, Favre, through his agent ~~Jerome Bettis~~ James "Bus" Cook, submitted a request that the Packers simply release him, thus allowing him the freedom to play for any NFL team, including either the Minnesota Vikings or the Chicago Bears. Thompson's response? Why, to call Favre's bluff, of course, and refuse to release Favre and instead invite him to return. Some reports even insinuated that the Packers essentially told Favre that he could come back, but that he might be wearing a hat and holding a clipboard while he watched Aaron Rodgers play quarterback.

So, where does that leave us? I think that this puts Favre in the driver's seat. He's up against a GM that is seemingly desperate to make his mark in Green Bay, legendary quarterback be damned. For those of you who may have forgotten, Rodgers was the first player drafted by Thompson back in 2005, and he wants to make good on his first pick. He's probably betting that Favre will fold, not wanting to return in a backup role. But, Thompson's reasoning is flawed on so many levels:

1) There's just no way the Packers could allow Favre to come back and then have him patrol the sidelines during the games. No way. The ensuing PR fiasco would sink the season.

2) Even if they did go with the nuclear option, how do you think the fans would react after Rodgers went, say, 8-for-21 with three picks in week one's game against the Vikings? It wouldn't be pretty, that's for sure.

3) The Packers best chance to win a Super Bowl right now is with Favre. No one can possibly argue with that. They won their division last year and were a few plays away from playing in the Super Bowl. Why not take Favre back and make one more run?

The problem this situation has caused can be blamed both on Favre and Thompson. Favre retired, changed his mind, had the green light from the Packers and then decided to stay retired back in April. Thompson, however, still should have known that given the nature of "living legend" retirees, Favre would probably "get the itch" and again want to return. Instead of accepting that fact and dealing with it amicably, Thompson has instead created a situation that is akin to a Mexican standoff. Thompson's problem is that the fans (at least some of them), are on Favre's side.

In my opinion, there is a way out. Favre has three years and $39M left on his contract. Why not reach out to Favre and welcome him back on the condition that he restructure his contract into a one year deal with a player option for 2009? If it IS possible, that would bring Favre back for one year, give the Packers a date certain for Favre's decision on playing in 2009, and put everything out on the table. Next year, there'd be no melodrama as Favre would have to make his decision on playing if he wanted to keep playing for the Packers. While this would give Favre the option of opting out and signing with another team, the chances of him wanting to play another season go down each year he plays. The Packers could fix their current situation and just bank on the fact that Favre wouldn't want to start over with another team so late in his career if he opted out.

In the meantime, we're left wondering who's going to blink first in this inane game of chicken.

Monkey Butlers of the Week

2008-07-11T14:47:00.008-04:00

Ok, so this has been a really slow week for us. In fact, this will be our only post of the week. Sorry about that. Paying jobs sort of get in the way sometimes, you know? Without further ado, here we go...

Former Athlete Rapist of the Week Part I: Tony Zendejas, former kicker. Yes, even kickers have gotten on board with the whole rap sheet thing. Zendejas, formerly of the Los Angeles Rams, now owns a bar in San Dimas. Yes, that San Dimas. He apparently serves roofies with his drinks, as a female patron reported that Zendejas gave her a drink that made her groggy. She then awoke in a nearby motel and reported that she'd been raped.

Former Athlete Rapist of the Week, Part II: Teddy Dupay, former basketball player with the University of Florida. A woman alleged that Dupay beat her up and raped her at a ski resort in Utah; Dupay admits being with the woman and said that they "got a little rough" but that he didn't rape her. Apparently, Teddy's idea of rough sex apparently results in fractured ribs, bruises, black eyes & scratches. Dupay also apparently forced the woman under a desk and threatened to kill her if she told anyone. Yeah, that's love.

The "Yep, That's How We Do It Down Here" Award: Trussville, Alabama. That's where middle school teacher Julie Pritchett was working her way through the middle school's baseball team; she had almost made it through the lineup, but apparently one of the kids couldn't keep his good fortune to himself so the sex train was derailed. Once Mrs. Robinson got wind of the investigation, she resigned her teaching position, thus saving puberty-stricken boys everywhere in Trussville-area schools from her libido.

All Signs Point to Yes: Madonnarod looks like it may be happening! The feel-good hit of the summer just keeps on gaining steam as Alex Rodriguez's wife, Cynthia, filed for divorce this week. She said in her filings that the marriage was irretrievably broken due to A-Rod's "extramarital affairs and other marital misconduct." Yikes. Of course, Madonna finally came out and denied doing the nasty with A-Rod, but C-Rod apparently needed a trip to Paris and the home of Lenny Kravitz to clear her mind and help her make the decision to divorce Rodriguez. This has all the makings of a summer blockbuster, folks, especially if there is a divorce trial and it delves into the same territory that the clusterfuck that was the Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook fiasco. Stay tuned.

Broke Athlete of the Week: Vin Baker. The 14-year NBA veteran had his gigantic mansion foreclosed on this week. The house sold at auction for $2.5M to the bank holding the TWO mortgages on the property. The house is a 9,300 square foot shack with a pool, a tiny two lane bowling alley, and only six bedrooms. I'm surprised he could even stand being seen in the place, you know? Seriously, though, how in the world does someone play fourteen years in the NBA and not be able to afford a house, even if it is a giant house on a 12 acre piece of land?

NFL Arrest of the Week: Matt Jones, Jacksonville Jaguars. Jones was arrested in Fayetteville, Arkansas for possession of cocaine after an officer caught Jones cutting up powder cocaine with a credit card in the backseat of an vehicle. Yep, those Arkansas boys were always smart, you know? I mean, it's one thing that you're in a parked vehicle getting your lines together for your blow session, but how can you completely miss the two police officers walking up to the vehicle?

Ageless Wonder of the Week: Dara Torres, U.S. Olympic Swim Team. She's 41. She made the U.S. Olympic Swim Team in both the 50m and 100m freestyle, although she'll only swim the 50m in Bejing. She set a new U.S. record in the 50m in the semis and then broke her own record the next day in the finals. Unreal for a 41-year-old mom. Of course, many think that Torres is doping in some way, but she's made herself available for any type of drug test anyone can think to give her, so at least she's fighting the good fight. However, in today's doping world, everyone is guilty until, well, they're all just guilty, right?

Random Bikini Picture of the Week:

Non-Sports Related YouTube Video of the Week, brought to you by stupid criminals everywhere:

Monkey Butlers of the Week

2008-07-03T12:18:00.006-04:00

Worst Injury of the Week: Chris Snyder, Arizona Diamondbacks. Snyder went on the 15-day disabled list this week due to the foul ball that hit him in the groin. Two observations: 1) Since when did catchers stop wearing cups? and 2) What did Snyder do to piss off karma that bad?

Absurd Knee-Jerk Reaction of the Week: NHRA. In the wake of Scott Kalitta's tragic death a few weeks ago, the NHRA has decided to shorten the length of the tracks in its Top Fuel and Funny Car divisions. Instead of running the holy standard 1/4 mile (1320 feet), they will now run 1000 feet. Isn't this a bit like, say, MLB shortening the basepaths from 90 to 60 feet so pansies like Chien-Ming Wang don't hurt themselves? Or football shortening the length of games so its poor players don't get tired? (Ed. Note: The picture is of Ashley Force, NHRA driver, so yes, the picture goes with this item, although barely.)

Non-Sports Related "Don't Screw With This Guy" Award of the Week: Joe Horn, Texas resident and expert shotgun marksman, not the other Joe Horn. This is the guy who called 911, told the dispatcher that two guys were robbing his neighbor's house, and then shot them because the cops didn't show up in time. The District Attorney presented the case to a grand jury and they no-billed it, whichi is a fancy legal way of saying that they didn't find probable cause, so he won't be facing charges. Various minority groups are a bit upset about this, but consider this: both of the deceased were illegal aliens with prior felony convictions.

The Bi-Monthly
"Really?"
Award: Brett Favre, ~~retired~~ ~~unretired~~ possibly unretired NFL quarterback. Once again, rumors are swirling that Favre is considering coming back to the Green Bay Packers. But, it appears that the Packers really don't want him back, and so it might be a possibility that Favre may ask for his release. The only way this gets better is if Favre ends up in, say, Chicago or Minnesota, both of whom are division rivals. Talk about shenanigans! Somewhere, John Madden just had an orgasmocoronary.

Jailbreak of the Week: ~~Seattle~~ Oklahoma City ~~SuperSonics~~ Name-to-be-determined. This metaphor only works if you view Clay Bennett as a prisoner and Seattle as the maximum security prison he made it out to be. But, let's be honest: who really thought that owners in Oklahoma City would buy a team a bazillion miles away and NOT try to move it to their home state? That's exactly what's happening as the city of Seattle reached a deal with the owners for up to $75M in cash along with the team name and colors in return for letting the team out of its lease. Of course, the real bad guy in all of this may be Howard Schultz, the Starbucks gazillionaire who bought the team in 2001, made a bunch of promises, then sold it to some Okies. No word on whether or not Oklahoma will be getting the pictured members of the Sonics Dance Team.

Biggest Amount of Money Spent on a Teenager: Oakland Athletics. They just happened to sign Dominican pitcher Michel Inoa to a contract that included a $4.25M bonus, the most ever paid to a ballplayer not from Cuba. Inoa is 6-foot-7, throws in the 94 MPH range, and, oh by the way, is all of sixteen years old. I don't think he's ever set foot in the United States, so we'll see how this turns out.

Most Awesome Thing About the Revolution: A three-day weekend. Besides, you know, freedom and capitalism and fireworks and the Statue of Liberty and hot dogs and baseball and football and porn and fast cars and milkshakes and light bulbs and HDTVs and basketball and Jennifer Love Hewitt and beer and movies and horseshoes and cell phones and iPods and peanut butter and chicken wings and PS3s and Led Zeppelin and Erin Andrews, of course. But you know what we mean.

That's all for us this week. In the meantime, enjoy the Non-Sports Related YouTube Video of the Week:

'Old Hank' Post of the Day

2008-07-02T14:23:00.006-04:00

Every so often, we'll feature something that Hammerin' Hank Steinbrenner has said regarding baseball, life, or aliens. We'll call it a "post of the day," even though in no way, shape or form do we think we'll be having one Hank post per day. It's just a title, see?

Today, Hank sounded off on his Yankees ballclub, and he pointed out what is possibly the most astute thing ever I've heard about what a ballclub needs to do to win: "We've got to start hitting."

You see, Hank has tapped in to that mystical realm where only the truly sage baseball people (Peter Gammons, Casey Stengel, and Yogi Berra come to mind) have ever gone: He's realized that, in addition to pitching, a team must also hit to win (unless said team is the Dodgers). Truly remarkable.

He also took an apparent potshot at Alex Rodriguez by saying, "Maybe a little less outside distractions and a little more concentrating and they'll start hitting better." He just HAS to be talking about Madonnarod, right?

Of course, someone might want to point out that over the last month, A-Rod is hitting .356 with 9 home runs, 23 RBIs and has scored 24 times (not counting Madonna, of course. Hey-oh! Ok, that was bad. We apologize.)

Of course, over that same time span, only two full-time Yankees are hitting less than .284: Bobby Abreu at .250 and Melky Cabrera at .196. But, it wouldn't be abnormal if it wasn't Hank!

ESPN: Hank Steinbrenner: Yankees hitters need to 'wake up'

A-Rod and the Wicked Witch of the East?

2008-07-01T15:47:00.006-04:00

Yep, that right there would be a picture of Madonna and one of her ~~workers~~ kids in none other than New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez's box seats at a June 22 Yankee game.

Now, at first glance, that doesn't mean that the possibly soon-to-be-divorced ~~tranny lookalike~~ pop diva and baseball's ~~most gay~~ best player are carrying on a sinful relationship. No, they just might be friends, because Latin-American-Dominican (what is he again?) ballplayers in their 30s definitely hang out with aging pop stars all the time. Plus, Madonna's married to that Guy Ritchie fellow and A-Rod is married to the mother of his two children, one of whom was just born back in April (the second, not the first).

Apparently, A-Rod has been sneaking over to Madonna's Central Park West apartment, and leaving "as late as midnight." (The horror!) There's also rumors that A-Rod attended a concert of Madonna's back in April and the boys over at Deadspin have gotten a tip that Madonnarod have been sneaking off on private jets together. No word on whether this affected A-Rod's decision to blow off the home run derby that's part of the very last All Star game ever at old Yankee Stadium, but I'd bet that it did, since those Brits can be callous and cold and A-Rod definitely isn't winning over many fans with this latest move.

I really, really, really hope this blows up and involves all kind of shenanigans because it will make July go by a whole lot faster.

(Ed. Note: By "apparently," we mean that it is most likely definitely and/or possibly true. And yes, I know that Madonna is American, but have you heard her talk lately? She's rockin' the fake British accent, you know.)

So It's July Around Here

2008-07-01T10:53:00.004-04:00

And you know what that means--fewer posts! Why, might you ask? Well, we could've done posts recently on the USA basketball team's uniform unveiling ceremony, or on Manny shoving that ticket guy, or on the 47 come-from-behind wins in the world of baseball last night, but frankly, we're a bit depressed.

July in the yearly sports calendar is a dead zone of immense proportions, not unlike the current dead zone affecting the Chinese coastline. What is it that we have to look forward to, other than the inevitable Michelle Wie implosion? NASCAR's ~~Firecracker 400~~ ~~Pepsi 400~~ Coke Zero 400? What about those of us that don't live in the South and as a result don't enjoy it when Kyle Busch gets wrecked by some furrener soundin' guy? What about those of us that don't care about the opening of the NBA free agency period or whether Agent Zero gets $100M or Baron Davis ends up in Memphis? I guess we could get started on that dissertation about how SportsNation's "STAMP IT!" is the worst segment ever to be broadcasted on radio, or we could sound off on the fact that, once again, the American men have posted another poor showing at Wimbledon.

Ok, ok, you got us: even though July is a dead zone for sports, there has still be plenty to talk about. We're just lazy and/or busy at work (or just lazy at work). As punishment for not giving a damn about the blog this week, enjoy the photo.

Monkey Butlers of the Week

2008-06-27T09:27:00.009-04:00

Quickest Turnaround From a High to a Low: Felix Hernandez, Mariners. He hit a grand slam in the second inning of Monday night's game against the New York Mets, the first ever homer by a Mariner pitcher. He had been on a scorching 1-for-8 lifetime pace prior to embarrassing Mets pitcher Johan Santana, who was unimpressed: "It seemed to me when he swung, he closed his eyes." Martinez followed up his round-tripper by rolling his ankle in the 6th inning while covering home and had to come out of the game.

Cinderella Story of the Week: Turkey. The country, not the meat. In making an improbable run to the semifinals of EURO 2008, the mad Turks dealt with a rash of injuries and suspensions that led to a less-than-full squad that took the field against Germany on Wednesday. And yet, as they did time and again in the tournament, they were there at the end with a chance to win it only to see Germany score the game winner in the 90th minute.

Most Obvious Cinderella Story of the Week: Fresno State, YOUR 2008 NCAA Baseball Champs. In what some people are calling "the biggest upset of the 21st century," the "Wonderdogs" fought their way to Omaha, burned it to the ground, and then headed back to California with a championship trophy. In the decisive third game of the best-of-three finale, Fresno rode the bat of right fielder Steve Detwiler, who went 4-4 with two home runs and six RBIs (for those scoring at home, that would be all of Fresno's runs). Even more impressive was the fact that Detwiler was playing with a severed tendon in his left thumb.

Worst Rap Performance of the Week: Shaquille O'Neal. I'm sorry, but when I heard the "news" about this "story," I was curious to what Shaq sounded like when he was "freestylin'." I've never heard Shaq rap before, and I was actually shocked to learn that he has at least five albums available for purchase. (With such song titles as "Boom!" and "Mic Check 1-2," the world can be assured that the music library of Shaq will live on forever.) At any rate, I tracked down the video of the "rap," and while I honestly wasn't expecting Eminem from 8 Mile, I wasn't expecting the stuttering fat kid from the fifth grade, either:

My two favorite lines: "If Biggie was here, he would be there," and "I'm a horse, Kobe ratted me out, that's why I'm getting divorced." Essentially, this all boils down to one thing: Kobe is relevant, and Shaq has become irrelevant. So what does Mr. Irrelevant do? He scratches and claws in any way he can to become relevant again. At least two of the sheriffs that pandered to Shaq are asking for their badges back, and Shaq has apparently decided that Huntsville, Alabama will be his new home away from home. Uh, yeah, Shaq; your kids on a rocket. Sure.

Worst Link of the Past to the Present for a Football Program: Ken Stabler, meet Jimmy Johns:

This photo saddens me.

Hand in the Cookie Jar Award: Rick Dutrow, douchebag. Dutrow has been suspended for fifteen days for loading up one of the horses he trains with twice the allowable level of clenbuterol, a drug that aids breathing by magically making a horse's lungs larger. (Josh Howard just fell out of his chair.) Dutrow was informed of the positive test in Mid-May, but failed to tell his bosses over at IEAH, so they're real happy with him right now. What's more, Dutrow's been cited for 18 other drug infractions since 2000. What's it take for a horse trainer to get banned?

Spoiled Return of the Week: Albert Pujols, by the Detroit Tigers. Returning to play for the first time in 13 games, Pujols went 4-for-4 with an intentional walk and knocked in the go-ahead run in the top of the ninth. Unfortunately for him, the Cardinals bullpen disintegrated, with Ryan Franklin giving up a tying home run in the ninth only to be followed by Mike Parisi walking in the winning run in the tenth. I never thought I'd say this, but maybe it's time to put Jason Isringhausen back in the closer role? He pitched 2 1/3 innings in the game, giving up two hits and recording two strikeouts and no runs.

Brady Quinn Award/Human Ping Pong Ball Award: Darrell Arthur, ~~Kansas Jayhawks~~ ~~New Orleans Hornets~~ ~~Portland Trail Blazers~~ ~~Houston Rockets~~ Memphis Grizzlies (we think). The poor guy, who has to have the worst agent ever, went to the NBA draft in New York last night and not only was he not a lottery pick, he was taken 27th overall by New Orleans. Then traded to Portland. Then to Houston. Then to Memphis. He apparently has some sort of kidney problem, so that would explain the drop to 27, but the game of hot potato that was played over the next few hours had to be stressful on the guy.

Mid-'80s Rockin' the 'Stache Award: Jason Giambi, New York Yankees. Hey, whatever works, right? Thong, fat chick slumpbuster (definition #3), Miami Vice-mustache; you name it, and Giambi will try it. (Ed. note: Is it just me, or does Giambi look more and more like a speedfreak truck driver as the days go by?)

Random Non-Sports YouTube Video of the Week:

You Want to Know Garbage? Here You Go...

2008-06-26T20:56:00.004-04:00

Jimmy Johns is garbage. Not the tasty-sandwich chain, mind you, but the ex-Alabama football player. Pure, unadulterated garbage.

College scholarship? Check.

Good head coach? Check.

Starting position on defense? Check.

Yeah, I'd probably sell a little cocaine, too. And not just that, I'd sell it in the parking lot of the football complex. What the hell, right? Was he feeling nostalgic and trying to bring back the halcyon days of '80s Miami football? And, yes, I'd be "deeply saddened" about being arrested, too. But, then again, most morons that get arrested for selling drugs are also pretty sad about their situations, as well. In fact, what kind of idiot would be happy about being arrested? (More info on Johns' arrest here and here.)

And if that wasn't enough, Johns was also selling pit bulls on a website that bore his name. Slight problem with that: it's against NCAA rules. At least Johns was diversified, right? Illegal drug sales on one front, pit bull entrepreneur on the other. No wonder he lost playing time under Coach Saban--he was too busy running his businesses.

While the pit bull sales may have been legit under Alabama (although not NCAA) law, each sale of cocaine is a Class B felony and carries with it a 2 to 20 year sentence. The sole possession charge is a Class C felony and carries with it a 1 to 10 year sentence. Luckily for Johns, three of the sales took place before he turned 21, so he could get ~~a do over~~ youthful offender on those. You see, best case for Johns here would be some sort of probation, fine & community service; as a young man with no criminal history, a sympathetic judge who had eaten a tasty breakfast AND gotten laid by two or three high-dollar call girls the night before might have given him such a sentence. But, given the current "war on drugs" (especially against cocaine), most sentences usually include jail time. And not pansy County time, either: real, big-boy State Penitentiary time. Add into that the fact that University of Alabama president Dr. Robert "Nit" Witt will likely be kicking down the doors over at the Tuscaloosa District Attorney's office and you have all the makings of a stiff sentence that will include prison time once all is said and done.

So now Johns will go down in the pantheon of college athletes whose actions destroyed their careers: Lawrence Phillips, Maurice Clarett, and now Johns.

Chacon Pulls a Sprewell

2008-06-26T12:29:00.006-04:00

Houston Astros ~~starter~~ reliever Shawn Chacon decided to deliver a little beatdown to Astros GM Ed Wade on Wednesday. Chacon tells the story like this:

"I sat down to eat and Ed Wade came to me and very sternly said, 'You need to come with me to the office,'" Chacon said. "I said, 'For what?' I said, 'I don't want to go to the office with you and Cooper.' And I said, 'You can tell me whatever you got to tell me right here.' He's like, 'Oh, you want me to tell you right here?' And I said, 'Yeah.' I'm not yelling. I'm calm."

Chacon said things went downhill from there.

"He started yelling and cussing," Chacon said of Wade, according to a story on the Chronicle's Web site. "I'm sitting there and I said to him very calmly, 'Ed, you need to stop yelling at me.' Then I stood up and said, 'You better stop yelling at me.' I stood up. He continued and was basically yelling."

Chacon said that after Wade told him he needed to "look in the mirror," it got worse.

"So at that point I lost my cool and I grabbed him by the neck and threw him to the ground. I jumped on top of him," he said. "Words were exchanged."

Ha. Words were exchanged? How civil of him. "Ah yes," said the British dandy. "We drank some tea and wuhds were exchanged. Yes." Also, "look in the mirror" is usually what sets me off, too. Although, I can definitely think of 100 other things that would set me off more than that. (Like, for example, if you told me that you hoped I would die of Dalrymple's sign, then it would be ON.)

Talk about a bad week. You get what is essentially a demotion, and when your boss's boss comes to talk to you, you grab him by the throat and hurl him to the ground. For those keeping score at home: Chacon is 30 years old and Wade is a spry 52 years young. In case you're wondering, the menace that is Ed Wade is pictured above.

So We've Been a Little Slow Around Here...

2008-06-26T12:23:00.002-04:00

As some of you have noticed, we apparently decided to take the first half of the week off around here. Terribly sorry about that. Unfortunately, since we aren't paid for this, our real jobs often interfere with our ability to wax poetic on the sports stories of the day. It's been a hell of a week to miss, though! Shaq ripping Kobe, that one guy Latrell Sprewell-ing that GM, Fresno State out-Bulldogging Georgia, Tommy John filling in for Golic. Whew. What a week!

As always, when we screw up, our apology post will be accompanied by a chick picture. Now, the first place girl is definitely the clear-cut winner. But, for the second and third place girls, don't you wonder whether or not only three girls entered the contest? Yikes.

Monkey Butlers of the Week

2008-06-20T14:47:00.002-04:00

Going Above the Call of Duty Award: Scott Baker, Minnesota Twins. Baker started the third inning of Sunday's game against the Brewers by striking out Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder, but since Mike Redmond apparently allowed the ball to bounce to Pluto, Fielder was able to waddle his way to first. Baker then settled down, and after warming up again, he struck out Russel Branyon and Mike Cameron to end the inning, thus giving him four strikeouts in one inning.

Speaking of Prince Fielder: Dude apparently owes somewhere in the neighborhood of $400K in back taxes. Shockingly, Fielder's agent, Scott Boras, declined to comment on the matter because he suddenly realized that Fielder was short on money and therefore couldn't afford Boras's $4,537 per minute speaking fee.

Worst Las Vegas Act: Javon Walker, Oakland Raiders. Moments after leaving the Body English nightclub, Walker was found beaten and unconcious on a back alley in Las Vegas. This was, of course, the night after his $15K champagne party at Tryst, another Vegas nightclub. Walker claims to have been abducted at gunpoint from his room at the Bellagio, but no one seems to seriously be buying that as there are bazillions of cameras at casinos and one would presume that armed men "escorting" someone off the property would have been noticed.

Worst Las Vegas Act Not in Las Vegas: Derek Fisher, Los Angeles Lakers. Fisher was noticeably present during the first two games of the NBA Finals in Boston, but then he pulled a David Copperfield and was not seen again the rest of the series. It's possibly that he was abducted, Dr. Who-style in Boston and replaced with an evil doppleganger powered by the blood of Red Auerbach.

The Could Be Good or Could Be Bad Award: Tiger Woods. As you may have already heard by now, Tiger played the U.S. Open this past weekend with a torn ACL and two stress fractures in his tibia. While putting on a gutsy performance through 91 holes of golf over five days, Tiger cemented his position in the pantheon of tough athletic performances. However, only time will tell whether or not his decision to play the Open will affect his ability to play well in the future. Of course, he wasn't in such bad shape that he couldn't shoot a few commercials on Tuesday.

The About Gosh Darn Time Award: Dale Earnhardt, Jr., NASCAR. Junior won his first race of the season on Sunday, the LifeLock 400 in Michigan. It was his first win in 76 races and also his first since joining Hendrick Motorsports. Running on fumes and trying to hold off a challenge from Kasey Kahne, Earnhardt survived the asinine "green-white-checker" three-lap overtime to finish to the race, brought out by a caution on lap 198. Despite not winning this season until Sunday, Earnhardt had six top-five finishes in fourteen races and is third in the overall standings.

The "How Did I Miss This" Award of the Week: Edwin Jarvis. Yep, that's me. Somehow, I completely missed that Dan Patrick and CNN/SI have formed an (un)holy alliance. I'm sure this happened weeks or months ago, and while I usually know about stuff like this, I completely missed it. The site is slick and appears to offer Patrick all of the control over his own material that the evil overlords at ESPN refused to give him. Quick Dan Patrick trivia: Did you know that his last name is really Pugh? True story.

This Week's Non-Sports YouTube Video of the Week: Folks, this is what happens when boys grow up without a father in their lives.

Note to Readers: You Speak, We Listen

2008-06-20T09:07:00.000-04:00

A new feature we're going to feature around here every once in a while will be a post in response to reader feedback. Typically, these responses will be accompanied by a picture of a woman in a bikini to detract from the inadequacy of our response.

Since some of you have accurately pointed out that we failed to mention anything whatsoever about the outcome of the NBA Finals, we decided to mention it today. The Lakers lost the Finals in six. Pau Gasol played like a pregnant yak, Lamar Odom looked terrified of some of the opposing team's players, and the Lakers bench played like they were on a last-place NBDL team. What's more, Kobe Bryant couldn't decide if he was going to be the Black Mamba or "Guy Who Wants the Media to Love Him," so he alternated between short stretches of domination and long stretches of setting up the Laker foreigners for threes and post-ups. Of course, the foreigners mostly played like WWII-era Frenchman, so you obviously know how that went.

Keep those requests coming, and thanks for reading our little corner of the Interweb!

Tiger Woods: Human or Alien?

2008-06-19T10:49:00.003-04:00

We've all had a day to reflect on the news that was released yesterday regarding Tiger Woods and his balky knee and leg. I, like many of you out there, got the sense at times that Tiger was being a bit overdramatic with his wincing at certain points during the U.S. Open. However, he revealed yesterday that not only was he playing with a torn ACL, he also had two stress fractures in his tibia.

I'm no doctor, or orthopedist, and I don't play one on TV, but that sounds damn near impossible. I know you can walk around with a torn ACL, because I've seen it done, but I don't know about walking almost 22 miles in five days on a torn ACL. Plus, with the torque Tiger puts on his left knee and lower leg, those stress fractures probably didn't feel too good on any swing he made.

Tiger made a comment during the tournament (round three, I think) that he had "taken some stuff" to help with the pain in his leg. My experience with awesome pain killers is rather limited, but whenever I've had the joyous opportunity to take some, I usually have problems muttering sentences, let alone playing golf in U.S. Open conditions.

Oh, and then there's what Tiger's swing coach, Hank Haney, had to say yesterday:

According to Haney, doctors told him the stress fractures required three weeks on crutches and another three weeks of rest, which would have meant no Open for Woods.

"But Tiger looked at the guy and said, 'I'm playing in the U.S. Open and I'm going to win,' " Haney said.

Right. My doctor tells me I need three weeks on crutches plus three weeks of rest after that, and my first inclination is not playing golf.

To put this into context, this wasn't the NBA or NFL playoffs; it's still golf, after all. And one thing that about golf is this: it is more mental than physical. Strategy and mindset go a long way in determining how successful one can be. Everyone knows that Tiger is the toughest, mentally, of any golfer on Tour, so it's not all that surprising that he was able to compartmentalize his pain and simply play through it. What's scary for the rest of the players, however, is that Tiger Woods played a U.S. Open setup and won the tournament with an injury that would have caused 99% of the other golfers out there to sit out. That's what's impressive to me.

Bill Simmons: Your Time Has Passed

2008-06-17T15:21:00.008-04:00

That's it. I've had it. I'm officially, for the last time, fed up with Bill Simmons and his sycophantic ramblings that ESPN inexplicably pays him for. I cannot possibly fathom why ESPN would want to pay a columnist that has such a slanted worldview. One must wonder if Simmons is channeling Mike Myers' character in All Things Scottish from SNL and walks around muttering "If it's not Boston, it's crap!" over and over to himself.

The sad thing is that, once upon a time, Simmons was actually funny. Sure, he professed his love for all things Boston, but with me and most every other person I know that read his column, it was endearing. Then, Boston sports got good again. The Patriots. The Red Sox. And now the Celtics. The result? An insufferable human being that is completely incapable in writing anything objective whatsoever about any team that his team is playing. Witness this nugget from his latest musings:

We were sitting behind the Lakers bench for Game 5, so please believe me on this one: In the fourth quarter, with the Celtics shooting on L.A.'s basket, Ronnie [sic] Turiaf was throwing a towel up in the air every time a Celtic was about to release a free throw. Talk about dirty pool. Isn't that a technical?

Uh, excuse me? How about Sam Cassell, in all his warmups glory on the bench, slapping his hands together mere centimeters from Derek Fisher's head as he shot a jumper in Game Four? (I'm pretty sure it was Fisher shooting; it might have been Vujacic.) I think that would qualify as "dirty pool," don't you, Billy? Did you miss that one, Bill? Or are you just a blind idiot that sees what you want to see?

Simmons' protestations that he's "Kobe'd out" are ridiculous. Kobe'd out? How about Celtic'd out? All ESPN has done since Boston got K.G. and Ray Allen is unceremoniously shove the Celtics down every basketball fan's throat. It's Boston this, Boston that, Boston everything. It's one thing for, say, a WTBS to promote the Atlanta Braves; they are a regional station, and back in the day they shoved the Braves down the Southeast's throat because the Braves were the closest MLB team by far. I get that. But ESPN's love for the Celtics is ridiculously overdone.

Also overdone? The hoopla surrounding Pierce's "injured" knee. Right. Sorry, Billie, but Pierce playing on a tweaked knee does not invoke images of Michael Jordan doing anything other than walking to his car. Pierce hasn't done anything in this series or any other to warrant such a comparison, and your homeriffic nature is the only reason you would write such a thing. By the way, you do realize that Kobe is playing with a torn ligament in a finger in his shooting hand, right? Funny how no one mentions that. At all. Pierce goes down like a drunken schoolmarm or Tiger Woods grimaces on the second tee and those guys are "warriors" or "courageous"; Kobe plays with a fucked up finger on his shooting hand and nobody talks about it. Yeah, I'd be Kobe'd out, too. (Also, maybe you can explain why Pierce does his best whiplash imitation any time any player from an opposing team breathes on him. You'd think they were pistol-whipping him or whacking him in the back with a tire iron the way he flails about.)

Here's another completely unbiased take from Simmons:

If someone's a little bigger than him, stays between him and the basket and has the reach to contest his jumper, and if that person is flanked by smart defenders who remain aware of what Kobe is doing at all times, it sure seems Kobe has trouble getting the shots he likes. Not to belabor the point because it's a moot discussion at this point, but MJ didn't have a "kryptonite" flaw. He just didn't. Of everyone from the '90s, John Starks probably defended him the best ... and it's not like Starks was shutting him down or anything. He just made MJ work a little harder for the points he was getting anyway. The point is, Jordan did whatever he wanted during a much more physical era, and when he faced great defensive teams -- like the '89 and '90 Pistons or the '93 Knicks -- nobody ever shackled him or knocked him into a scoring funk. Kobe? He looks a little lost offensively against the Celtics.

First, yes, if someone is longer than Kobe and keeps Kobe in front of him AND "is flanked by smart defenders who remain aware of what Kobe is doing at all times," Kobe MIGHT have trouble scoring. Essentially, Bill, you just described a defense whereby all five defenders guard one guy.

Well no wonder he's having "trouble" scoring. What a classic gem, Simmons! You are truly a basketball genius. By the way, Kobe is struggling to score 26.2 points per game this series.

Second, you point out that Jordan had no "kryptonite flaw." I'm sure that it must have been really nice to play in an era that allowed no zone defenses whatsoever. Sure, hand checking was allowed, but big deal--a player like MJ or Kobe can handle that easily. It's completely different going up against off-the-ball defenders who are playing what would've been "illegal defense" in the '90s. Your crack analysis where you mention that all five Boston defenders pay attention to Kobe? Well, they couldn't clog the lane the way they've done all series if these Finals were being played ten years ago. Just a thought, Bill.

One final point: Simmons blames the Celtics losing game five on fatigue. He mentions that they've played 107 games this year plus preseason plus a side-trip to Italy (the horrors that trip must've done to their bodies is frightening, for sure). You see, that's another thing Simmons does: he glorifies his guys and then makes excuses in case they fail, so he can "I told you so!!!" your face off. Frankly, who cares how many games they have played? They're not old men. They are very rich, well-paid athletes whose job is to play basketball. Being tired is a cop-out and everybody knows it. Using Bill's rationale, his prolific output during the Finals must mean that since he's cranking out columns almost daily, he must be tired, and as such, his columns must suffer as a result.

At any rate, I'm done with Bill Simmons. I'm not going to be able to take any more, especially after Boston closes this thing out tonight.

ESPN: ~~Sports Guy's~~ Boston Guy's World

Oh Yeah--Basketball is Still Going On

2008-06-17T14:47:00.001-04:00

I wrote the Los Angeles Lakers' eulogy last week, but for some reason they wouldn't die Sunday night and now have a game 6 tonight at Boston. I personally think that Boston is going to win by 27 points, but frankly, you never know. It is a possibility that Kendrick Perkins will not play tonight as he attempts to recover from the shoulder injury that kept him out of game 5. In that game on Sunday, Pau Gasol looked less like a pregnant yak and more like an NBA big man, pulling down 13 rebounds to go along with 19 points and six assists. Gasol is a finesse player, and when someone like Perkins bodies him up, Gasol folds like a cheap tent and that's it.

If Perkins is unable to go, the Celtics are still likely to win if Eddie House, et al, keep shooting the ball the way they have been. The Lakers went all out to contain Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce in game five, and as a result the Celtic "nobodies" helped Boston tie the game in the fourth quarter. Looking back, that's really all this series has been: L.A.'s nobodies vs. Boston's nobodies. The superstars are always going to get theirs in some way, shape or form, and at the end of the day it's the players like Sasha Vujajic (20 points in Game 3) and Kendrick Perkins that really end up deciding how these games go. If the Lakers are to complete the historic comeback, they're going to need everything their nobodies can give.

Without the celebs to cheer them on and pull them through, I just don't see it happening.

Hank Steinbrenner: Comedy Gold

2008-06-17T11:02:00.007-04:00

I don't know if we've had a post about newish Yankee boss Hank Steinbrenner, so here you go. I have had more than one fleeting thought that I wish that Hank stays healthy and strong for decades to come because, frankly, he puts out some of the most entertaining quotes almost daily. And I mean comically entertaining, not batshit crazy Ozzie Guillen entertaining.

Here's his take on the aftermath of Yankees ace Chien-Ming Wang's freak running-the-basepaths injury:

“My only message is simple,” Steinbrenner said in Tampa, Fla. “The National League needs to join the 21st century. They need to grow up and join the 21st century.”

Steinbrenner said he was angry and added: “I’ve got my pitchers running the bases, and one of them gets hurt. He’s going to be out. I don’t like that, and it’s about time they address it. That was a rule from the 1800s.”

Right. Major League Baseball players are athletes, correct? Hanky wants us to believe that Wang is incapable of running 180 feet without getting injured.

To quote Steve Czaban: Whaaaaaaaa?

You see, it's not the manager's fault that you're 5.5 games out of first; it's not the players' fault, either. It's not even the general manager's fault. No, it's the National League's fault. Stupid non-designated hitter league! Morons! (Ed. note: The DH wasn't born until 1973, when the American League voted it into existence.)

Steinbrenner went on to say that "[p]itchers have enough to do without having to do that.” That's like saying that you have a hard time walking and chewing gum at the same time, so instead you have to have a designated gum chewer.

Thanks, Hanky. Please keep the quips, anecdotes and grumbled sentences coming for years to come! I can't wait to who you'll blame when one of your players gets injured sliding into second base--the antiquated base designs, perhaps? The archaic sliding rules?

Newsday: Hank: NL is to Blame

So Who's Running the Mets Now? Isaiah?

2008-06-17T09:09:00.005-04:00

In a move that was most likely met with head-nodding approval from the New York Knicks for both its timing and method, Willie Randolph was fired ~~last night~~ this morning as manager of the New York Mets. The decision came after the Mets had flown cross-country to play the Los Angeles California Raisin Angels of Anaheim presented by Disney on ESPN; what's more, the Mets won the game. Much has been made about the way the Mets organization has allowed Randolph to twist in the wind these last few weeks, and more than a few hints have been dropped regarding Randolph's status as the Mets manager. Meetings have been held, ultimatums issued, etc. However, I doubt that anyone saw it happening this way:

After weeks of speculation that his job was in jeopardy, Willie Randolph finally got fired by the New York Mets while most fans were sleeping.

Randolph was let go in the middle of the night Tuesday, 2 1/2 months into a disappointing season that has followed the team's colossal collapse last September.

When you've openly professed your opinion that your manager should be let go, don't you owe it to him to at least do it in a manner that is a bit more professional than issuing a press release at 3:11 a.m. in the morning? Doesn't it make more sense to fire him before your team gets on a plane, flies 3000 miles to California and plays a game? The Mets, for whatever reason, felt like they had to backdoor Randolph's firing, which makes no sense. They could have fired him after last year's epic collapse, or earlier this year when it was obvious the team was failing to meet expectations. Instead, they dangled the blade of the guillotine above Randolph's head, toying with him until they just couldn't stand it anymore.

A U.S. Open for the Ages

2008-06-16T16:28:00.002-04:00

Whew. What a day. A bonus four-and-a-half hours of golf today just ended, and shockingly it was anticlimatic at best. After having played eighteen playoff holes even, Tiger Woods and Rocco Mediate headed to the 91st hole, #7, for a sudden death playoff. Tiger went from tee to fairway to green and two-putted for par. Rocco went from tee to bunker to grandstand to green to missed long par putt, and as a result Tiger Woods is your winner. Considering the way these two traded jabs today I expected Tiger to nail his long birdie putt for the win or for Rocco to roll in his ridiculously long par putt, but neither happened, and all of the media folks who were complaining this morning about having to stay another day can finally go home.

I'm worn out. Luckily, I have two screens at work, so I was able to work on one and watch on the other. Of course, as the day wore on, IBM's servers started to slowly melt, and the video and audio quality went into the tank, but I was at least able to make out most of the final hole.

My hat's off to Rocco Mediate, for hanging in there despite his "158th ranked player in the world" status (he's up to something like 47th now), and to Tiger Woods as well. Not so much for him playing on the "balky" knee, because frankly, none of us know how much it hurt or how much it really affected him; only he knows. I'm more in awe at the fact that he was absent from competitive golf for the better part of two months and hadn't even walked eighteen holes during that span prior to last Thursday. That's impressive.

Finally, a Monday Sports Day

2008-06-16T09:09:00.003-04:00

Mondays have long been a walking anomaly in the sports world. Sure, you have always had Monday Night Football, but that's only for half the year, and even at that the teams you get usually suck. Honestly, does anyone care about the Jets against the Dolphins in Week 4? Not hardly.

And, just like every other day of the week, when the respective other professional sports are in season, you'll get regular season games on a Monday. But, you don't get that "appointment television" kind of feel like you do, say, about college football on Thursday nights or Saturdays or the NFL on Sunday.

Well, today is your lucky day as the U.S. Open will be having an 18-hole playoff between the supposedly gimpy Tiger Woods and the everyman, "I wear a peace sign as a belt buckle" Rocco Mediate. It kicks off at noon eastern and, luckily for most of the people that can afford to play golf and enjoy watching it, it will be shown live at the U.S. Open's website.

Yesterday's final round was an interesting one to watch. Rocco could not have been in a more perfect position to "steal" a major from Tiger. First, he was playing ahead of Tiger so he didn't have to deal with the immense gallery that was following Tiger & Lee Westwood. Second, he had the benefit of not really being pushed all that much by Tiger as Tiger completely blew up on the first two holes to go from 3-under to even barely after his final round started. Heck, even Lee Westwood matched Tiger shot for shot, which sounds like a good thing until you realize that many of those shots were into bunkers and the wilderness.

Whether it was the knee or the course, you got the sense that it just wasn't Tiger's day. That is, of course, until Mediate became incapable of knocking in any sort of birdie putt whatsoever down the stretch. That failure left the door open for both Woods and Westwood, but it was Tiger that was able to capitalize, even after hitting a drive into a sand trap and then from the sand trap to the rough. He left himself an 18-footer and he rolled it in, so here we are. Tiger's knee seemed to bother him early on, but I noticed that down the stretch he hardly grimaced or acted like anything was wrong. After the round, he told reporters that he had taken "some stuff" to help dull the pain, so presumably Tiger was playing the back nine of a major under the influence of Percoset, right? Whether the knee plays a part in today's playoff remains to be seen.

I hope that today's action is a good one. Frankly, I could see Rocco completely disintegrate in the first six holes, resulting in a laugher. Although, with his laid-back personality and happy-go-lucky mentality, he may be able to avoid the pressure and simply swing loose. Anyone that wears a peace symbol for a belt buckle has to be the epitome of laid-back grooviness, right? If that's the case, we might actually see a time where the person who feels the most pressure is not Tiger's playing partner, but Tiger himself.

But I doubt it.

Monkey Butlers of the (Last Two) Week(s)

2008-06-13T14:58:00.005-04:00

Award for Getting the Most Out of a Sac Fly: Joe Mauer, Minnesota Twins. In a game against the Orioles on June 4, Mauer drove in not one, but two runs with one sacrifice fly. He hit a ball to deep center field and as the fielder went to throw the ball back into the infield, he slipped; as a result, Carlos Gomez, who had been on second, just kept on running and scored, giving Mauer two RBIs with one sac fly.

Best Example of a Colossal Waste of Money: Cedric Benson, ~~Chicago Bears~~. Benson was dismissed from the team this week after his second alcohol-related arrest. His numbers with the Bears work out to something like this: $40K per carry, $10K per yard, and $1.7M per touchdown.

Worst Drunk-Driving Episode by a Non-Athlete: Juan Campos, idiot. Campos was so drunk that he was somehow able to completely not see the two dozen or so bicyclists that he plowed into with his car. The riders were part of a race just over the U.S. border in Mexico. Ouch.

Worst Drunk-Driving Episode by a Former Athlete: Kenny Stabler. Stabler, 62, was pulled over in the wee hours of the morning last Sunday in Robertsdale, AL, not far from Alabama's beautiful, sparkling Gulf Coast. As a result of the traffic stop, he was charged with DUI. He's had two prior DUI arrests, one in 1995 and the other in 2001, so if you think about it, he was a bit overdue for another one.

Best Dance-off: Words cannot even describe.

Busch Stadium Fan Battle - video powered by Metacafe

Most Epic, Mind-Blowing and Indefensible Collapse of the Past Two Weeks: Big Brown, horse. Big Brown failed in his bid to complete a long anticipated run to the Triple Crown by finishing last in the Belmont Stakes. The reason for his poor showing has yet to be determined, but my money is on the lack of steroids. Just a hunch. (What, you expected the Lakers to be here?)

Most Crushing Injury of the Past Two Weeks: Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals, and Alfonso Soriano, Chicago Cubs, (tie). Pujols went down with a strained calf in Tuesday night's 7-2 win over the Cincinnati Reds and is expected to miss three weeks. Soriano fell victim to the inevitable curse of the Cubs and broke a bone in his hand after being hit with a pitch during Wednesday's 7-2 win over the Atlanta Braves. He's expected to miss six weeks. Anyone else find it eerie that both Pujols and Soriano were injured in games their respective teams won by scores of 7-2? No? It is Friday the 13th, you know.

Best Rejuvenation of Former NBA Players: Terry Porter, Michael Curry & Vinny Del Negro. This week, Porter was hired as head coach of the Phoenix Suns, Curry was introduced as the Detroit Pistons' new coach, and Del Negro was hired as the new head coach of the Chicago Bulls. Never has so much former averageness been rewarded so richly in such a short period of time. No word on whether Del Negro still sports his perfectly-coiffed, '80s hairdo as no recent pictures of him exist.

Most Supernatural Healing Powers of the Week Award: The Boston Celtics Medical Staff. After miraculously healing Paul Pierce's injured knee during last week's Game One, Kendrick Perkins' ankle before Game Two, and Rajon Rondo's ankle before Game Four, the Celtics Medical Staff have proven they possess supernatural powers that must be shared with the rest of the world. Perhaps they could turn their incredible powers on cancer, or perhaps Hobson's heart, which is possibly irreparable after last night's Lakers' collapse. Who knows what good they could do for society? Good thing for us they don't live in Africa or they would have already been burned alive for being witches. I suspect, however, that the Boston trainers were more likely engaging in the same activities as Mr. Miyagi is pictured doing here and not curing "injuries."

Worst. Television. Announcer. Ever.: Chris Berman, ESPN. There can be no doubt to this one. Scientists have tried, and failed, to calculate which level of Hell Berman's suckdom has sunk to; even though they may be able to theorize how many levels of Hell exist, they cannot accurately predict where Berman's suckdom would plunge to because of the forces his suckdom exert on Hell itself. In other words, as his suckdom plunges further and further into Hell, more levels of Hell are apparently created. As such, Berman's performance on television can only be described as sucking so bad as to be immeasurable.

Random YouTube Video of the Week:

R.I.P. Lakers

2008-06-13T10:46:00.004-04:00

It was an enjoyable ride. The Lakers exceeded expectations and played themselves into the first seed in what was universally thought as the best conference in basketball. They rolled through the playoffs and took on the ESPN media darlings in the Boston Celtics. Everyone expected an epic series.

Instead, Boston leads 3-1.

Sure, it ain't over til it's over, and everyone has a chance until they're eliminated, but this isn't hockey, folks. There are no rabbits in the hat that can be pulled out Copperfield-style; this series is over. The only suspense is whether or not Boston will be celebrating in L.A. or at home.

How do you explain blowing a 24 point lead? How do you explain being up by 21 points at the end of the first quarter, a Finals record, and then going on to lose? Simple, really: the Lakers quit playing about halfway through the third quarter. Boston kept going because, you know, you get paid to play 48 minutes so you play 48 minutes. The Lakers eased up, Boston made a run, and then L.A. got tight. The last half of the fourth quarter was absolutely excruciating to watch if you were a Lakers fan: every player on the court was simply terrified to shoot or do anything with the ball, Kobe Bryant included. One trip down the floor, Kobe dribbled for a few seconds and then threw the ball to Sasha Vujacic. Kobe then stood alone at half court until someone threw up an off-balance shot as the shot clock wound down.

WTF?

After the game, Kobe said that the Lakers wet the bed. Hmm. Now, I am a big Lakers fan. There is no doubt. But one way to look at it is this: Kobe shot 4 times in the first half and the Lakers led by 18; all the other Lakers were involved, everyone was playing within the flow of the game, and all were getting open looks. In the second half, Kobe shot 15 times. The rest of the Lakers seized up, and look what happened.

I'm not saying that Kobe doesn't need the ball in his hands at the end of a tight game; there is no doubt that he's a hell of a closer in those situations. But last night you almost got the feel that Kobe decided "Well, this one's over; now I got to get mine." And in the process of getting his, he disrupted what up until then had been a fantastic basketball game.

Kobe doesn't really deserve all of the blame, of course; the rest of the Lakers became automatronic robots that couldn't move, dribble or shoot, so frankly it didn't matter if Kobe had been facilitating the offense or not.

All I can take out of this is that hopefully this will be a tremendous learning experience for the younger players on the Lakers. As I've said to friends before, my fear for this team was that it had no heart. You punch the Lakers in the gut, and oftentimes they don't punch you back; rather, they just roll over and take it. And that's exactly what happened last night in the second half.

The only silver lining I can take away from last night is that, as always, there is next year. I hope that the Lakers discover a bit of heart and moxie in the off season and make sure that a collapse like the one that happened last night never happens again.

On the Death of the Generational Athlete

2008-06-12T10:25:00.007-04:00

The U.S. Open is once again upon us and, as usual, the love & adoration party for Tiger Woods is in full swing. That bothers me not because I don't like Tiger Woods; rather, I do like Tiger Woods and want him to do well. Not "do well" in a "hey, he's a cool guy and would be awesome to grab a beer with" kind of way, but more in a "once in a generation player who can break records and I get to see it" kind of way. My dad's generation had Arnold & Jack, and now I've got Tiger. Since I hated Michael Jordan, I pretty much missed the awe and adoration boat with him, but with Tiger I want to see him break Jack's records. I want him to win twenty or thirty majors. I want him to win every time he tees it up because, frankly, and I know this is cliche, but I don't think anyone will ever come along ever again that can do what Tiger has done and will do in the future.

As I got to thinking about what Tiger has accomplished, I began to think that it's essentially impossible for another athlete in the Tiger or Jordan mold to come along again. We live in a world that is afflicted with ADD; we are a satisfy-me-now world that wants everything to have been done yesterday. There just are too many outlets that can distract us from our daily activities; if you are over 30, imagine your life at 15 years old if you had a PS3, Xbox 360, Wii, the Internet, and 500 cable channels to watch. How concerned would you be on working on your fielding? Or taking batting practice? Would you even care about an offseason workout program? You might, but you wouldn't be as focused on those activities as you would on MLB: The Show or NCAA '08.

Tiger Woods is a member of a soon-to-be extinct breed that focuses on one thing: being the best at their craft. Kobe Bryant does it in the NBA. Peyton Manning does it in the NFL. All three share something in common: fathers that guided them into a game they either played and/or loved. Kobe's dad is a former NBA-er. Archie Manning built his own legacy in the NFL. And Tiger's dad, well, he was teaching his son about golf before he could walk. All three of those guys are now around the age of 30; Kobe is 29, while Peyton and Tiger are both 32. The only video games these guys knew about growing up were either the old NES or the local arcade. There was no internet, and if you had cable, 50 channels was awesome. Kids played outside more. They enjoyed the physical competition of sports more. Nowadays, I don't think that they do. Kids can play their home-based video games or take their gaming on the road with them via a Gameboy or PSP. They can watch one of dozens of channels programmed just for them. I fear that the simple joy of a backyard football game will be lost on thousands of today's kids because of the multitude of outlets available to occupy their time.

Take, for example, LeBron James. The man has serious basketball skills; there is no doubt about that fact. But, while watching him play, I often get the feeling that his mind is elsewhere, that subconsciously he is thinking about his next big commercial shoot or television appearance. LeBron James may one day be the classic example of an incredibly gifted athlete that didn't accomplish what he could have. That, in and of itself, may suit him and everyone else just fine, me included. However, imagine if LeBron had Kobe or Tiger's drive and will to win? I don't think he does, although it may not have manifested itself just yet. Time will tell.

But, there is hope, I think. The common denominator among Kobe, Tiger & Peyton is this: their fathers. As a new dad myself, I think about what effect I can have on my son's life. I hope that I can guide him away from the indoor activities that seem to plague so many of today's youth and at least get him interested in baseball, football, or my first love, basketball. I don't think that the kids today lack the competitive drive to be elite-level athletes; I just think that they don't care as much about it because there are so many other tugs at their time. There are other things to satisfy that competitive drive, and they often involve a video game controller.

So, enjoy those elite athletes that are simply obsessed with being the absolute best at their craft while you can. Kobe, Tiger & Peyton won't be around forever. When they retire, we may find ourselves with plenty of capable athletes that just don't care as much about what they do. Which may mean, of course, that instead of being glued to the television for the U.S. Open, I may just be playing my PS3.

Breaking News: Pau Gasol scratched from the playoffs!

2008-06-11T16:34:00.005-04:00

Pau Gasol out for remainder of playoffs!!!

In shocking news, the Los Angeles Lakers have announced that Pau Gasol has been removed from the playoff roster for a medical condition.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, Dr. Rashed Ali from UCLA Medical Center said Gasol is suffering from candidiasis and severe fatigue, constipation and has been ill over the past few mornings.

Lakers coach Phil Jackson declined comment, but longtime fan Manuel Hernandez speculated that the symptoms were due to the severe owning Gasol has take from the Celtics frontcourt over the past week:

More information will be available as soon as the anonymous doctors call us back.

In possibly unrelated news, Kevin Garnett, Leon Powe and five other members of the Boston Celtics have been scheduled to appear on The Maury Povich Show to combat upcoming paternity tests.

The Tim Donaghy Mess

2008-06-11T13:03:00.005-04:00

If you don't listen to sports talk radio, or you don't care to peruse the blogosphere on an hourly basis, then perhaps you haven't heard about the latest "bombshell" from Tim Donaghy. In public court papers filed Tuesday by his attorney John F. Lauro (and I prefer to believe that the F stands for fuckin'), Donaghy claims that other NBA officials conspired to affect the outcome of two playoff games, one in 2002 and the other in 2005. Based upon the details given in the filings (which don't include team names), it has been widely reported that the 2002 series mentioned refers to the Western Conference finals that year between the Sacramento Kings and the Los Angeles Lakers and, more specifically, game six of that series. The other was the 2005 series between the Dallas Mavericks and the Houston Rockets.

Where's the proof? Where's the evidence that this is anything but a criminal who is now carrying on a personal grudge match with the NBA? Articles across the globe describe Donaghy's allegations similar to the following:

Donaghy also told the FBI that a couple of referees appeared to cook up foul calls in a 2002 NBA playoff game in order to have the series go a seventh game. The only seven-game series in the entire 2002 playoffs was between the Lakers and Kings in the Western Conference finals. The Lakers won Games 6 and 7 to advance to the NBA Finals.

Huh? They "appeared" to screw Sacramento in order to benefit the NBA, because they were "company men" who seemingly decided on their own that the NBA would benefit from a seven-game series?

Lakers coach Phil Jackson was asked about Donaghy's allegations before last night's game three, and he had an interesting response:

"The allegation was that they were extending the series?" said Lakers coach Phil Jackson, answering questions about Donaghy less than two hours before the biggest night of his season. "Was that after the fifth game, after we had the game stolen away from us after a bad call out of bounds and gave the ball back to Sacramento and they made a three-point shot? There's a lot of things going on in these games and they're suspicious, but I don't want to throw it back to there."

Sorry, folks, but I'm calling bullshit on this one. From what I heard on the radio this morning, you would have thought Donaghy had laid out in specific detail exactly which officials were the conspirators, who at the league office told them to fix the game, and exactly how they did it. Instead, we're left with Donaghy's opinion on what happened. Nothing more, nothing less. But, thanks to dandy fops like Mike Greenberg on ESPN's Mike & Mike show, this is being blown completely out of proportion. Greenberg took the time to read the entire complaint letter sent to David Stern by none other than Ralph Nader. Yeah, Nader is exactly who I want to get my basketball knowledge from. Talking heads like Greenburg need to take a long, deep breath, realize the insanity of the situation, and just move on to something else.

Another article quoted the letter as saying "league officials would inform referees that opposing players were getting away with violations," and so then the refs would call the violations on those players. OH NO! That means that the refs were told they had made mistakes and then they rectified them?? Oh, the humanity! They called fouls that were supposed to be fouls? Get 60 Minutes on the phone and tell them we've got a hot one, folks. I can see the headline now: "Sun Rises in East; America Stunned."

Don't believe me, eh? Let's take a look at game six from the 2002 Western Conference finals, shall we? L.A. shot 21-of-27 in that fourth quarter to only 7-of-9 for the Kings. Six of L.A.'s free throws, however, came in the last twenty seconds as Sacramento looked to extend the game by fouling. L.A. was five-of-six in that stretch, so take those free throws out of the equation and you have L.A. going 16-of-21 in the quarter. So, instead of an 18 shot disparity, it's down to 12.

Now, of the remaining free throws shot by L.A., Shaquille O'Neal shot ten of them. The Lakers were focusing on pouring the ball into Shaq almost every time down the court in that fourth quarter, and as a result, Shaq was very active and was able to get to the line. He went 6-of-10 from the line. Plus, Lawrence Funderburke was guarding Shaq for a large portion of the fourth quarter and picked up several fouls; he's not exactly the defensive stalwart, you know? And, don't forget about all the talk back then about how hard it was to officiate the games Shaq played in; from game to game, it seemed to change what was and wasn't a foul just due to O'Neal's sheer size. Add into that Vlade Divac's hall of fame flopping status (video here) and those ten free throws by Shaq look downright normal.

That leaves 11 free throws remaining. Kobe Bryant took three of them, Robert Horry and Devean George each took two apiece and Rick Fox took four. Two of Fox's free throws came after he was fouled making a defensive rebound, and frankly, the nine free throws remaining don't amount to a grand conspiracy to fix a game. The Lakers worked the ball into Shaq early in the quarter and, when he was fouled, those fouls ultimately added up and put Sacramento in the penalty. So, from there on out, any fouls they committed (save offensive) put the Lakers at the line. It didn't work out for them like it didn't work out for many teams in that '00-'02 run for the Lakers: Sacramento simply had no answer for Shaq.

Also, if this was really some sort of conspiracy, why in the world would the refs call a shooting foul on superstar Shaq for fouling Lawrence Freakin' Funderburke with 2:06 left in the game and L.A. only up by one? Or on Derek Fisher with 1:27 to go and the Lakers up three? Or, for pete's sake, Rick Fox with twenty seconds left and L.A. up by three?

There was no conspiracy. I just don't believe it. Tim Donagahy is a criminal. And not just a criminal; he's a degenerate gambler, and frankly, that to me says plenty about his character and his honesty. Gamblers who get in over their head and start perverting the rules and regulations of their jobs to satisfy their gambling debts are garbage and would probably sell their own mother to get out of trouble. This whole sentiment that "oh, he could get in MORE trouble if he doesn't tell the truth" crap is ridiculous. The ONLY reason this has come to light is because the NBA attempted to collect $1M from Donaghy (in a private court filing) to pay for the investigation it had to do into Donaghy. Donaghy's attorney got mad and used the legal system to try to settle a grudge. Donaghy has already told investigators his allegations and they've ostensibly been looked in to. We would have never heard about it had Donaghy's (or his attorney's) pride and arrogance not gotten in the way.

Mr. Donaghy, should you read this, please just do us all a favor and accept your punishment like a man and leave us be.

Chicago Tribune: Ex-ref Tim Donaghy Details NBA Improprieties
ABC News: Shamed Ref: NBA Playoffs Were Rigged

WATN? - Pascual "I-285" Perez

2008-06-11T11:01:00.001-04:00

To be honest, I have no idea why this fool popped in my head this week. Maybe it's because I've had a lot of time with no TV while I have been moving? Maybe it's because I'm just about fed up with basketball? Or maybe it's because I was sitting in Atlanta traffic the other day and that always makes me think of one, infamous athlete...

Pascual "I-285" Perez!

My first MLB experiences were the early 80s Braves teams with Dale Murphy, Bob Horner, Brett Butler, etc. But when it came to pure comedy, it was usually Pascual.

Whether it was him peeking between his legs to check runners on first, 'finger shooting' batters or his trademark sprint to the dugout...he was always good for a laugh. Nevermind the fact that he missed a scheduled start because he was circling Atlanta and couldn't find the stadium, hence the nickname.

I'm pretty sure ol Pascual is either dead, incarcerated...or possibly an international drug kingpin by now. No matter what, he was funny as hell to watch and the most entertaining part of some truly terrible Braves baseball.

So, wherever you are Pascual...please do not get in touch. I don't want to be an accessory to whatever it is you have gotten in to since you left baseball. I have a feeling there are felony charges associated.

Was it Over When the Germans Bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell No!

2008-06-11T09:29:00.006-04:00

The Lakers took a stand against the overwhelming media crush on the Boston Celtics and pulled out a crucial game three victory last night, 88-81. Kobe Bryant scored 36 and ~~Lamar Odom~~ ~~Pau Gasol~~ Sasha Vujacic poured in 20 off the bench.

As expected, the Lakers shot more free throws than the Celtics. For the game, L.A. was 21-of-34 from the line, while Boston was 15-of-22. Apparently, the Staples Center has some sort of transdimensional warping effect on free throw shooting. At any rate, the conspiracy theorists, when they're not busy slobbering all over the latest Tim Donaghy allegations, will insist that game three was officiated differently than the first two games of the series. I disagree, and here's why: the Lakers, and Kobe Bryant in particular, were MUCH more aggressive in driving to the basket last night. As a result, they were able to get in the lane and as such initiate contact and draw fouls. It's exactly what Rajon Rondo was able to facilitate in games one and two for Boston.

After the game, Kobe Bryant was asked whether or not he had a response for all of the "talk radio" people that had essentially declared the Lakers dead after losing the first two games of the series:

"It wouldn't be talk radio. It wouldn't be talk radio, you know, if everybody was just so optimistic and positive. That's not fun. You've got to have hosts that are just going to throw shit to the window, you know? If you don't have that then nobody's going to listen to it. So, amen to them. It's entertaining."

Now the series shifts to a crucial, crucial game four. This is obviously another must-win for the Lakers, and I imagine the Celtics view it as a must-win almost as much as L.A. does. However, if Paul Pierce shows up and shoots 2-of-14 again, we'll be tied up going into game five on Sunday.

Lakers Are Essentially "Confused"

2008-06-10T13:19:00.004-04:00

I guess Phil Jackson said it best, although he was only referring to Lamar Odom. The word he used? Confused. That pretty much sums it up for me.

The Lakers this Finals have looked confused. Kobe Bryant has uncharacteristically missed shots, and while I realize that on some of those misses he had a "hand in his face," he still usually makes most of those. The Lakers and everyone else have also looked confused at the widening gap in the foul disparity between Boston and L.A. I've been watching basketball for 20+ years, and in my experience, the team that is more physical typically gets called for more fouls. But, since we have somehow dimension-shifted into Bizarro World, that's not the case in these Finals.

The Lakers bench looks confused. Guys aren't rotating well off of screens. They're loafing on defense. And, for the love of God and all that is holy and righteous in this world, can I get ONE damned Laker to dive on the floor for a loose ball? Just one?

Tonight's game three is definitely a must-win for the Lakers. No ifs, ands or buts. I'm anticipating a bit more parity in the foul-calling department, I expect the Lakers bench to clear the cobwebs from their dusty brains, and I expect Kobe to play better. He has to.

This Weekend's TV Battle

2008-06-06T16:20:00.004-04:00

So it's been pretty busy in the Monkey Butler world today, and as such, there will be no Monkey Butlers of the Week column. Instead, next week, we'll bring you the Monkey Butlers of the Past Two Weeks column! Sad, I know, but it's the best we can do.

This is a pretty full sports weekend, especially if you're into Euro 2008. Don't know what Euro 2008 is? Don't worry...plenty of other Americans have no idea either. It's a "soccer tournament" between the "countries" of "Europe." It will be playing all weekend.

The big sports news of the weekend comes from the Belmont Stakes, where Big Brown and horse racing's largest ego, Rick Dutrow, attempt to give the world horse racing's first Triple Crown in thirty years. Considering Big Brown has been fed a steady diet of steroids his whole life, and his supposed top competition, Casino Drive, has some sort of hoof problem, I would think it would be a massive upset should Big Brown not win. We'll see.

Oh, and there's another NBA Finals game on Sunday night. We'll see which Celtic decides to imitate Willis Reed this time.

In the whole world of sports this weekend, you've got...

Friday
College Baseball: Arizona at Miami, NCAA Super Regional, ESPN, 7
MMA: WEC, Faber vs. Pulver, et al, Spike, 7
NASCAR: Craftsman Truck Series in Fort Worth, Speed, 9
College Baseball: Stanford at Cal State Fullerton, NCAA Super Regional, Deuce, 10:30

Saturday
Soccer: Euro 2008, Switzerland vs. Czech Republic, Classic, 11:30am
College Baseball: N.C. State at Georgia, NCAA Super Regional, Deuce, Noon
Soccer: Euro 2008, Portugal vs. Turkey, Classic, 2:30
PGA: St. Jude Championship, CBS, 3
MLB: At least two teams playing each other, Fox, 3:30
Horse Racing: Belmont Stakes, ABC, 5:30
College Baseball: Arizona at Miami, NCAA Super Regional, ESPN, 7:30
NASCAR: Nationwide Series in Nashville, Deuce, 7:30

Sunday
Tennis: French Open, Men's Final, 9 am
Soccer: Euro 2008, Austria vs. Croatia, Deuce, 11:50am
Formula One: Canadian Grand Prix, Fox, 1
College Baseball: Coastal Carolina vs. North Carolina, NCAA Super Regional, ESPN, 1
NASCAR: Pocono 500, TNT, 2
Soccer: Euro 2008, Germany vs. Poland, Deuce, 2:30
College Baseball: UC Irvine vs. LSU, NCAA Super Regional, ESPN, 4
College Baseball: Texas A&M vs. Rice, NCAA Super Regional, Deuce, 7
Soccer: U.S. vs. Argentina, Classic, 7:30
NBA Finals: Game 2, Los Angeles at Boston, ABC, 9
MLB: Cubs at Dodgers, ESPN, 9

Boston Takes Game One: Pierce Proves to be a Faker

2008-06-06T09:46:00.003-04:00

Boston took down Los Angeles last night, 98-88, in Game One of the NBA Finals. I could sit here and try to blame Paul Pierce the Pansy's acting job for the loss, but that's not what cost the Lakers the game. (Henceforth, Paul Pierce will be known as PPP, or 3P, for Paul Pierce the Pansy.)

Here's what cost L.A. the game:

Rebounds: Boston 46, L.A. 33
Kobe: Shot 9-of-26 from the field
Lakers: Shot 5-of-20 in the fourth quarter.

That's it. The fact that the Lakers were only down four with less than half a quarter to play is rather stunning given the above numbers. Sure, the Lakers could have demonstrated some sort of killer instinct and gone on a run when 3P got "hurt," but they fumbled that opportunity away and overall just looked nervous and jittery. They played well early but seemed to coast a bit in the second half and it cost them. I expect that they will play much better on Sunday.

The game turned out almost exactly like Hobson and I thought it would. Now it's up to the Lakers to settle down and take Game Two before they head back to L.A.

Tonight's TV Battle

2008-06-05T16:00:00.000-04:00

There's only one thing to watch tonight, and that's the NBA Finals (ABC, 8:30). The game tips at 9.

If you are a communist and hate the beauty of the game of basketball, I guess you could tune into So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 8), or Last Comic Standing (NBC, 8).

In the world of other "sports" tonight, you've got...

MLS: Chivas USA at New York, Deuce, 7:30
MLL Lacrosse: Philadelphia at Long Island, Deuce, 9:30

(All times Eastern)

The Finals, They Are Upon Us

2008-06-05T13:07:00.001-04:00

The day is finally here. Mere hours from now the bastion of all that is good and hopeful in the world, the Los Angeles Lakers, will take on the power of the dark side in the Boston Celtics. Of course I am kidding--the Lakers don't represent everything that is good in the world. For example, they aren't a manifestation of butterflies or rainbows. But they are still a beacon of good in a world filled with Celtic darkness. I mean, let's face it: the Celts were a weird society whose male members preferred sleeping with each other over their beautiful females. The Lakers represent lakes, and everyone loves going to the lake. There's fishing, swimming, jet skiing, you name it. Not to mention the beer.

So which is it, America? Do you prefer fun lake parties or dandies throwing themselves at you? I think that the answer is clear.

We here at Buzz's Monkey Butler offer up our official NBA Finals predictions, and the result of my informal poll of the newsroom is unanimous:

Edwin Jarvis: Lakers in six.
Hobson: Lakers in seven.
Cadbury: Lakers in five.
Alice Duckworth: Lakers in six.

Should the Lakers win, it will be proof positive that Buzz's Monkey Butler is a prognosticator unlike any the world has ever seen. It will also prove, once and for all, that lakes are more awesome than dandy fops.

Your U.S. Open Odds and Ends

2008-06-05T10:05:00.007-04:00

The PGA's second major of the year is a scant week away, and since I've got nothing else on my mind except NBA basketball, I figured I'd do a post on golf.

The PGA has decided to specially group the top 12 players in the world for the first two rounds, so the TV folks over at ESPN are high-fiving and smacking each other on the butt right now as Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson will be paired together (along with world #3 Adam Scott) next Thursday and Friday. The tension is palpable: Will Tiger & Phil talk? Will they look at each other? Will Phil club Tiger in the knee? Who is Adam Scott? My prediction is that they both end up shooting 77 both days and barely make the cut.

Another story that's been floating around is the celebrity round Golf Digest is putting on tomorrow. It features Matt Lauer, Justin Timberlake and Tony Romo playing with an amateur, John Atkinson. For those of you that haven't heard, Atkinson is battling lung cancer and was the runaway winner in Golf Digest's online vote that determined who got to play with the three celebs.

The whole premise is to see if "normal" golfers could break 100 on Torrey Pines when it is set up for the U.S. Open. Last year, Tiger stated that a 10-handicapper wouldn't have broken 100 at Oakmont under Open conditions. Romo, for his part, is pretty confident, claiming that if the wind is down, he could break 80. Since he's probably the best golfer of the foursome, and has attempted to qualify for the Open before, I don't think it's outside the bounds of reality that he could break 100. But 80? I don't think so.

Timberlake seems to have the attitude that I would have were I playing, saying, "I'll be there for comic relief. I just hope Jessica Simpson doesn't show up so Tony does well."

Actually, I kind of hope she does.

Golf Digest: U.S. Open Celebs

Tonight's TV Battle

2008-06-04T16:37:00.002-04:00

Every so often, each generation that has walked this planet we call Earth has experienced a moment so unique, so profound, that it simply changes the course of human history. The invention of the wheel; ancient Russians meandering along a land bridge to North America; Christopher Columbus running into the Americas; some unknown master's creation of armless porn; Michaelangelo's creation of gay porn; and the discovery that hot pockets can be both lava hot and completely frozen, all at the same time. All of these moments in history so changed the course of human events that our society was forever and unalterably changed. Tonight, we witness another watershed moment in human history:

She's Got The Look (TVLand, 10 & 11).

That's right, folks: you can now return to MILF Island without ever having fully been there in the first place. Finally, a show that focuses on the often-ignored Cougar segment of society, a show that will once-and-for-all show us shallow, limited males that there can be beauty found in women in their 40s even though ugly still persists. Can world peace and a cure for all diseases be that far behind? I submit that they cannot!

Plus, desperate can sometimes be hot, right? Judging by the insanity at these message boards, I'm thinking that desperate still just equals mostly crazy.

In the world of sports (as if you won't be watching MILF Island), you've got...

MLB: ~~Devil~~ Rays at Red Sox, ESPN, 7
NHL: Stanley Cup Finals, Detroit at Pittsburgh, Game 6, NBC, 8
NBA: Classic NBA Finals Doubleheader: 1985 Game 6 and 1987 Game 4, Lakers vs. Celtics, Classic, 8 & 10

Dream Finals Preview

2008-06-04T13:59:00.002-04:00

That laughing and jumping for joy you heard Friday night (and continue to hear) is David Stern and the brass over at ABC celebrating the Celtics victory and the realization that a Lakers vs. Celtics final is actually here. And I’m not judging them, because I’ve wanted this so bad it hurts. You know that banner across the scorers’ table at each team’s arena that marks off a number, counting down from 16 to trophy? I have one on the side of my house counting from 24 to Lakers vs. Celtics finals. The neighbors have given up reasoning with me.

I love the Lakers and have since I can remember. My childhood dog was named Magic, my room was covered in Laker posters, I wore Laker t-shirts to school everyday for two years, and I invited Magic Johnson to my wedding (no show). You wouldn’t believe how happy I was when my son was born on August 14th and as a result can share a birthday with Magic (the wife shot down Earvin, Magic, or Buck for first or middle names). While I am obviously biased in this analysis I can honestly say that my fandom made me break this thing down more in an attempt to see all points of view, so here ya go…..

There’s no love loss here. Obviously this isn’t the 80s. But, this new version of the Lakers vs. Celtics rivalry is pretty chippy as well:

That being said, this thing will come down to matchups like every other seven game series. Here is the tale of the tape for each team (Lakers here and Celtics here), followed by some analysis.

There are so many good matchups in this series:

PG – Derek Fisher vs. Rajon Rondo: I have been very impressed by the maturity of Rondo. He’s grown up a ton this year and even more in these playoffs. He’s got Fish in athleticism for sure, but I don’t think they can make up for 3 rings and Fish’s uncanny knack for knocking down the big shot. Yes, Rondo is quick, but is he quicker than Tony Parker, who Fish managed last series? Yes, Rondo is athletic, but is he more athletic than Deron Williams, who Fish battled and beat in West semifinals? No way. Rondo got by Chauncey “Mr. Big Shot” Billups last round, but the Laker offense doesn’t require Fish to create off the dribble, thus negating some of what makes Rondo a good defender: speed. I’ll take Fish here but closer than more outsiders would think. Advantage: Lakers.

SG – Kobe Bryant vs. Ray Allen: I don’t know how much these guys will actually guard each other, and the defensive assignments will change throughout the series as adjustments are made (see the Coaches section below). But I’m just going position by position here so we’ll put them head to head. Kobe is the best player on the planet and has been there before. Not only does he have the 3 rings, but he was the closer on those teams, even with Shaq around. I can’t say anything about him that hasn’t been said. I think that Ray Allen is the biggest X-factor for the Celtics in the series. His inconsistency has been shocking to me, after such a stellar career. I think everyone thought he would lose a step after playing over 100 games this year, but shooting brick after brick on open shots was totally unexpected. However, his play in the last 2 games vs Detroit reminds us that he can still be explosive and his range is still there. He is so important because of his effect on the crowd. At home, those threes get the Boston faithful on their feet and going nuts. On the road, nothing stops a run and shuts up fans more than a cold-blooded 3. If he’s “good Ray” for 7 games, chalk up title #17 for the Celtics. But I don’t think he’ll keep it going for all 7. Advantage: Lakers.

SF – Vladimir Radmanovich vs. Paul Pierce: Easily Boston’s best matchup. Vlad doesn’t play big minutes for L.A., and when he’s in, he’s totally one-dimensional. His three point shooting can help open up the court but he’s a VERY streaky shooter. His defense and rebounding are usually non-existent. Good thing for the Lakers that they don’t have to rely on him too much. Paul Pierce is the Celtics' most clutch player. I love KG, but we’ve all seen him shrivel under the pressure too many times. Pierce doesn’t flinch and will win them at least one game in the series, if not more. As a Laker fan, he scares the shit out of me. Advantage: Celtics.

PF – Lamar Odom vs. Kevin Garnett: So much talent, so many head issues. Lamar is a freak to have his skills at his height. But, as any NBA fan knows, he’s been a HUGE disappointment the majority of his career. Even now he goes into funks that drive Phil, Kobe, and Laker fans crazy. But when his head is on straight, he can take over a game. KG is your Defensive Player of the Year. He is the heart and soul of this team and its fans. He TOTALLY changed the culture and spirit of the Celtics. He’s putting up his usual All Star numbers and always has a big effect on the game. But he still shrinks in crunch time, passing up shots or taking fade aways instead of taking it to the rack. If these two match up, I think it helps the Lakers. Lamar prefers to play outside, facing the basket. This will draw KG out of the lane, making space for Kobe, Pau, and other Laker cutters. On the other end, Lamar can do his best on KG, especially with help from Pau Gasol and a collapsing Fish (since Rondo can’t shoot). But like the SG analysis, going strictly position by position, you gotta give the nod to KG. Advantage: Celtics.

C – Pau Gasol vs. Kendrick Perkins: Gasol is another member of the “so much talent, so many head issues” club. His inconsistency is maddening! He can take over games with his back to basket game, his fifteen footers, and his excellent passing skills. But at times, he becomes too passive and is almost invisible out there. Still, he has a HUGE advantage over Perkins offensively. He is also the better pure defender, both in the post and outside. What Perkins gives you is hustle and work ethic. He gets the nod on the boards even though he’s giving up the height advantage, and will no doubt draw a few charges a game as the Lakers are prone to dropping the shoulder in the lane. But, if Gasol plays the game he is capable of, he will give the Lakers much more than Perkins can give the Celtics. Advantage: Lakers.

Bench – This is a very interesting matchup and it could decide the championship. Both benches bring a ton of energy and quickly change the flow of a game. Both have been tested on the road in these playoffs, which is where bench guys normally struggle to produce. The Lakers get more offense off the bench and it can come from a number of different players. Sasha Vujacic can knock down the threes, Luke Walton can facilitate the offense and get others shots, Ronny Turiaf can get second chance points for himself or others. But the L.A. bench isn’t usually too keen on playing defense. They could easily get manhandled by a physical team like the Celtics. The Celtics' bench is comprised of James Posey, two senior citizens, and a Big Baby. Eddie House could be a factor if Doc plays him (5.4 mpg in playoffs) and Boston fans are all excited about Tony Allen guarding Kobe. He better not try any of this:

Advantage: Celtics (since they have home court)

Coach – Phil Jackson vs Doc Rivers: 9 rings vs. well, a nice guy in his first Finals? Advantage: Lakers.

Out of seven categories, that's a 4-3 edge for the Lakers. Hmmm...a presage, perhaps? A sign of things to come?

These were the two #1 seeds and they both deserve to be here. It will be a close series that will go seven games; here's how I think it will go down:

Game 1 – Both teams come out rusty and a little tight. Kobe will probably try to do too much and get the Lakers out of rhythm. Celtics home court is just too much and they pull away late. Celtics, 1-0

Game 2 – Phil makes the better adjustments, gets guys in the right places, and Kobe has a big game (possible triple double). Lakers win. Series tied, 1-1

Game 3 – The single most impressive thing the Celtics have done this post season is winning game 3 in Detroit. Everyone thought they were dead and they came out strong. Expect the same game here. Lakers overconfidence leads to a big hole early. Frantic rally gets them close, but not over the top. Celtics, 2-1

Game 4 – Laker blowout. Celts got the road win they wanted and Phil, Kobe & company won’t lose two in a row. Series tied, 2-2

Game 5 – This one makes Laker fans sweat. Game 7 vs Portland in 2000 sweat. Game 4 vs Sacramento in 2002 sweat. Games 1 and 5 vs San Antonio this year sweat. But just like those games, L.A. pulls it out late and takes their first series lead. Lakers, 3-2

Game 6 – Lakers come out hot vs a tight Celtic squad whose backs are against the wall. But this one looks a lot like game 7 vs the Cavs this year. Celts win an ugly one late. Series tied, 3-3

Game 7 – By this point, I’ve had five heart attacks and can’t sleep, eat, or function in society. I probably will have lost my job and I hope my family is still with me. Game 7 is for closers, and Kobe is the best we’ve seen since MJ. He gets it done and it looks a lot like game 6 vs Utah this year. Celtic fans have a moment of silence then rush out to check the latest on Big Papi’s wrist. Lakers win the series, 4-3

A new Laker dynasty has begun.

Where are they now? E. Gay Baylor

2008-06-04T11:40:00.003-04:00

Normally, I would pick some obscure person from a random point in history, but in honor of this week’s NBA Finals I am choosing one of the truly great players the game has ever known: Elgin Baylor.

Can you imagine how much different basketball history would sound if Elgin had gone by his middle name, Gay? That would be odd.

Elgin came to mind because he was a part of the first Lakers-Celtics finals series in 1959. Of course, the Lakers were in Minnesota back then…for those of you that always wondered why the hell a team was called the ‘Lakers’ and are nowhere near any kind of lake, there you go. The Lakers lost that series, but went on to be pretty good for a while.

Elgin was the #1 overall pick after a career that included stops in the Washington DC rec league, College of Idaho and Seattle University. All basketball powerhouses for certain.

He scored over 23,000 points and grabbed over 11,000 rebounds in his career before being elected to the NBA Hall of Fame in 1977.

In 1974, Elgin was hired as an assistant coach and later ascended to head coach for the New Orleans Jazz (yep, that explains the Utah thing, too…see, this is a history lesson folks!). He sucked as a coach and left after the ‘78-’79 season. He disappeared after that, but from what I can tell he made an appearance as the father of a dysfunctional family in the Chicago projects while starring in the TV sitcom Good Times. Like most big stars, he used a stage name…but that had to be him.

In 1986, he was hired as an executive with the Los Angeles Clippers where he still works today. They have had one good year in all that time, but I guess he’s waiting for the reunion movie before he gives up the basketball gig.

NFL Player Fights Back With Bedpost

2008-06-04T09:07:00.000-04:00

Perhaps the trend of professional athletes having their homes burgled will finally come to an end with the recent actions of Green Bay Packers running back Noah Herron, who throttled a would-be burglar with the most obvious weapon imaginable: a bedpost.

Herron called police Friday night and reported that an unknown number of intruders had entered his home. When one of the miscreants entered Herron's bedroom, Herron whacked him with a bedpost he had unscrewed from his bed. Where most people may have panicked, Herron remained calm, looked about his bedroom, and decided that the only weapon available to him was the bedpost, and he used it.

The Brown County Sheriff issued a statement that described Herron's use of force as "necessary, reasonable and justifiable." The burglar he presumably hit over the head was still hospitalized as of Monday, but was unfortunately expected to recover. A second burglar was arrested outside of Herron's home and stolen goods and a vehicle from another burglary were found in the area as well. Shockingly, both of the idiots that were arrested are also suspects in a string of burglaries and home invasions throughout the county.

So here's to you, Noah Herron. Maybe your actions will make those that target professional athletes think twice the next time they're going to commit a burglary.

Sports Illustrated: Green Bay RB Herron Foils Burglary With Bedpost

Tonight's TV Battle

2008-06-03T16:30:00.007-04:00

If you've ever yelled at someone in the kitchen whilst using an f-bomb and the word "wanker," then Hell's Kitchen is the show for you (Fox, 9). If you're looking for something a bit tamer, check out the biography of David Cassidy on Biography (BIO, 9). Hopefully it will be chock-full of '70s icon gone bad on coke binges goodness, but don't hold your breath.

In the world of sports, you've got...not much of anything. Here's hoping you've got the MLB package!

NBA: SportsCenter Finals Special, ESPN, 7 ( A 180 minute commercial for the NBA Finals.)
Softball: WCWS, Arizona State vs. Texas A&M, Deuce, 8
Deportes: Titulares y Mas, Telemundo, 11:35

(All times eastern)

Move Over, Kimbo Slice: The Next Real MMA Champion is Here

2008-06-03T12:54:00.006-04:00

His name is Peter "Pound Cake" Poulsen and he's going to be a major star in a major way. A scant seven months ago he was living in a garbage dumpster on the outskirts of Copenhagen, fighting for scraps of cake and pie. Then, he got his big break on the Danish television show Go'aften Danmark, a talk show that features current news and whatnot. He karate-chopped a baker in half for the right to eat seventeen Courics worth of pound cake. In an instant, a future superstar with a nickname was born.

He is unorthodox in every way imaginable, as you can see from the unorthodox training methods depicted above.

Rumors are flying everywhere that Pound Cake will be featured on the next CBS/EliteXC slapfest. Buzz's Monkey Butler will be the first to let you know when and where that will happen.*

*Will likely never happen

The NBA Finals Are (almost) Upon Us

2008-06-03T10:17:00.008-04:00

I'm not going to make a secret about it: two of your writer/editors of this here blog are fanatical Lakers fans. With that bit of shocking information out of the way, we hope to bring you a post a day from now until the Lakers destroy the hapless Celtics and the NBA Finals are at an end.

At first glance, and this may be the Lou Holtzness about me, but I don't see how the Celtics are such huge underdogs. The pundits say they are. Vegas says they are. I don't get it: they had the best record in basketball (66-16) in the regular season, and as such, they have home court advantage for the Finals. They've only lost one game at home, to Detroit, and avenged that loss by winning two in a row to close out the Pistons. They have Kevin Garnett. They have Ray Allen. And, most importantly, they have Paul Pierce.

What do the Lakers have going for them? Kobe Bryant. That's about it, right? I mean, let's face it: the Lakers are a young team (Derek Fisher is the elder statesman) with a majority of players under the age of 30. Kobe and Fisher are the only two Lakers to have even sniffed a run this deep into the playoffs before. Granted, the Celtics starters aren't exactly laden with Finals experience themselves, but they do have veteran presence in the locker room (Sam Cassell and P.J. Brown come to mind) and their best players are older than the Lakers' best players.

However, even though the focus is squarely on Bryant, once you take a deeper look into the team, you can see why they ought to win the series. They have interchangable parts at almost every position, "change of pace" guys that can come off the bench and make things happen. Vladimir Radmanovich starts the game, and his equally-Eastern European counterpart, Sasha Vujacic, comes in off of the bench. They both shoot threes with reckless abandon. Derek Fisher starts the game at point guard, bringing his defense and shooting touch to the table, and he's replaced by Jordan Farmar, who comes with his high energy and athleticism. Pau Gasol starts at center only to be replaced by the almost-has-a-screw-loose Ronny Turiaf, who rebounds and plays a much more physical game than Gasol. Then you've got the versatile Luke Walton, who can play either as a three or four, and who can rebound and occasionally knock down the big shot. Throw in the fact that Trevor Ariza is back from injury and is tenth guy off of the bench (and will likely see time in the series), and you can see why the Lakers are in the Finals: it has as much to do with Kobe Bryant as it does the depth that the Lakers can bring off of the bench. It's also as much about the way these guys play together as well--they actually look and feel like a real team in every sense of the word.

I don't know exactly what's going to happen when they finally tip this thing off on Thursday night, but here is my prediction for the series:

Game One: Celtics come out high-energy and take an early lead, possibly in double-digits. Lakers cut it to single digits at the half and take a lead in the third quarter. Game is back and forth after that with the Celtics winning a close one. Celtics, 1-0.

Game Two: Similar to Game One except that it is the Lakers who jump out early in the first half and ultimately cruise to a victory. Series tied, 1-1.

Game Three: Lakers come out popping in front of an unusual early-arriving Staples Center crowd. Everything clicks and the Lakers win by double digits. Lakers, 2-1.

Game Four: Celtics bear down and grind one out in the true sense of the word. This will be an ugly basketball game. Lots of fouls, lots of turnovers. Celtics win a game that finishes in the 80s. Series tied, 2-2.

Game Five: This is the one that will decide the series. It's essentially a must-win for the Lakers as they cannot afford to go back to Boston down 3-2. Kobe realizes this and comes out shooting and is on fire. He gets help from a resurgent Lamar Odom and the bench chips in as well as the starters get a nice rest in the fourth quarter and the Lakers win going away. Lakers, 3-2.

Game Six: Boston's back is against the wall and they know it. They come out firing and Pierce is hot early. They take an early lead and maintain it until halftime. They stretch the lead out to 15 in the third quarter and then Kobe goes to work. His play seems to reawaken the Lakers and they come all the way back to tie it in the fourth, and then take a lead. The Celtics never recover and the Lakers when a close one, likely in the 80s. Lakers win series, 4-2.

There you have it: Lakers in six.

Tonight's TV Battle

2008-06-02T16:07:00.001-04:00

In tonight's installment of reality shows that just won't die, you've got the Bachelorette (ABC, 8) and My Super Sweet 16 (MTV, 9), both of which should cause immediate head explosions in those who watch them so as to clear out the gene pool. Or, if you don't want to die just yet, you could check out Tom Cruise before he went batshit crazy in All The Right Moves (CMT, 8). Yes, apparently CMT runs movies that are not country.

For the bizarre, check out Dwarf Family Revisited (Discovery Health, 8), which comes with a free case of the "willies" or "heebie-jeebies" with every viewing. I, of course, will be watching Pirate Code (NGC, 10), because I fancy pirate lore in the way that only National Geographic can give me.

In the world of sports, you've got...

MLB: Yankees at Twins, ESPN, 7
NHL: Stanley Cup Finals, Game 5, Pittsburgh at Detroit, NBC, 8
Softball: Women's NCAA Championship, Game 1, Texas A&M vs. Arizona State, Deuce, 8
Classic Rodeo: 1996 National Circuit Finals, ESPN Classic, 11

(All times eastern)

Ok, Dutrow, We Get It: You're Confident

2008-06-02T09:01:00.000-04:00

Let me just preface this by saying that I am not an avid fan of horse racing. I don't watch any horse races whatsoever during the year unless they happen to be of the Kentucky Derby, Preakness or Belmont variety. Even then, I typically won't watch the Belmont unless the same horse has managed to win both the Derby and the Preakness. I am a sports fan, and as a sports fan I'd like to see a Triple Crown winner in my lifetime that I can actually remember, because I don't remember Affirmed galloping home in 1978 as I was likely too busy wailing like a baby and my tiny infant brain couldn't comprehend such things as television or horses.

All that being said, I think Rick Dutrow, the trainer for the 2/3 of the way to the Triple Crown horse Big Brown, is starting to make me cheer against the very thing I've tuned in for the past several years. The guy is a pompous ass, isn't he?

"I feel that he will do it. It's actually a foregone conclusion for me," Dutrow said Thursday during a conference call with the news media. "I see the horses in with him and I see our horse, and I expect him to win it."

Even when it was pointed out to Dutrow that the boldness of his statements might offend some competitors, he did not back down. "People who think I'm talking too big, all they have to do is see what I'm seeing in the horse," he said. "He's looking for action."

This is, of course, the same guy that compared Big Brown's temperment after winning the Preakness to his own at a strip club.

My perception of horse racing is that by its very nature, it is full of pompous, big-money owners who bleed money into the sport. That perception is also that it has a dignified air, and that its talking participants usually watch their words when discussing their sport. It's as if they might be a tad bit superstitious about the whole thing. After all, Big Brown is a horse with a recently repaired crack in its hoof trying to do what three other horses in the last six years have been unable to do: close out the Triple Crown after winning the first two legs. There are so many things that could go wrong with a horse race: you could get a poor starting position, the horse could stumble out of the gate, your jockey could temporarily lose his mind and ride the horse like a donkey, the horse could break down on the backstretch--you just don't know.

There are indicators that Dutrow might be just plain crazy. For instance, he claimed recently that one of the reasons Smarty Jones failed in his Triple Crown bid back in 2004 was that the horse worked out on "a sloppy, sealed track" at Philadelphia Park, which was clearly not the case.

Also, there's this stat: 59 horses have won the first two legs of the Triple Crown. Only 11 have actually gone on to win the Belmont. That's around a 19% success rate.

Either way, Rick Dutrow either has abnormally huge cajones that defy scientific norms or he is clinically insane. I guess we'll find out June 7th.

EliteXC: A Colossal Failure

2008-05-31T21:50:00.013-04:00

The title says it all. For all of the CBS promotional bluster, for all of the hype and buildup surrounding CBS's experiment in televising mixed-martial arts on network television, what I witnessed Saturday night was a complete joke. While you may remember that I encouraged CBS last week to throw MMA into primetime, I now take that back and hope that CBS never takes the plunge again.

To clarify, I'm no expert in MMA. I am what you would call a casual fan of MMA. I am a fan of all sports, however, and what I watched on CBS was not quality "sports" at all.

The first two bouts featured "knockouts" that essentially ended on punches that seemingly would have had trouble breaking through paper mache. I found myself thinking, over and over, that any fighter from UFC's stable would absolutely mop the floor with any of the first four fighters.

The only comparison I can think of is that CBS decided to jump in head first in televising MMA with what would be the equivalent of Double A baseball or the NBA's D league. They either didn't do their research, or, more likely, didn't want to spend that much and EliteXC was in their price range. (Plus, UFC has its own deal with Spike.) It just wasn't up to par, and it certainly wasn't worth the ridiculous amount of self-promotion that CBS bathed itself in.

I mean, come on...a guy with five previous "professional" fights being introduced by a rapping Busta Rhymes? Another guy with a 10-9 record coming in wearing a glittering robe and sunglasses while accompanied by fireworks? The "dancers" in between fights? One had to have had the feeling that the boys over at UFC were unable to focus on what was on the screen because they had to be doubled over, laughing themselves silly. Not only that, Burger King and Miller Lite executives had to be scratching their heads, wondering what kind of oceanfront property in Arizona they had been sold.

In my opinion, you don't need fireworks and silly minustrations to introduce yourself to an MMA fight; you're either a badass, or you're not, and clearly most of these guys at EliteXC just aren't badasses. They're an affront to badasses everywhere, actually.

At first, I felt a tad bit sorry for Gus Johnson, thinking that maybe he was just the odd man out, the one guy picked from the CBS announcer stable to call the diaster. But as the night went on, it became apparent that Gus wasn't trying to be excited; he actually was excited. Maybe that's the mark of a true professional: throw yourself into what you're covering and make the best of it, like that guy that's been calling those cheerleading competitions all these years.

It just wasn't CBS's night. They actually get a decent fight between Robbie Lawler and Scott Smith (the best of the night), and as it is progressing nicely, Smith gets poked in the eye. Time is called, he says he's ok, and some lady non-badass doctor calls the fight.

I'm sorry, but come on...it actually made me laugh out loud. Baddest men on the planet? Ultimate fighting, this was not. Clearly, someone at the New Jersey "We Sanction MMA Fights" Commission was covering their ass on a grand scale. The boos and cries for refunds after the decision was announced was probably the worst moment of the night for CBS.

Then, we finally got to the feature bout of the night: Kimbo Slice vs. The Colossus. My first impression of James Thompson was the only thing colossus about him was his giant, grotesque cauliflowered left ear. That thing was gross. He was rumored to have a glass jaw, but he took several direct shots from the massive Slice and didn't go down. The fight itself can be summed up in one word: amateurish. (See video below)

Look, I've got nothing against Kimbo; he has a sad story and it's nice to see someone who was homeless months ago make something of himself. But he's no elite-level MMA fighter. I wouldn't find it outside the realm of possibility that he would be unable to make a UFC undercard, much less a televised bout. He's a one-trick pony: he can punch hard with his right hand. That's it. The journeyman Thompson has obviously been trained in MMA as he was pretty much able to take Kimbo down at will. Once on the ground, the only thing that saved Kimbo from one of a dozen submission holds was his strength. That's it. If he had been fighting anyone of any caliber, he probably would've been beaten in the first round.

Ultimately, this has to be viewed as a failure for EliteXC and CBS, and to some degree, a failure for the sport of MMA. It's good that UFC has such a huge following on Spike (and through its pay-per-view shows), because if the casual sports fan tuned in to see "what this MMA is all about," they would've changed the channel on Saturday night.

Monkey Butlers of the Week

2008-05-30T16:21:00.005-04:00

Best Use of the Number Three: Cleveland Indians. The Indians, who had a player turn an unassisted triple play a couple of weeks ago, pulled off a rare triple steal on Tuesday night in the midst of an 8-2 win over the Chicago White Sox. It was the first triple steal in the MLB since 1987.

Worst Time to Bring a Dead Issue Back to Life: The NBA. By coming out on Wednesday night and issuing a ruling on the Derek Fisher/Brent Barry foul fiasco, they fanned the burning embers of an almost-dead issue and reignited the blogosphere and the airwaves. Everyone already knew it was a foul (except the Spurs), so why state the obvious? Methinks the NBA doth protest too much in its attempt to appear completely neutral in this whole Lakers/Celtics Finals possibility.

Worst First Pitch of the Week: Mariah Carey. See below. My God.

Oddest Resurfacing of a Former '90s R&B Group Member: Michael Bivins. Formerly of R&B supergroup Bell Biv Devoe (that girl is poisooonnnnnn), Bivins is now contributing content to TNT's broadband channel, TNT Overdrive. Uh, ok. Apparently he's just following the Celtics around and gushing about them. (Ed note: While we realize that Bivins started doing this a few weeks ago, we nor do we believe anyone else was aware of it until he showed up during Game 5 of the Western Conference finals last night in that ridiculous suit.)

Most Ridiculous Solution of the Week: The NBA. That's right, folks: the first two-time Monkey Butler of the Week winner, all in the same week too! This one's for the NBA's completely ridiculous decision to assess flopping after the fact and issue fines after video from games is reviewed. So ridiculous, so stupid, so dumb. Just take the leash off of the refs and let them call fouls on the floppers instead, ok?

Most Un-Earl Way to Evoke the Name of Karma: Sharon Stone. She recently made comments that the earthquake in China was caused not by plate tectonics but by karma for the way that China has treated Tibet over the years. China's response was to nuke Stone's privates back to the, ah, Stone Age. Actually, China's real response included their largest cinema chain banning all Stone movies from its cineplexes, which came not a moment too soon as it has spared the Chinese people the torment of having to sit through such bombs as Basic Instinct 2, When A Man Falls in the Forest, and If I Had Known I Was a Genius. I'm assuming that last one's not an autobiographical flick.

And now, your random non-sports related YouTube video of the week:

This Weekend's TV Battle

2008-05-30T15:20:00.001-04:00

Well, here we are on another Friday night where I don't watch television. So, I thought I'd expand each Friday's TVB to the weekend!

On Saturday night, you could watch new episodes of Cops (Fox, 8) and America's Most Wanted (Fox, 9), and fully immerse yourself in both ends of our justice system: the initial arrest and then the pursuit after they escape justice.

On Sunday night, there's the always entertaining Futurama marathon (Comedy, 8), or you could go with yet another prime time gameshow: Million Dollar Password (CBS, 8). This incarnation features two-person teams of one celebrity and one non-celebrity each. First up: Neil Patrick Harris and Rachel Ray. No word on who they will be competing against.

In the world of sports, you've got...

Friday
Softball: Women's College World Series, ESPN, 7
NBA Playoffs: Eastern Conference finals, Boston at Detroit, ESPN, 8:30
NASCAR: Craftsman Truck Series from Dover, SPEED, 8:30
UFC: Fight Night, Spike, 9

Saturday
Softball, Women's College World Series, ESPN, Noon
Tennis: French Open, NBC, 1
Golf: PGA Tour, Memorial Tournament, CBS, 3
NASCAR: Nationwide Series in Dover, Deuce, 3
MLB: Dodgers at Mets, Tigers at Mariners, or Braves at Reds, Fox, 3
NHL: Stanley Cup Finals, Game 4, Detroit at Pittsburgh, NBC 8
MMA: EliteXC Saturday Night Fights, CBS, 9

Sunday
Tennis: French Open, NBC, 1
Softball, Women's College World Series, ESPN, Noon
NASCAR: Sprint Cup from Dover, Fox, 1:30
Golf: PGA Tour, Memorial Tournament, CBS, 2:30
MLB: Dodgers at Mets, ESPN, 8

Where are they now? Western Finals edition

2008-05-30T12:45:00.000-04:00

While watching the Lakers wrap up the Western Conference title against the Spurs last night, I started thinking back about some of the great championships from both teams. I started reminiscing about some of the great players in the history of both clubs. Then I started thinking about great players who played for both teams. I ended up with one name who stands above them all.

This week’s ‘Where are they now?’…the legendary Chuck Nevitt.

No, dumbass, I didn’t say Chuck Norris. Chuck Nevitt. You remember him don’t you? 7’5” of pure athleticism and grace.

Chuck played with 5 teams in his 12 year career. Well, played may be a stretch. He was the ultimate 12th man. When Chuck checked in at the scorer’s table, it was a sign that you can finish your beer and head for the car. Once named ‘The Human Victory Cigar’ by Sports Illustrated, he played a total of 826 minutes in his career. To put that in perspective, it may take Kobe Bryant 20 games to play that much…but only if he gets major bench time in a couple of games.

But how does Chuck relate to the Lakers-Spurs? Well, Chuck was a member of the 1985 Lakers championship team. He took that championship experience and taught Michael Jordan a thing or two (during his 10-day contract during the 91-92 season). Chuck then went on to an illustrious career with the San Antonio Spurs. He shot 3-6 free throws during a one minute appearance in the season opener for San Antonio in 1993…then they cut him. Those unappreciative bastards!

Today, we look up high and salute you Chuck. You were a goofy looking dude with a bad, porn ‘stache…but you were at least tall. So that’s something.

The Woman's Perspective: The Personal Lives of Athletes

2008-05-30T10:51:00.000-04:00

(Ed note: It's finally here! After promoting the fact that we'd be having a woman writing things from time to time for what has seemed like days now, it's actually happening. So enjoy!)

After reading Edwin's post regarding the personal lives of athletes, I just wanted to add my two cents about the other people to blame in this situation: the women. Both the wives/girlfriends and the cleat-chasers. As a rehabbed cleat-chaser myself, I have an understanding (sort of) of what these women's lives are like. I'm not saying it's wrong or right, but men today currently deem a woman's "hotness" to be her most valued attribute. Anna Kournikova and Jennie Finch are not household names because they are exceptional athletes. Erin Andrews is not a favorite sideline reporter because of her astounding knowledge of the game. Because of this, and I know it seems a bit counterintuitive, women's self-esteem has taken a hit. Women literally throw themselves at professional athletes for a chance to live the "dream." And it's not only the bimbos with no other real way to support themselves. I'm talking about intelligent, college-educated women shedding their dignity (and their clothes) to party with a slobbering Kyle Orton. Really? Are you that desperate to think that if you sleep with him, he'll give you a Bentley in the morning? Ladies, most of you have much more to offer society than that. Go use that engineering degree and find a man who loves you for more than your giant implants.

And as for the wives....First of all, you know what you're getting into. As Chris Rock once said, "A man is only as faithful as his options." (See above) And unless you've known him since high school, you were likely one of the girls at the hot tub party that happened to get "lucky" or "pregnant." What makes you think he won't do it again? I would say that it's partly your fault that you're not giving him what he needs at home, but professional athletes are on the road so much, that that's really not fair. I will say, though, that it's your fault for letting him get away with it. Over and over and over again. Shaunie O'Neal finally got wise. Vanessa Bryant should probably do the same. Are you so enamored with the lifestyle that you will let a man mistreat you that way? I'm sorry, but a big ole' diamond can't fix everything. The solution: Don't sign a pre-nup. And keep your man in line. Go all Jackie Christie on his ass! The woman is batshit crazy, but clearly, she is on to something.

Mixed Martial Arts & the Crazy Kimbo Slice + CBS = ?

2008-05-30T09:16:00.007-04:00

Apparently, CBS has decided to make a splash into the world of MMA, or "mixed martial arts," and air fights from ~~the UFC~~ some sort of league called "EliteXC" on Saturday night. Now, I'm not a huge fan of MMA, but I've watched my fair share and I do find it entertaining. However, I've never heard of EliteXC. Who I have heard of, however, is Kimbo Slice, who frankly terrifies me. This is a man that formerly earned his living by fighting people on the street who ponied up the bucks to go toe to toe with him. Don't believe me? Then check this out (warning: by watching the below video, you will see someone get knocked the fuck out):

Terrifying, no? Kimbo (real name: Kevin Ferguson, I shit you not) will be fighting James Thompson, who is three inches taller but considerably less badass looking than Kimbo. The word on the street is that Kimbo is EliteXC's best chance at mainstream popularity, so when you couple that with Ferguson's reportedly glass jaw, I'm pretty sure you understand where this one will end up. Hopefully Ferguson can walk afterwards.

A bonus is the strikingly attractive (for MMA standards) woman pictured above, Gina Carano. She'll be fighting another lady warrior in a bout on the undercard. She's undefeated and has one submission, so I think that makes her hotter. Wonder what Gregg Doyel of Sportsline.com thinks will happen in Carano's bout against Kaitlin Young? Well here you go:

Kaitlin isn't the name of a fighter. Kaitlin is the name of a kindergarten girlie with pigtails, or a baby-sitter with braces. Nobody named Kaitlin can beat Gina Carano, that's for damn sure. If you wanted better analysis than this, sorry. I can't get into women fighting. Am I sexist? Perhaps.

Ah...you gotta love it when a giant entity gets into something that they have no experience whatsoever with. They've got one of their main NCAA basketball guys handicapping the fights, which I personally think is outstanding.

Along those same lines, another parallel to all of this that is almost as compelling as Kimbo Slice rising from the streets to a prime time bout on CBS is the fact that Gus Johnson will be calling the fights. That's right, the same NCAA tourney Gus Johnson that we've all come to know and love these past few years. What sort of catchy phrases will Gus be throwing around? "The FOOT still FITS up his ass!!" Will Bill Raftery be doing color commentary? "And Kimbo opens up punching...with a kiss!!"

More importantly: can we count on a One Shining Moment-type theme song at the end of all this? Will CBS work shots of the losers crying, a la J.J. Redick and Adam Morrison? Will they have Greg Gumbel and Clark Kellogg providing their keen insight from the studio?

The possibilities are endless for this one. Even though CBS chairman Sumner Redstone recently decried his own network's decision to air the spectacle, I say, "Go, CBS, go!" Push the boundaries! Give us casual MMA fans a reason to watch.

CBS: EliteXC Saturday Night Fights, 9 eastern

Tonight's TV Battle

2008-05-29T16:47:00.000-04:00

It's Thursday night, so you know what that means: Lost (ABC, 9)! I hear that this is a pretty good show. Since I stopped watching it about three years ago, I have no idea what's going on, but I think that they're all on an island and either a volleyball named Wilson or a goofball named Gilligan keeps screwing things up.

Another, lighter option for you is Last Comic Standing (NBC, 8:30), where funny people try out for the show and find out that they aren't so funny.

In the world of sports, you've got...

College Softball World Series: All kinds of teams, ESPN, 7 (and lasting until the end of time, or until Arizona's hotties get beat)
MLS Soccer: D.C. United at New England, Deuce, 7:30
NBA Playoffs: Western Conference finals, Game 5, Spurs at Lakers, TNT, 9:15

G.O.A.T. (Greatest of All Time) - NBA Playoff Fouls

2008-05-29T14:57:00.006-04:00

You’ll quickly be able to tell that I am a child of the 80s when it comes to sports (and everything else I guess). Since I was born in 1976, anything that happened before Magic and Larry got to the NBA isn’t on my radar. With that in mind, and the fact that we have Detroit vs Boston in the East finals (hopefully followed by L.A. vs Boston), I started to reminisce about the "golden years" of the NBA and what a real foul looked like. Nowadays it seems there is a foul called on every possession. The free throws and constant stoppages in play take so much of the flow and fun out of the game. Back in my day a foul was a foul (said in the voice of Grandpa Simpson). And the tradition was passed down like a passing of the torch: Philly vs Boston, Boston vs Detroit, Detroit vs Chicago, Chicago vs New York, New York vs Miami, with the Lakers thrown in along the way to represent the West. Some of the best fouls, and subsequent fights, came from these vicious series. Some examples:

Lakers vs Celtics (the McHale clothesline):

Nowadays, such an infraction will net you an ejection and at least one game off:

Celtics vs Pistons (particularly the third shot with Parrish clubbing Laimbeer over the head):

I think my favorite part of that one is that if you will remember, Parrish wasn’t even called for a foul and actually shot free throws as a result of the play! Makes you wonder how anyone ever won in the Garden...

Just So You Know Who's Running Things Around Here

2008-05-29T13:47:00.000-04:00

This has nothing to do with sports, but we figured that you'd really want to know who is running things around here: monkeys with the power of mind control.

That's right. Monkeys now have the ability to control robots with their minds. We are nothing but automatonic robots being controlled by the minds of monkeys.

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

CNN: Monkeys Control Robots With Their Minds

On the Personal Lives of Athletes

2008-05-29T10:54:00.001-04:00

I have to say that through the years, my interest in the personal lives of athletes has been an up-and-down affair. There have been periods of time where virtually any information about a famous athlete's personal life would interest me, only to be followed by periods of utter disinterest. As I've gotten older, the periods of fascination have been outpaced by the periods of not caring, but not to the point where I've stopped paying attention. What more concerns me now is when an alleged occurence has something to do with breaking the law. Then I care, because I consider lawbreaking to be a bit more newsworthy than whether someone is having an affair on his wife or drinking with young girls at a pool party.

I say that as a lead-in to this whole business surrounding Kobe Bryant supposedly, allegedly, perhaps, maybe, could be, might be, etc., etc., etc., cheating on his wife with a Laker Girl. A Laker Girl that just so happens to have the same first name as his wife. You know how all of this got started? A dirty site called The Dirty posted a "story" about a Laker girl named Vanessa leaving the Laker Girl team right before the playoffs and how a source of theirs told them the reason she left was because the Lakers were looking to cover the whole thing up.

What the fuck?

Not a week goes by and an actual mainstream, top-level site posts about it: Deadspin. Their timeline accurately depicts how a story with no substantial proof whatsoever can somehow find legs and run its way around the Internet to the browser windows and inboxes of the masses.

The question is, why are we fascinated? Why do we care? A.J. Daulerio over at Deadspin claims that this is news because of Kobe's past affair in Colorado and his subsequent painful, public apology. But is it? Is it really? Nobody seemed to care when Wilt Chamberlain was fucking every woman he saw 40 years ago. I guess it is news if the weather is, say, sunny and in the 80s 47 days in a row. You've still got to report the weather, right? Even if it's the same every day? So I guess he might have a point there, that a repeated, unsurprising occurence deserves mention, but then again, I don't think that your local newscast would spend so much time reporting on that mundane, same-every-day weather.

Instead of reporting what athletes do on the court, increasingly the focus has shifted to what they do off of it. Is it shocking that Pacman Jones "made it rain" at a strip club? That Matt Leinart had a party that involved BEER and GIRLS? That Charles Barkley gambles? That Alex Rodriguez was seen with a woman who was not his wife? I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point.

These people aren't role models. They just aren't. We think we know them because we craft their personalities for them while we root for them. We like to think that Marvin Harrison is a stand up guy and perfect humanitarian because he fits our mold of what we think that person is; the fact that he owns a bar and gets into fights outside of it and then his gun is used to shoot at someone never enters the picture and then shocks us when we hear about it.

The fact of the matter is that we don't know these people any better than we know the person that delivers our mail. Peyton Manning could be a psychotic choking rapist for all we know. While I think that Albert Pujols is a god amongst men, a living, walking, breathing saint in this world, he may turn out to be the worst person ever. We just don't know.

I should have known better when everything came crashing down for me, when Magic Johnson announced to the world that he was HIV positive. Magic Johnson? AIDS? What? He cheated on his wife? Say it ain't so! Not a beloved athlete!

The personal lives of athletes shouldn't shock us at all. Athletes are normal, regular people who just happen to be ridiculously gifted at a particular skill set that is enormously overvalued by society. Kobe Bryant may be the best basketball player on earth, but he's just a regular human being in every other way. Given the same amount of idol worship, money and fame, I don't know what kind of person I would be. I can guarantee you that I would not be the person I am now because I just don't think it would be possible. In fact, I think it's probably almost impossible to grow up in that kind of spotlight and be anywhere near what you or I would consider "normal."

I'd probably have an overinflated ego and enough arrogance to fill the Staples Center. I'd probably walk into every room thinking that everyone in there needed to do whatever I wished simply because of who I was. I imagine that that's the kind of life a lot of these athletes lead. I don't see how it makes sense to be shocked or even merely surprised that an athlete's personal life isn't going like we think it should. They live in a completely different world than 95% of regular society, and as such, they're going to act and talk differently than we do. It's just the way it is.

Maybe John Dvorak over at Fox News was on to something with his article yesterday that talked about how the Internet was basically making us all dumber by the minute. While I don't agree with everything in the article, the following section was apropo with regard to this whole Kobe mess:

These people eat up information from the Internet and they believe everything they read. They pass along gossip as fact. They fall for every hoax under the sun (especially the very old ones).

You wonder when some Nigerian e-mail scammer is going to fleece them. I have no idea what is going to happen when it dawns on this crowd that they are useless boneheads.

Very well said, in my opinion. As a useless bonehead, I'll be doing my best to focus my attention elsewhere from now on.

Deadspin: The Dirty Kobe Bryant Business
Fox News: Dvorak: The Internet Is Making Us Dumber

NBA Sissies Get Tax Break

2008-05-29T08:44:00.004-04:00

NBA Commish and resident leprechaun, David Stern, announced yesterday that beginning next season fines will be imposed on players that employ the 'theatrical flop' strategy of defense. They have yet to determine the exact amount of the fines, but NBA Executive VP (and former shitty head coach) Stu Jackson said they will use 'in game arena observers and video reviewers' to do postgame reports on floppers.

Where the hell do I apply for that job?

You mean to tell me they will actually pay people to watch NBA games and tell them when people are flailing around like a pansy-ass pretending to take charges? I think I may have a new dream job. I don't really even like the NBA all that much, but getting paid to watch games and not actually have to prepare any stats or whatever would be fantastic. Just ask Bill Walton.

The great thing about this is the tax benefit of being a flop artist. I'm certainly no IRS guy (that's a whole other class of bastards), but I am pretty sure I read where a percentage of these fines are tax deductible because they are part of 'business expenses' related to their profession. I wonder if the Dockers and Izods that 'Lucky Charms' Stern suggested a couple years ago are deductible too. I'm sure that would make Allen Iverson happy.

As much as I detest these flop-artists, I think it's kinda stupid that you are imposing fines after the fact. Make the refs call the flops. Or, how about this, don't f'en call the foul in the first place. Wow...what a crazy idea.

Anyway, here's to you Bill Laimbeer, Vlade Divac and Raja Bell...but especially you Robert Horry. Your 'craft' has finally resulted in a new rule in the NBA. You won't be in the Hall, but you finally made your mark.

Tonight's TV Battle

2008-05-28T16:03:00.001-04:00

Well, the regular viewing season for regular shows is officially over, so you're now treated to crap like Wife Swap (ABC, 8) to occupy your time! Also on tonight, So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 8), where people once again dance like there's no tomorrow, and the supremely underrated movie Beautiful Girls (Flix, 8).

In the world of sports, you've got...

NHL Playoffs: Stanley Cup Finals, Detroit at Pittsburgh, NBC, 8
MLB Baseball: Dodgers at Cubs, Deuce, 8
NBA Playoffs: Eastern Conference finals, Game 5, Pistons at Celtics, ESPN, 8:30

(all times eastern)

Despite Late Meltdown, Lakers Have Spurs on Brink of Elimination

2008-05-28T10:37:00.002-04:00

The Lakers won their Game 4 matchup against the Spurs last night, 93-91, but not without quite a bit of drama. As one viewer put it, the Lakers did their best to "monkey clusterfuck" their way to a loss. Let's review the final 56.5 seconds, shall we?

--Lamar Odom hits two free throws to give the Lakers a 93-86 lead with 56.5 seconds remaining.

--The Spurs run a play for Brent Barry (a good one drawn up by Greg Popovich in the timeout) and he misses a three pointer. On the rebound, Pau Gasol is fouled by Tim Duncan with 50.8 seconds left.

--Gasol misses both free throws.

--The Spurs come down and Ginobli hits a three pointer with 42.1 seconds remaining. Score: Lakers 93, Spurs 89.

--Here's where the monkeyclusterfucking really gets going: the Lakers inbound the ball, and it ends up in Kobe Bryant's hands; instead of dribbling around the court and waiting to get fouled so that he can shoot what will surely be two money free throws, he drives the length of the court, puts up a tough shot from the right block, and misses. This occurs with around 34 seconds on the game clock and 16 seconds left on the shot clock.

--The Spurs quickly push the ball back upcourt, and Lamar Odom's block of Tony Parker's layup is ruled goaltending. Score: Lakers 93, Spurs 91. 28.1 seconds left.

--After a timeout, the Lakers put the ball in Kobe's hands to run down the clock. He is double-teamed and throws to Fisher, who launches an airball that mercifully goes out of bounds off of Robert Horry's leg with 5.6 seconds remaining in the game and only 2 seconds on the shot clock. (Ed. note: Fisher's shot DID hit the rim, but the refs and/or the shot clock operator missed it.)

--After a timeout, the Kobe shoots a fallaway jumper with two hands in his face and misses. Tim Duncan rebounds and the Spurs call timeout with 2.1 seconds left.

--Popovich draws up a play for....you guessed it, Brent Barry! He tries a pump fake that gets Fisher about two inches off of the ground and then flings a shot from about 28 feet that misses. The game ends as Barry pleads for a foul call on Fisher.

That, ladies and gents, is how you go about completely pissing away a game you have completely wrapped up. You don't drive the length of the floor trying to be Superman when all you have to do is get fouled and make your free throws (that goes for you, too, Pau).

And as far as the final "no call" on Fisher when Barry had the ball, both Barry and Popovich said afterwards that it wasn't a foul, which is code for "You're damn right it was a foul! He fouled the everliving dog mess out of him!"

Ultimately, though, the Lakers are now up 3-1 and have a chance to close the series out Thursday night in L.A. BTW, as soon as I have a YouTube video of Tim Duncan's egregious four-step dunk from the first half last night, I'll post it.

Who We Are

2008-05-28T08:48:00.001-04:00

Buzz's Monkey Butler is now two weeks old, and since we've kept it going this long, I thought that it might be time for an answer to the inevitable question that I'm sure is on all four of our readers' minds: Who the hell are these guys? And why is this blog called Buzz's Monkey Butler?

Well, to answer the latter, the name was born out of the marriage of Buzz Bissinger, recent frothing-at-the-mouth-on-TV-ranting-about-the-blogosphere guy, and the somewhat humorous notion of a real-live monkey butler. What better title for a blog than Buzz's Monkey Butler? You can't argue with that logic!

As for the rest of us, Hobson, Cadbury & I are all friends from way back. We all love sports. We all have real day jobs that don't allow us to be as involved with this little venture as we'd like to be. This blog was born out of a telephone conversation with Hobson when it hit me that some of the things we were talking about might look good on the Interweb. So here we are.

We hope to have recurring pieces, "themes" if you will, detailing various things we want to talk about. Cadbury will hopefully be providing a Where Are They Now? post each Wednesday, highlighting some sports figure of the past that has fallen out of the public eye. Perhaps you caught his first WATN on Popeye Jones, or perhaps his second, on Fennis Dembo. Hobson hopes to start a Greatest of All Time (G.O.A.T.) series this week, to run on Tuesdays, focusing on, well, things that are the greatest of all time.

You've probably seen my daily T.V. Battle posts, which I plan to continue, and I hope to have a more serious post each Monday, something delving a bit more in depth into topical sports issues than most of what we do. Every Friday, we'll bring you our Monkey Butlers of the Week, which will highlight the best and worst from the previous week in the sports world. And, at some point, we hope that our resident she-fan, Alice Duckworth, will give us something from a woman's perspective on a weekly basis. If not, her name will suddenly disappear from the site as if she never existed...

We hope to entertain at least a few people out there with our daily musings, and we promise at least one new post a day, because we figure that by setting the bar extremely low that we can exceed expectations on a daily basis. Plus, since we all have real, honest-to-God day jobs, there may be some days that only have one new post.

So, if you like what we're doing, let us know, and if you don't, let us know that, too. Vote in the weekly poll and keep coming back, because although we're essentially doing this for ourselves, we like it when people show up and read what we've been musing on.

Tonight's TV Battle

2008-05-27T16:24:00.000-04:00

Considering that my Memorial Day weekend was stolen from me by some damned bacteria or virus, I hardly got to watch any television at all. That doesn't mean that there isn't anything on TV tonight, though. Boy, I tell you what! You could watch the boys from Deadliest Catch (Discovery, 9) attempt to get their crab back alive for offloading, or catch the completely insane try to win money on Moment of Truth (Fox, 8). This show has to be the worst show on all of television as it truly shows the absolute worst of our society completely pimp themselves out for money. If anyone, anywhere has any defense whatsoever for this show, I'd like to hear it.

In the world of sports, you've got...

MLB Baseball: Dodgers at Cubs, ESPN, 9
NBA Playoffs: Western Conference finals, Game 4, Spurs at Lakers, TNT, 9

There might be a WNBA game on somewhere, but frankly, I really don't care.

(all times eastern)

Bulls Beware...

2008-05-27T16:00:00.000-04:00

The Chicago Bulls may want to do a little more leg work on this draft pick than they did last year when selecting Joakim Noah. Not sure who was in charge of that process, but he's not looking to smart so far. In a SHOCKING development, Noah was arrested for marijuana possession and open container when visiting his old stomping grounds of the University of Florida.

When it was discovered the beverage was Hennessy cognac, Noah was taken to an area police station, where one cannabis cigarette was discovered inside a cigarette package in Noah's pants.

In my opinion this is hardly newsworthy, because I honestly think this is happening every night, where ever Noah is. And I for one am fine with it. Don't you remember what happens if the kid doesn't have his nightly weed and cognac?

Truly horrifying. But this SHOULD however be the latest chapter in a cautionary tale for the Bulls front office, that somehow didn't see any red flags with Noah before taking him in last years draft.

Vince Young: Man of Integrity

2008-05-27T13:43:00.003-04:00

Vince Young recently revealed that he almost retired after his rookie season. He said the game "wasn't fun anymore" and he almost gave it up.

He says he prayed a bunch and decided he needed to be a role model. He said he was motivated by guys like Michael Vick, Pacman Jones and other notable character guys like rappers Lil Wayne and T.I. That's what made him decide that he needed to stick with it.

I think that's just great. It had nothing to do with all the damn money he would lose if he retired. Nothing at all to do with the $12.3M option bonus due to him in his second year. Or the other $50M due over the life of your rookie contract. Not to mention the other money you would lose from endorsements, future contracts, etc.

Nice job Vince. You are my role model. I commend you for deciding to keep being a millionaire rather than working as a bouncer at a strip club in Houston. Although I guess that job wouldn't be too bad either.

Tonight's TV Battle

2008-05-23T16:07:00.001-04:00

As I said last week, I'm not much of a Friday night TV viewer. That being said, I did notice that Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill is coming on tonight (BBC America, 8), and I highly recommend it. Even though it's a dude in women's clothing, he's hilarious. Yes, he wears makeup too. But he's an action transvestite! Stop judging me!

In the alternative, you could catch yet another American Idol clone in Can You Duet (CMT, 8). Instead of one person singing pop songs, you'll witness teams of two people singing country songs! The excitement is palpable. If you'd rather hasten your own death, tune into Shot at Love with Tila Tequila (MTV, 9), where a tiny Asian woman is courted by desperate men and women, and pray that a giant boulder crushes them all before your blood pressure reaches the point where your head explodes.

In the world of sports, you've got...

Women's Softball: NCAA Super Regional, Oklahoma at Arizona, ESPN, 7:30
Auto Racing: World of Outlaws, Charlotte, Speed, 8
NBA Playoffs: Western Conference finals, Game 2, Spurs at Lakers, TNT, 9
UFC Fight Night: Tito Ortiz-Ken Shamrock 3, Spike, 9

(all times eastern)

Monkey Butlers of the Week

2008-05-23T14:45:00.005-04:00

And now, our weekly awards...

Heartwarming Story of the Week: Jon Lester, Boston Red Sox. After beating cancer last year, the durable Lester delivered a Hallmark-type ending to his return to the big leagues by pitching a no-hitter against the Kansas City Royals on Monday night. His victory has inspired cancer patients everywhere.

Best Minor League Baseball Promotion: Fresno Grizzlies, AAA affiliate of the San Francisco Giants. They had a totally rad '80s night and invited Johnny from Karate Kid to show up and participate, and participate he did! Sweep the leg!!!

Best Use of Non-Approved Sports Equipment: Kris Draper, Detroit Red Wings. Draper scored a goal off of his chin in the Red Wings' 4-1 series clincher over the Dallas Stars that sent the Red Wings to the Stanley Cup Finals. Said Draper: "This assist was beautiful. Nice saucer pass right off my chin and in. I had three teeth that weren't in the place they usually are. We'll talk about that one later." You gotta love hockey players. (Also, we encourage you to play the Detroit Free Press' "Whack-a-Penguin" game. Who says hockey isn't fun anymore?)

Worst Time to Forget a Huge Gambling Loss: Charles Barkely, TNT commentator. Barkley earlier this week claimed that he "forgot" about $400,000 in markers owed to the Wynn casino. Right. Kind of like how I forget about the $5 in my left front pants pocket and the 47 cents in change in my right front pants pocket.

Best Impression of a 1940's-era NBA Game: Boston and Cleveland. They fought to a 74-69 Cleveland victory last Friday night in a game that likely set the NBA back 60 years. The teams combined to shoot 36% from the field, commit 41 fouls and turn the ball over 32 times. Yuck.

Worst Baseball Fantasy Start of the Week: Mike Mussina, Yankees. Mussina went a paltry 2/3 of an inning against Baltimore on Tuesday night, giving up 7 runs (somehow only 1 was earned), 5 hits and 2 walks. His statline for the night: 1K, 13.5 ERA, 10.5 WHIP. Thanks a lot.

Save of the Week: Edwin van der Sar, Manchester United. The ManU goalkeeper blocked the shot of Chelsea's Nicholas Anelka, giving ManU the victory on penalty kicks, 6-5. I don't care what anyone says: soccer can be exciting.

And now, your non-sports related YouTube video of the week:

Where are they now?

2008-05-23T12:12:00.005-04:00

Today's selection was prompted by last night's Pistons win. It made me think back a few years to the 1989 Pistons team that won the title. Then it made me think one year further back to the 'Cowboy State' of Wyoming and the sharpshooter named Fennis Dembo!

Dembo is my hero for a couple reasons. First, he survived growing up with a name that sounds like either a drunk or a crazy clown...or maybe a drunk, crazy clown. And, he was one of only four black guys in the entire state of Wyoming. That's kinda cool.

Second, Fennis knows when to quit. He was a 2nd round draft pick after a legendary career at Wyoming. He averaged over 27ppg in the NCAA tournament leading the Cowboys to the Sweet 16. He 'led' (jokes people!) the Pistons to the NBA title and said 'That's it bitches, I'm out!'

Fennis was quoted a couple years ago and seems to think people still remember him. Dembo said, "I still hear a lot of it. People enjoy talking about it. You go to Cancun and people recognize you. I just went down to Progreso, Mexico, over the weekend, and a guy remembered the UCLA game."

I'm calling bullshit on that one Fennis. Seriously? You are trying to tell me some townie in Mexico was tuned in when you played a game in 1988 and remembers it? Nah, I doubt it.

Anyway, supposedly Fennis lives in San Antonio. I'm sure he's a legend there too.

Sure Fennis, whatever.

Uh Oh: Big Three's Quest for Immortality Somewhat Derailed

2008-05-23T11:31:00.004-04:00

Ok, I know--it's just one game in a seven-game playoff series. I get that.

But did anyone else get sort of a feeling of inevitability watching last night's Pistons-Celtics game? Kind of like how the Pistons "workmanliked" their way into a win on Boston's home floor, something neither the Hawks nor the Cavs were able to do this postseason? That the Hawks and Cavs were merely pretenders and now the Celtics might be in a wee bit of trouble with the Pistons?

Maybe so, but it's not all that bad. The series is still tied 1-1. It's turned into a best-of-five situation, and even though the Celtics have been unable to win a game away from home this postseason, they were never in a position where they had to win those road games. They always took care of business at home, until now. Now, when they have to, they can focus and win one out of three in Detroit, right?

Judging by the postgame quotes, they sure do sound like they've been thrown for a loop. Take Ray Allen, for example, who said last night that "We just put ourselves in a position where we’ve put our backs up against the wall."

Really? Backs against the wall, eh? You aren't down 3-1, Ray. Or 2-1 with Game 4 coming up on the road. Those are "backs against the wall" moments. Not 1-1 in a seven game series. Even Coach Doc Rivers, who is making his case for worst coach of the 2008 playoffs (I mean, Sam Cassell didn't even play last night! You want me to believe that Rajon Rondo, all two years of experience, is somehow a better option than Sam Cassell? In 41 minutes, Rondo shot 2-of-9; he had good assist and rebound numbers, but jeez...doesn't Sam Cassell even get a sniff in the fourth quarter?) got into the act: "There has to be a different sense of urgency now, a desperation." Desperation? Really? I can see now where your focus and attitude might shift a bit, but doesn't it seem like the Celtics are already sounding their own death knell, when all they've done is put themselves at 1-1 in the Eastern Conference finals?

Even Paul Pierce seemed to be having trouble convincing himself that the Celtics were not in a do-or-die situation: "I don’t think it’s really bothering us, like, psychologically."

Like, you think?

I've been saying all along that this Celtics team was not as good as people thought it was (ask Hobson, he'll tell you). I said about three months ago that with their lineup, they darn well better win 60+ games in the Eastern Conference, because the Eastern Conference sucks. It's inferior to the Western Conference, where real basketball is played.

But I digress. The writing, I say, has been and is now once again already on the wall: the Celtics are who I thought they were. They're uncomfortable away from home (good luck winning a championship without winning on the road) and they're already talking like they will fold like a cheap tent should the Pistons win game three in Detroit. The Celtics may prove me wrong and keep Hobson's hope for a Lakers-Celtics old school final alive, but I think that they've already got one foot out the mental door. A loss Saturday in Detroit, and that series is over.

Sayeth Ray Allen: "Urgency and desperation. Those are two good words to use.”

Yahoo Sports: Boston's Big Three Exposed After Home Loss

JoePa, you're a crusty old fart...but I think I love you!

2008-05-23T08:59:00.009-04:00

So I've always had respect for Joe Paterno, but not a lot of love. I think he's a legendary coach, but always seemed like a crotchety old man. I have no idea if that's how you spell that...maybe it's crotch-itty. That seems funny.

Anyway, back to the point. Today's espn.com article about JoePa talks about how he thinks all the excuses for not having a college football playoff are crap. So we have that in common. Other than that, I also have an affinity for black shoes with white socks and hair tonic...but that's for my fashion column.

The best part about the article to me is his disdain of the giant screwjob pulled on Auburn in 2004:

Paterno has not voted in the coaches' poll since 2004, when he wanted to vote for undefeated Auburn but was forced to vote for Southern California after it won the BCS title game.
"They said, 'Well, you've got to vote or else you can't participate.' So I will not participate in the voting," Paterno said. "Not that I'm against what other people want to do, it's just that philosophically I think you ought to win it on the field. If I have to vote for somebody only because people have said these are the two teams that ought to be in the BCS championship game and I think they left somebody out that probably ought to be in it, that's when I'll feel a playoff ought to be appropriate. I've always been for a playoff."

So, thanks Joe. For your fashion sense AND your common sense, I salute you!

Linky to the full article

Tonight's TV Battle

2008-05-22T15:57:00.001-04:00

To fill the massive void left by the departure of American Idol, Fox trots out another season of So You Think You Can Dance, which I've heard is Idol for dancers (Fox, 8). I'm pretty sure that Dance starts off the same as Idol, with audition episodes featuring people that clearly cannot dance, so that might be entertaining.

Since all of their comedies are now done for the season, NBC turns to it's in-house cockroach of Deal or No Deal (NBC, 8). Seriously...how is this show still on? It's morons randomly picking briefcases! It's hosted by Howie "The Germaphobe" Mandel! Perhaps Chuck Norris from Walker, Texas Ranger (Hallmark, 8) could do us all a favor and come out of retirement to karate-chop Deal back to hell.

In the world of sports, you've got...

NASCAR: Coca-Cola 600 qualifying, Speed, 7
NBA Playoffs: Eastern Conference finals, Detroit at Boston, Game 2, ESPN, 8:30
Motocross: Moto X World Championships, Deuce, 8:30

(all times eastern)

Mr. Big 12 commish, I take back some of those bad things...

2008-05-22T13:41:00.003-04:00

Dear Mr. Big 12 Commish -

I take back a couple of those things I said about the football played in your conference. Not all, but a few. All those things I said about Choke-lahoma are still true though and we both know it. If it wasn't for Vince Young's legs, you would still be crying over your string of BCS blowouts over the past decade.

However, I appreciate your recent comments about the stupidity of redshirts in football.

Sincerely,

Cadbury

Finally, someone with a real chance to be heard made some sane points about redshirting football players. I think it's dumb and always have (well, since I got old enough to know the difference).

Redshirts in football are half the reason kids fail out early, transfer, quit and go home, etc. They come in with three universes worth of sunshine pumped up their ass from every coach in the country...only to be told 'um, yeah, you aren't playing this year...but work hard and get your ass beat by the upperclassmen on Tuesdays.'

We already have limits on how many kids can dress for games, so why do we need redshirts? Just give them 5 years to play 5 seasons. Most regular kids can't get out of school in 4 years anyway, and all they have to do is go to class hungover a few days a week and cash daddy's checks. Football players are rare that can balance it all and graduate 'on time'.

I bet some of those unhappy former 'all-world' recruits would be at least a little more content if they get to dress out and run down on a couple kick cover teams. Coaches would be more inclined to play them a little if they knew it wasn't burning an entire year of their development.

All the garbage about academics is crap, we all know the NCAA doesn't give 2-shits about academics when it comes to D-1 football...oh, sorry, 'Football Bowl Subdivision'. My bad. The NCAA wants the cash from the TV contracts and that's about it.

So, thanks Mr. Big 12 commish...finally some sanity from a conference I normally could care less about. Well, if you were the Big 10 I would care less...but that's about it.

Linky to the ESPN article

You Do NOT Want to Mess With Albert Pujols

2008-05-22T12:11:00.005-04:00

Not only did the St. Louis Cardinals defeat the San Diego Padres last night, but Cards 1B Albert Pujols was responsible for knocking out two Padres players in the same inning.

First, Pujols was batting in the top of the third with 1 out and two on. He reached out and lined a ball straight back up the middle that bounced off of Padres' pitcher Chris Young's face (see video below). OUCH. Young was down on the field for several minutes and finally was able to walk off under his own power, bloodied and bruised. It looked like the ball broke Young's nose.

Then, later in the inning, Pujols was sliding into home (he was safe) when his front foot collided with Padres catcher Josh Bard's foot. The result? A sprained ankle for Bard, who had to be helped from the field.

For his part, Pujols was pretty shaken up over what happened:

"It bothers you, because you don't want to hit somebody and mess with somebody's career," Pujols said. "It's the same as a pitcher throwing to you in the head, or a ball coming at your head. You don't want anything to happen like that. It can pretty much ruin your career."

"How many times does that happen?" Pujols wondered. "In one inning, two guys get hurt by one player. It was a tough night. I'm excited we got the win, but I'm kind of bummed. Hopefully they don't lose Josh for a long time."

If I were an employee of the Padres today, I'd be commissioning an investigation so as to ascertain who pissed Pujols off. The guy is already a freak of nature; now he's just toying with his opponents, picking them off one by one. The National League better beware.

And now, the video:

MLB.com: Pujols Shaken by Padres Injuries

Kobe Again Tries New Strategy; Again, Lakers Win

2008-05-22T09:17:00.002-04:00

Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers erased a 20-point third quarter deficit and came back to beat the San Antonio Spurs last night, 89-85, in the first game of the Western Conference finals. Unlike last week when Kobe decided not to shoot in the fourth quarter of a game against the Jazz, Bryant this time decided not to shoot for essentially the entire first half (he scored a whopping 2 points on three shots). Kobe, however, was calm, cool & collected after the win:

Bryant insisted he was "Just managing the game."

"Defensively is where we slipped. I've had games or halves when I've done that and we had a 15-point lead."

Sounding a little sensitive to how he'll be criticized equally for shooting too much or too little, he said if the Lakers hadn't played better defense to accompany his late scoring burst, "Everybody would be talking about I shot us out of the game. Defense is where it gets down."

Either way, Kobe's Houdini impression in the first half was just plain weird to this Lakers fan. Maybe he has become the penultimate poker player, the NBA's version of a Doyle Brunson, sitting back and determining the suckers at the table (Bruce Bowen, et al), and then unleashing a barrage of offense that he knows they cannot handle.

Of course, the Spurs did sit on the tarmac in New Orleans for something like seven hours after their win over the Hornets on Monday night, so they might have been a tad bit tired and cranky. One would think that a 20 point cushion with a quarter-and-a-half of basketball left would've been enough to insure the win. As Kobe Bryant showed, however, there may be no lead that's safe when he's on the court.

Daily Dime: Lakers Rally Past Spurs

Tonight's TV Battle

2008-05-21T16:01:00.002-04:00

In case you haven't already decided that there's no possible way that David Cook isn't the next American Idol, I guess you might want to tune into the live finale tonight (Fox, 8). It's two hours and will feature more corporate pimping than a NASCAR event.

Other options include the Price is Right Million Dollar Challenge (CBS, 8), where someone has an infinitesimally small chance of winning $1M, and Al Diablo con los Guapos (Univision, 8), a program in Spanish that involves Mexicans.

In the world of sports, you've got...

MLB: Mets at Braves, ESPN, 7
UEFA Champions League Soccer: Final, Chelsea vs. Manchester United, Deuce, 7 (replay)
NBA Playoffs: Western Conference finals, Spurs at Lakers, Game 1, TNT, 9

(all times Eastern)

What's your plan for Fall 2011?

2008-05-21T11:48:00.004-04:00

Well, you might as well start planning ahead for Fall 2011 if you are one of the millions of die-hard NFL fans. Personally, I only use the NFL as a hangover remedy on Sundays after college games...but I know tons of big NFL fans that will be very bored on September 4, 2011.

Yep, the NFL owners have opted out of the Collective Bargaining Agreement. Now they go back to the drawing board and try to hammer out another one.

Do you feel optimistic that a bunch of old, greedy millionaires can find common ground with a bunch of young, greedy millionaires?

I don't.

The owners complain about labor costs. They complain about rookie pool. They complain that they can't recoup lost bonus money when they knowingly draft a shithead player with prior legal problems who gets arrested a dozen times over two years.

Yet they don't seem to complain when an average Joe spends an inordinate amount of his salary just for the OPTION to buy seats to a game...much less the ridiculous amount of money it costs to actually attend. They don't complain about the billions in TV revenue that's flowing their direction.

The players complain about the salary cap. They complain about free-agency rules. They complain about the salary cap. Oh wait, I said that one.

Well if you don't think that will be the sticking point in negotiations...you are kidding yourself. Yes, the NBA has a cap...but it's sky-high considering they pay 12 guys. The MLB has a 'luxury tax' system...or whatever stupid creation they want to call it. But it's not a cap when one team spends $250M on their roster and another rolls up the change from the couch to afford a shitty, late-30's infielder with no gas left in the tank (I'm talking to you, Mark Grudzielanek).

Take this quote from NFLPA boss Gene Upshaw..."I'm not going to sell the players on a cap again. Once we go through the cap, why should we agree to it again?"

So, NFL fans, go ahead and start planning on a lot of yard work, painting the house or whatever else your wife has on your agenda. Your Sundays are screwed.

ESPN article about this mess

American Idol Goes All Rocky On Us

2008-05-21T09:47:00.000-04:00

So TV's number one show, in an attempt to "keep it fresh" (as the kids say), rolled out the boxing theme last night. As the theme from Rocky played, Michael Buffer introduced the two finalists, David Cook and David Archuleta, each of whom was clad in a boxing robe and wearing boxing gloves. David Cook looked completely at home, going along with the bit (as he has with most inane Idol skits this year). Meanwhile, Archuleta looked like the band geek that accidentally went out for football one year, realized what he was doing, and then started uncontrolably shitting himself.

As everyone knows around here, I'm an unabashed American Idol fan. While I realize that this also might make me a dweeb in some circles, it is the most popular show in America. But, does dressing the two final contestants in boxing garb, trotting out Michael Buffer and having freakin' Jim Lampley of all people dissect the "bout" officially mean that AI has jumped the shark?

Oh, and for the record: David Cook will win.

Tonight's TV Battle

2008-05-20T15:58:00.002-04:00

Well, we've finally reached the end of the long road that is American Idol (Fox, 8). Tonight we watch the representation of the forces of good, David Cook, battle the evil incarnate that is David Archuleta. Each contestant will be singing three songs--one from Clive Davis, one from some sort of online poll thingie, and another of their own choosing. One can only hope that good triumphs over evil.

After Idol, tune on over to Discovery at 9 for an all-new episode of Deadliest Catch and watch grizzled men captain giant fishing boats while drinking coffee & Red Bull and smoking an average of three-and-a-half packs of cigarettes per show. (Ed. note: Seriously, I love this show. I watch it every week.)

In the world of sports, you've got...

NBA: Draft Lottery, ESPN, 8
MLB: Cubs at Astros, WGN, 8
Motocross: Moto X World Championships, Deuce, 8
NBA Playoffs: Eastern Conference finals, Detroit at Boston, Game 1, ESPN, 8:30

(all times eastern)

Barkley Ponies Up; Swears Off Gambling

2008-05-20T13:27:00.006-04:00

It appears that gambling everyman Charles Barkley has finally paid off that pesky $400K gambling debt to the Wynn casino in Las Vegas and, what's more, he has apparently sworn off gambling:

“Just because I can afford to lose money don’t mean I should do it,” Barkley, a TNT analyst, said during an interview on the cable network before Game 7 of the Spurs-Hornets series.

Of course, it wasn't for sure that Barkley had even paid the debt:

Soon after Barkley made his remarks, press officers for the Clark County district attorney in Nevada and the casino could not verify that he had paid the debt or, possibly, a 10 percent penalty.

I'm pretty sure that Barkley's paid the debt, but I've got to say that it wouldn't shock me all that much if he hadn't and was just saying that he had. After all, this is the same Barkley who claimed last week that he had forgotten about the $400K debt.

I don't know about this one. If Barkley has the money and enjoys spending it by gambling it away, what's the harm? It's like a guy who saves his money and buys monkey figurines off of eBay or the woman who risks her life to save cats--if you've got the time and money and are paying your bills, there's no harm in what you do with your cash. It's your money, right? It sounds to me as if Barkley doesn't have the money to be gambling like he does and is just trying to save face.

Plus, who honestly believes that Barkley is going to quit gambling? Anyone?

NY Times: Barkley Swears Off Gambling

Tim Duncan and the Spurs Live to Fight Another Day

2008-05-20T11:47:00.004-04:00

After a ridiculous three day layoff, the San Antonio Spurs did what only the Los Angeles Lakers and the Detroit Pistons were able to do in the conference semifinals of the NBA playoffs: win a game on the road. Their reward: the Lakers in the Western Conference finals.

Tim Duncan scored 16 points on only 5-of-17 shooting, but he was 6-of-6 from the free throw line and pulled down 14 rebounds. Manu Ginobili scored 26 points and had five assists. For the Hornets, Chris Paul scored 18 points, dished out 14 assists and had 8 rebounds in a losing effort.

Despite the home teams' dominance in this round of the playoffs, conventional wisdom was that the experience of the playoff-tested Spurs would eventually come to bear in Game 7, which was actually a close game in the final minutes, unlike the other six games of the series, which were all essentially blowouts.

Tony Parker revealed after the game that the Spurs had their bags packed and would be going straight to Los Angeles to prepare for the first game of their series with the Lakers, which tips off Wednesday night on TNT. I'm picking the Lakers in six. On TNT's postgame show, Charles Barkley said that the current Lakers team is better than any of the Shaq-Kobe championship teams from earlier this decade. So, we know which team Chuck is betting on! (Ed. note: Or, you know, not betting on; see post later today.)

Jon Lester Throws No-Hitter; Fantasy Players Everywhere Lament

2008-05-20T08:54:00.004-04:00

Jon Lester of the Boston Red Sox through a no-hitter last night against the Kansas City Royals, and I for one am gnashing my teeth. I considered picking up Lester on my fantasy team on Sunday afternoon but decided against it.

Just another example of how I'm squarely in line for worst GM of the year.

Lester's accomplishment is even more impressive when you consider that he missed the end of the 2006 season after being diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Lester was asked which was more special, helping the Red Sox win the 2007 World Series or the no-hitter:

Lester and Varitek were mobbed by teammates running out of the dugout as the speakers played “Tessie,” the victory anthem the Red Sox adopted through two World Series titles in four seasons. Lester was instrumental in the second, less than a year after chemotherapy cured his cancer, when he earned the victory in Game 4 at Colorado to complete the Red Sox sweep.

“I can’t tell you which one means more to me than the other,” Lester said. “The World Series is, obviously, the World Series. How many people get to say they’ve won that? And a no-hitter is a no-hitter. How many people can say they’ve done that?

“So they’re both up there. They both mean a heck of a lot to me, and something I’ll cherish for a long time.”

Lester only gave up two walks and threw a total of 130 pitches and recorded 9 strikeouts. Here's hoping that the insane Jonathan Papelbon didn't do anything ridiculous to Lester in the postgame celebration.

Dear Season Ticket Holder...F*** Off!!! - The Story of the Detroit Lions

2008-05-20T08:29:00.007-04:00

Well, it seems that the Detroit Lions have a unique program designed for some of their most loyal fans. If you are a faithful season ticket holder and have a question about your seats, it's likely you may get a response normally thought to be reserved for a rival team.

Kevin Furlong, Detroit Lions fan. That already sounds like a guy who is a glutton for punishment. But when Kevin wrote the Lions with an issue related to his tickets, he received this (supposedly inadvertent) response.

"...Mark was asked to speak to these people and he said no. F... 'em until next year."

This email has to reflect the way Lions fans have felt for their entire existence, but especially since Matt Millen and his band of merry retards has been in charge...

Lions Say: F--- 'Em All!

Tonight's TV Battle

2008-05-19T15:59:00.003-04:00

Well, the folks over at Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 8) have their final competition round tonight, which I assume means that someone will be forced to "walk the plank" by having to play Dance Dance Revolution until their legs fall off. Miami Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor is still in the competition, and you just know that somewhere Bill Parcells is grumbling. In an interview recently with ESPN, Taylor said that he hadn't spoken with Parcells about doing the show and that, in essence, the most important thing to him was being known for his acting in ten years. Sounds exactly like a Parcells guy to me!

Following Dancing is yet another incarnation of The Bachelorette (ABC, 9). I'm assuming that the people that watch these shows are the types that touch hot stoves time and time again or repeatedly stick forks into light sockets. If you're craving musclebound meatheads wailing on ordinary citizens, you'll have to be content with American Gladiators (NBC, 8).

In the world of sports, you've got...

MLB: Cubs at Astros, ESPN, 7
NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs: Detroit at Dallas, Versus, 8
Arena Football: Los Angeles at Chicago, Deuce, 8
NBA Playoffs: San Antonio at New Orleans, Game 7 (FINALLY), TNT, 8:30

(all times eastern)

This is Your Average, Typical WNBA Fan

2008-05-19T14:36:00.004-04:00

I know, I know...two posts mentioning the WNBA in one day. But, to drive home the point I made earlier, I present for your viewing pleasure a video of the typical WNBA fan:

I think that says it all. As a matter of fact, from now on, whenever anyone mentions the WNBA to me, I'm going to commandeer the nearest iPhone and show them this video.

The Triple Crown is Alive Yet Again

2008-05-19T13:11:00.004-04:00

For the fourth time in the last seven years (but first since 2004), horse racing has its first shot at a Triple Crown winner heading into the Belmont Stakes. Big Brown (the horse, not the truck) won the Preakness Saturday in commanding fashion against what was widely considered to be a field of sacrificial lambs. So, the question is, will Big Brown be able to become the first Triple Crown winner since Affirmed in '78? Or will he go the route of Real Quiet ('98), Charismatic ('99), War Emblem ('02), Funny Cide ('03) and Smarty Jones ('04) and fail in the Belmont?

The closest any of those horses got to winning the Belmont was Real Quiet, who lost by a nose, and Smarty Jones, who lost by a length. Considering Charasmatic was leading in the final furlong and then broke his leg (and still somehow finished third), it's obviously not easy for a horse to win the Belmont after winning the first two legs of the Triple Crown.

But, I think Big Brown's got a shot. After all, he uses PEDs--you know, performance enhancing drugs. Big Brown's trainer, Rick Dutrow, Jr., confirmed the fact last week to the New York Daily News:

"I give all my horses Winstrol on the 15th of every month," Dutrow told the newspaper. "If (authorities) say I can't use it anymore, I won't."

Winstrol, also known as Stanozolol, is legal in 28 of 38 states with horse racing - including Kentucky, Maryland and New York, where the final race in the triple crown, the Belmont Stakes, will be contested next month.

So, like Barry Bonds before him, the great stallion lumbers along towards history. Much has been made of a horse from Japan named Casino Drive that is entered in the Belmont and is expected to challenge Big Brown. Here's Dutrow's take on how his horse matches up with the Japanese import:

"All the Japanese people...thought Godzilla was dead,” he said. “They’re going to find out he’s not dead. He’s here.”

Dutrow also loves his horse. LOVES him:

"Look at him," Dutrow said to NBC reporter Bob Neumeier. "He's in between two ponies. He loves it."

Dutrow cackled.

"He's like me at Scores!"

One thing's for sure: Dutrow's not short on confidence.

One big problem for Casino Drive is that in Japan, steroids have been banned in horse racing. As they have been in all of Europe, South Africa, Dubai, Australia and in ten states in the U.S. (albeit still legal in those states for "therapeutic purposes").

The same concerns for steroid use among horses seems to be the same as that amongst humans: muscles grow too big for the ligaments, tendons & bones to handle. This is especially worrisome for horses as the size of the bones in a horse's legs are severely disproportionate to the overall size of the horse. It'd be like Barry Bonds playing with tinker toys for legs. (Ok, maybe not that bad, but you get the picture.) As such, catastrophic injury is a legitimate concern. However, Eight Belles suffered just such an injury at the end of the Kentucky Derby, but no steroids or other drugs were found in her system. That doesn't mean that she hadn't had those drugs injected into her in the past, but her trainer, Larry Jones, has been vehenement in his denials that he never uses any PEDs on his horses. Catastrophic injuries are part of horse racing; Eight Belles proved that. But does it make sense to possibly exacerbate the problem by introducing outside influences such as steroids into the picture? Are the risks worth the possible reward?

Rick Dutrow thinks so.

One thing Casino Drive's got going for him is that two of his siblings, Rags to Riches and Jazil, won the last two Belmont Stakes. Casino Drive may have only run in two races in his entire career (and only one on U.S. soil, a win), but he's got a hell of a pedigree going for him.

In essence, you've got a steroid-laced colt running wild against all-comers, one of whom has been seemingly bred for the longer length of the Belmont. Big Brown's margin of victory in the Kentucky Derby against a much better field was identical to the one he laid on the weak field at Pimlico: five lengths. So, assuming he doesn't go all Charismatic on us, he's got a good shot at winning the Triple Crown. Unless, of course, Casino Drive goes all Mothra and knocks off Godzilla.

ESPN: Preakness laugher leaves Big Brown in line for glory

The Wacky NBA Playoff Schedule

2008-05-19T09:01:00.000-04:00

Thanks to calculations likely inspired by the hallucinations of wunderkind mathematician John Nash from A Beautiful Mind, the San Antonio Spurs and New Orleans Hornets will play Game 7 of their Western Conference semifinal series tonight after a refreshing three days off. They played game six last Thursday night and, for some reason, the NBA eschewed the natural logic of having Game 7 on Sunday (as part of a doubleheader with Game 7 of the Boston and Cleveland series), or even on Saturday (more on that below).

For the past several years, it seems as if the NBA playoff series have followed sort of natural progression: teams either played on Sunday, Wednesday & Friday or Tuesday, Thursday & Saturday (or even on a Monday-Wednesday-Saturday schedule). Sundays seemed to always be the home of pivotal Game sevens. Even this season, that routine seems to have been followed to some degree; for example, the Lakers-Jazz series started on Sunday, May 4, and Games 2 & 3 were on the successive Wednesday and Friday. Game 4 was on the following Sunday, May 11th, and Games 5 & 6 were on the next Wednesday and Friday.

Except that this year, had the Lakers been unable to close out the Jazz in Game 6 on Friday, they would be playing their Game 7 tonight, instead of Sunday.

Huh? Oh right--TNT. It's not the NBA that's driving the scheduling but the TV contracts with TNT and ESPN/ABC. Since TNT carries the majority of the playoff games leading up to the NBA Finals (and has exclusivity on one conference, usually the Western Conference), a lot of the games simply aren't aired on Saturday or Sunday afternoon because TNT shows most of their games at night. Instead of going up against a strong Sunday evening broadcast lineup, I guess TNT would rather have their games on a weeknight or Saturday night.

On the contrary, over on ESPN/ABC, the Celtics and the Cavs played on the natural schedule: last Monday, Wednesday, Friday AND Sunday. It isn't like these playoff schedules are made on the fly, from game to game, so one has to wonder why there is such a disparity in the scheduling of the games. It would seem that if the NBA was trying to build brand identity, they would always want to showcase some games on the same days of the week. Two Game 7s yesterday would've been very easy to promote and market to the fan base, but due to the wackiness of the TV contracts, the NBA end up in a situation where they must hope that more people will look and find the Spurs/Hornets series on a Monday night rather than a calm, lazy Sunday afternoon.

Another issue is the NBA's insistence on promoting the WNBA. In case you didn't notice, there were no games scheduled at all for this past Saturday. Why? Well, the WNBA had it's season opener that day. Woo-hoo! WNBA basketball: Expect Great.

Right.

David Stern and the other honchos over at the NBA have to realize that no average NBA fan cares anything whatsoever for the WNBA. The fan bases just aren't the same and they never will be. Instead of derailing the momentum created so far by an exciting NBA playoffs, the NBA could have scheduled a doubleheader for Saturday and had the Celtics-Cavs game followed by the WNBA opener. Then they could've promoted the ever-living fool out of the WNBA and might've gotten four or five extra people to watch the game.

Either way, all of this is bad for the game. If David Stern is listening, maybe he ought to consider the marketing of the NBA brand and address these issues soon as the TV contracts for both TNT and ABC/ESPN end this year.

Tonight's TV Battle

2008-05-16T16:00:00.001-04:00

I don't watch much "regular" television on Friday nights, so I'm flying blind here. According to the fancy TV listings over at TVGuide.com, there's a show called Ghost Whisperer coming on CBS at 8. The show stars the eminently viewable Jennifer Love Hewitt as some sort of person who whispers to ghosts. She's one of those actresses that never had what I call a "Britney Meltdown" and either went batshit crazy and shaved her head and/or posed nude in Playboy. I'm kind of bitter about that. (Ed. note: The movie 'Can't Hardly Wait' is one of the most underrated movies of all time. Just saying.)

In the world of sports, you've got...

NBA Playoffs: Boston at Cleveland, Game 6, ESPN, 8
NASCAR: Craftsman Truck Series, Speed, 8
UFC: Fight Night, Spike, 9
NBA Playoffs: Lakers at Jazz, Game 6, ESPN, 10:30

(all times eastern)

Monkey Butlers of the Week

2008-05-16T12:00:00.006-04:00

Worst Impression of a Giddy Schoolgirl: Mike Tirico, ESPN/ABC. His gushing over the two kids from High School Musical, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, sitting near the press table during Game 4 of the Lakers-Jazz series. I don't know if Tirico has kids or if he was just that fired up about being so close to a Disney star that has nude pics floating around the Internet. Cross-promotion at its finest!

Best Use of a Batted Ball: Asdrubal Cabrera, Cleveland Indians. He turned an unassisted triple play against the Toronto Blue Jays. It was only the 14th unassisted triple play in MLB history (including the playoffs). To put this in perspective, there have been more perfect games (16) in history than unassisted triple plays. Also, another Cleveland player, Neal Ball, turned the first unassisted triple play in MLB history way back in 19-ought-9.

Worst Use of an Open Wheel Racecar: Danica Patrick, IRL driver. Danica ran over poor Chuck Buckman, Chief Mechanic for Dale Coyne Racing, during practice for the neverending time trials/practice/qualifying/pole qualifying for the Indianapolis 500. Actually, she didn't run over him as much as knock him over her car. Buckman landed on his head and neck, rendering him unconscious, and he suffered a skull fracture and cuts to his face. Good news, though, as he was released from the hospital and sent home to continue his recovery.

Worst Time to Impersonate Rasheed Wallace: David West, New Orleans Hornets. Shortly into the third quarter of Game Six of the Western Conference semifinals, West was called for an offensive foul, his fourth. Did Tim Duncan flop? Most likely. Did West lower his shoulder and extend his left arm as he backed Duncan down? Looked like it. Had the Hornets just had what seemed like ten fouls called on them in a matter of a few minutes? Seemed that way. Did the Hornets need West to go 'Sheed postal and pick up a technical? Absolutely not. The Hornets imploded and the lead grew from 7 to 15 by the end of the third quarter. Then, to add injury to insult, Robert Horry set a vicious pick and West went down with a back injury at the beginning of the fourth quarter (he reaggravated an old pinched nerve injury). The result? A 99-80 Spurs win and a Game 7 on Monday.

Best Cy Young Impression: Cliff Lee, Cleveland Indians. Even though these are weekly awards, we have to recognize Lee because we've only been in existence for a week. His stat line so far this season: 6-0, .67 ERA, .67 WHIP. That's just ridiculous.

Most Ridiculous Wardrobe for a TV Personality: Don Cherry, hockey announcer. His appearances on ESPN have introduced America to the Canadian Liberace. Good Lord.

Honorary Monkey Butler of the Week: H.G. "Buzz" Bissinger. You, sir, are part of our namesake, and the fact that we found the notion of you owning a monkey butler to be comical led to the title of this site. Thank you for your angry bluster.

Non-Sports Related YouTube Video of the Week: Bill O'Reilly, when he was working on Inside Edition. Classic.

Charles Barkley: Living the Life of a Gambler

2008-05-16T08:30:00.000-04:00

The recent revelation that Charles Barkley owes a Las Vegas casino $400,000 in unpaid gambling debts is not that shocking. Nor is his explanation of the situation:

"My mistake," Barkley said in an interview at a pro-am golf tournament in Hoover, Ala. "I'm not broke, and I'm going to take care of it."

"I've been gambling 20 years. I've never had this happen before," the 45-year-old Barkley told WJOX. "It's my fault I let the time lapse. I screwed up...All they had to do is call and say, 'Hey, you owe us this money.'"

You see, the casino in question, the Wynn Las Vegas, advanced Barkley four $100,000 markers, i.e., loans, which he used to gamble with at the casino. The Wynn claims that they gave the markers to Barkley back in October 2007; he claims that the debt results from a lost wager on the 2008 Super Bowl. Either way, no matter when he lost the money, Barkley lost $400,000 and forgot about it?

Right.

Excuse me if I don't believe Barkley. Maybe, in some rarified realm of wealth, there is an actual person walking around that could simply misplace $400,000 and not think twice about it. I seriously doubt that Barkley is one of those people. It seems to me that Barkley is spinning the web that a lot of itenerant gamblers spin--they bob and weave and duck and plead their bookie or their casino creditor and don't pay up until the bookie's henchman, or in this case, the District Attorney's office, show up to break some literal (or figurative) kneecaps. Had the Wynn not filed the civil complaint, and had the Clark County District Attorney's Office not gotten involved, Barkley wouldn't have paid. You all know one of those people who owe you money and just don't pay; usually, though, it's a matter of a few bucks and not hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I've got no problem whatsoever with gambling; if you've got the money, and it's something you like to do, more power to you. In fact, by his own estimate, Barkley's dropped at least $10M over the years. Maybe that toll is finally catching up to him.

Tonight's TV Battle

2008-05-15T16:00:00.003-04:00

Tonight we finally get to say goodbye to Toby on The Office season finale (NBC, 9), and it's about damn time. With all of his fawning over Pam, and his attempts to get Jim in trouble, well, dammit, he's a sonofabitch, fiction or not. Going up against the folks from Dunder-Mifflin are the folks at CSI, who try to figure out if Warrick killed a local gangster (season finale, CBS, 9).

In the world of sports, you've got...

NASCAR: All Star '08 Neverending Coverage, Speed, 7-until
NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs: Pittsburgh at Philadelphia, Game 4, Versus, 7:30
NASCAR: Sprint Pit Crew Challenge, Speed, 9
NBA Playoffs: New Orleans at San Antonio, Game 6, ESPN, 9
MLS Soccer: Salt Lake at Colorado, Deuce, 9:30

(all times eastern)

So It's So, Eh, Jimmy?

2008-05-15T15:17:00.011-04:00

I don't even know what to say. I guess I understand the allure of playing professional sports, about how it's hard to just stop playing one day when you've been playing a sport nonstop for 20+ years. I get that. That's why it wouldn't have bothered me if Jim Edmonds had played the next five years for 20 different teams either in the continental United States or in Japan, Mexico, whatever.

But the Cubs?

In case you haven't figured it out, I'm a Cardinals fan. As I pointed out on Tuesday, this isn't a somewhat high-profile athlete with a few good years ahead of him jumping ship from the Red Sox to the Yankees (Damon) or anything. This is a guy who's at the end of his run looking to collect a paycheck, and frankly, there just had to have been at least one other team interested in Edmonds' services besides the Cubs, right? I would've thought so.

I'm severely conflicted about this; on the one hand, I've got my Cardinal love for Jim Edmonds, and many fond memories of his exploits in center field. On the other, a general dislike for the Cubs to go along with the altruistic notion that you just ought not accept playing for your main team's biggest rival. I know that as a fan I see the sports world through a different prism than the average professional athlete, and I know that a lot of pro athletes just don't view the traditional rivalries as rivalries at all. But, we as fans do, and I guess it's a tough pill to swallow when one of your "own" goes over and plays for the other team.

That being said, I wish nothing but the best for Edmonds. Of course, I hope that he never collects a hit against the Cardinals and gets routinely burned in the outfield by bloops and line drives. I also hope that this somehow curses the Cubs for another 100 years, but they seem to be taking it almost as hard as Cards fans, so maybe that's bad enough.

The Love Child of Dennis Rodman and Shaquille O'Neal

2008-05-15T13:14:00.006-04:00

It's possible that their DNA was combined and Fantasia Barrino was the result, right?

plus

equals

Will Work For Food (or Boat, House)

2008-05-15T11:16:00.009-04:00

Proving once again that professional athletes don't make great Financial Advisors, Latrell Sprewell is in the news again:

A River Hills home belonging to former NBA star Latrell Sprewell was foreclosed on Monday after he failed to show up in court to Monday contest the action brought by a bank that held his mortgage.

The holder of the mortgage, RBS Citizens Bank, told Milwaukee County Circuit Court Judge David Hansher that Sprewell owes $320,284. According to River Hills records, the house is assessed at $610,000 and has an estimated fair market value of $667,980; he bought the house in 1994 for $405,000.

That's right: The man who once declared he was going to fight to "feed my family" didn't even show up to court to contest the foreclosure.

This is just the latest chapter in the stellar career of good ol' Spree. He should have learned by now that karma has a way of coming back to kick you in ass. You all remember his first shining moment, don't you? Since then, Sprewell's on and off court life has gone to shit, while P.J. Carlesimo gets to coach Rookie of the Year Kevin Durant with the Sonics. Rumor is he can also take deep breaths again without pain.

After Chokegate, Spree then decided to tempt the karmic money gods while playing in Minnesota:

''Why would I want to help them win a title? They're not doing anything for me. I'm at risk. I have a lot of risk here. I got my family to feed.'' Sprewell is due to make $14.6 million this year. Sprewell, 34, described the team's latest offer, reported to be worth between $27 million and $30 million over three years, as ''insulting.''

Bet it would nice to have some of that cash now, eh Spree?

Frankly, this has Celebrity Boxing or some other reality show written all over it. A few examples:

Spree Needs a House (based on Farmer Wants a Wife): Spree could go around auditioning houses for his approval.

Deal or No Deal: The Latrell Sprewell Experiment: I think he might actually win the $1M because he would always turn down the banker's deal, no matter what.

The Price is Right: He would probably be horrible at this game simply because he'd overbid for everything. $500 tea set? Latrell goes with $14,000! End of the show showcase valued at $37,000? ONE MILLION!

AOL Sports: Sprewell's Home Foreclosed

Money Still Talks

2008-05-15T10:27:00.000-04:00

After a prolonged nationwide courtship, Mike D'Antoni is your new coach of the New York Knicks.

While still under the employ of the Phoenix Suns, D'Antoni flirted with Chicago and Dallas before accepting the $24 million Donnie Walsh threw his way. This will undoubtedly pave the way for a faster, more up tempo brand of losing basketball for New York's "team." Think how many bad shots Starbury can get up while following Mike D's "seven seconds or less" philosophy! Truly a match made in heaven.

In a shocking revelation, it seems that a coach was dishonest during the job search process:

"I’m disappointed in (D’Antoni),” Reinsdorf told the Tribune. “I don’t know what else we could’ve done...If he had really wanted to be in Chicago, he would’ve waited. Instead, he misled us. It’s not the end of the world, but it is somewhat rude...He said that money wasn’t the most important thing anyway...He said he wanted a job where he was going to be happiest. He said he didn’t want to coach the Knicks.”

Being from the South, and as an SEC football fan, I am blown away that a coach could mislead, deceive, or in anyway be untruthful to his players, bosses, or fans. If that happened down here, that person would never be rewarded with a huge contract with a traditional power.

In fact, honesty, loyalty and character matter when it comes to molding and leading our young men in the SEC. I guess the rest of the sports world has finally taken note.

ESPN: Bulls Owner Speaks Out

Your All-Nothing NBA Team

2008-05-15T09:53:00.004-04:00

Since were in the middle of the NBA playoffs and all of the season-ending awards have been handed out, we would like to do a tribute to those that have already started their summer vacations. We want to honor the guys that keep the local law enforcement busy and their coaches on the brink of unemployment.

We've assembled a team of All-Star caliber (.38, .44, etc.) names that when put together have little to no chance of surviving the season. And we mean that literally: they may not live to see the All-Star break. If they do manage to avoid killing themselves (or too many others) and avoid the pokey, they are the type of team that would likely get beat nightly by any team with any semblance of what the Hubie Browns of the world call “team basketball.”

And now, ladies and gentlemen, put on your bulletproof vests and crash helmets for YOUR Las Vegas Dirtbags:

Point Guard (1)
Starter: Starting at point guard, you have to have Stephon ‘Can I interview the interns?’ Marbury. For his obvious ability to wreck a locker room, stagnate an offense and completely forget the concept of defense…he’s our starter. There’s no one else that’s even close. He “climbs the mountains,” you know.

Backups: For the backup position, our first choice was Steve Francis. However, due to the fact that he’s essentially gone MIA (and may have developed quite the drug habit), we'll go with Smush Parker instead. We’ll put Smush in charge of driving our team to the games because there’s no valet in any city that will try to charge him to park. We’ll need a driver because there isn’t a sane person alive that would get behind the wheel with this team in tow.

Also as a backup, this team wouldn’t be complete without Jamaal Tinsley. Who is going to carry the big bag of guns if we don’t have Jamaal?

Shooting Guard (2)
Starter: At our ‘shooting’ guard (as if those ballhogs at ‘point’ guard ever intended on passing--they may pass a blunt or a bottle of Hennessy but they damn sure aren’t passing the rock), the logical choice is Gilbert Arenas (a.k.a. Agent Zero) simply for the size of his ego and the number of times he and Marbury will get a 10-second call for wrestling over the ball in the back court.

Backups: This was a close call, but I had to make Vince Carter the backup SG. Frankly, though, it’s likely that Arenas and Carter will both be hurt so much that we won’t get too many games out of either one of them anyway. Carter will provide plenty of entertainment during pre-game warmups and blowout losses, but there’s no way he can stop his innate ability to run a team into the ground. This guy is such a cancer, he’s being studied at the CDC. (rimshot)

Our other backup guard is JJ Redick. Not because he’s a cancer or anything, but can you imagine the comedy of having him on this bus? And, he airballed a freakin’ layup this season. (Cadbury did that once too, but he was in 8th grade at the time.)

Small Forward (3)
Starter: Stephen Jackson. Do I have to elaborate? This guy probably has his own personal group of U.S. Marshals with him just in case someone looks at him funny. His former teammate and co-conspirator in most of their criminal cases is Ron Artest, so for disharmony’s sake we’d have to sign Artest as a backup, right? Wrong. Artest plays way too much defense so there’s no way he’ll make this team.

Backup: Carmelo Anthony. He’s a thug, ballhog and a cancer...plus, he’d probably fold like a cheap tent after being forced to play behind Jackson.

Power Forward (4)
Starter: Zach Randolph. He’s been in and out of jail since 1995. His record includes everything from shoplifting to sucker-punching teammates, from driving while drunk and high to being sued for sexual assault. If there’s ever been a cinch for team captain, it’s good old Z-Bo. Plus, he's a Knick!

Backup: This comes down to a battle between Joakim Noah and Kenyon Martin. Noah has some advantages because he’s an obvious misfit and can’t score. He even got suspended by his own teammates this season. Plus, when was the last time he hit a shot outside of three feet?

Kenyon is Kenyon. Again, not much explanation needed. He drives 101 in a 30mph zone, so he has the skills to help Smush make sure we are always on time. He is good for a couple good maniac screams a game too, so that should keep the groupies excited.

Center (5)
Starter: Yi Jianlian. He sucks, he’s overhyped, and it would be funny to have this guy on the team (plus JJ needs a roommate). Vince also needs a prop for his warmup routines.

Backup: None. They’d never make it.

Coach
Finally, we need a coach. There is no debate here. Has there ever been a more qualified applicant for this team than Isiah Thomas?

Yes, I would be ashamed too…

Kobe Employs New Strategy; Lakers Win

2008-05-15T09:21:00.009-04:00

The Los Angeles Lakers last night defeated the Utah Jazz 111-104 to take a 3-2 series lead in the Western Conference semifinals. That in and of itself isn't that newsworthy; most everyone expected L.A. to win. It was how they won that was unique: Kobe Bryant was a whopping 6-of-10 from the field and 13-of-17 on free throws (for 26 points). That's right: Kobe shot almost twice as many free throws as he had field goal attempts. Of course, Kobe was playing with a balky back and that certainly limited him offensively (and defensively, as the guy he was guarding, Ronnie Brewer, scored the Jazz's first eight points).

Even more shocking? The fact that Kobe didn't attempt a field goal at all in the fourth quarter. None. Nada. Zilch. Bumpkis. Instead, the Lakers' resident roster of David Copperfields magically appeared and contributed. Lamar Odom went for 22 points and 11 rebounds; Pau Gasol scored 21 points and had 6 rebounds and 8 assists; and Vladimir Radmanovich and Derek Fisher combined for 29 points. For those of you keeping score at home, that's all five starters in double figures, and when the Lakers have all five of their starters score in double figures, they rarely lose (17-1 in the regular season).

Oh, and Boston won too. Let's see...LeBron started off strong...then LeBron cooled off. Yep, that's how it went. Cleveland was up 14 at half and lost by 7 as James was a cool 4-of-11 in the second half.

Lassen: This time, Kobe didn't need to be spectacular
Lakers Keep Home Fires Burning

Tonight's TV Battle

2008-05-14T16:00:00.002-04:00

Ok, so if anyone watched American Idol last night they already know that Syesha Mercado will be going home tonight and it will be a battle of the good (David Cook), the bad (David Archuleta), and the ugly (David Archuleta's antichrist father) in the finale next week. So, for non-sports programming, you can choose from a couple of Mythbusters repeats or the unkillable creation that is Deal or No Deal.

In the world of sports, you've got...

MLB Baseball: Braves at Phillies, ESPN, 7
NBA Playoffs: Cleveland at Boston, Game 5, TNT, 8
NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs: Detroit at Dallas, Game 4, Versus, 8
NASCAR: All Star '08, Speed, 9
NBA Playoffs: Jazz at Lakers, Game 5, TNT, 10:30

(all times eastern)